


All In My Head

by GabbysLost113



Category: The 100, clexa - Fandom
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2018-07-13 21:57:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 78,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7139096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GabbysLost113/pseuds/GabbysLost113
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What do you do when you fall in love with your roommates girlfriend? Is there a possibility that maybe she could love you back? Or is it all in your head?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this was my idea guys... I hope you enjoy it <3

**Clarkes POV**

 

There was a knock on the door. Clarke couldn’t help but sigh as she put her paint brush down for the fourth time in what felt like ten minutes. She stood and walk to her room door, she took a deep breathe in before opening the door, putting on a perfect fake smile.

“What’s up Luna?”

“Hey sorry, where are the scissors?”

Clarke walked around her and into the kitchen to the same drawer she had just shown her earlier which held knives and scissors. She grabbed the scissors and turned passing them to Luna who looked slightly embarrassed.

“I should have looked there, sorry again.” Clarke just nodded and went to walk back to her room when Luna stopped her.

“Hey want to keep me company while I unpack?” Clarke couldn’t help but glance quickly towards her room where her painting was waiting for her. Her hand itched paint, she clenched and unclenched it, looking at Luna who was watching her.

She nodded her head slightly, if she wanted this living arrangement to work she would have to try, and she needed it to work.

Luna smiled brightly, she did her best to return it but wasn’t sure if she succeeded or not. She followed her into her room where Luna pointed for her to sit on the bed, which was more than half covered in things. Clarke pushed some of the things to the side to make room for herself.

She watched silently as Luna returned to unpacking, they didn’t talk which made her wonder why she wasn’t getting work done. She needed to finish enough pieces for her gallery opening in a few weeks. Right when she was contemplating her get away Luna interrupted her thoughts.

“So I never asked, what happened to your last roommate? I mean there’s no dead body hidden anywhere right?”

Clarke couldn’t help but grimace at the question, she had been hoping to avoid this. Luna looked at her expectantly though and it was a genuine question. She let out a sigh deciding to tell her the truth.

“I have lived here for about a year, my college boyfriend and I got it together our senior year. He recently decided that he wasn’t a one woman kind of guy so he had to move out.”

She watched as Lunas eyes widened, but what she hated was the look of sadness on her face. The look that said poor Clarke couldn’t keep her man.

She shook her head, she knew that wasn’t how most  people saw it, but she couldn’t help but let that be the first thought in her mind when she told someone.

“Well good riddance to the asshole!”

Clarke couldn’t help but let out her first genuine smile towards Luna. “Thanks.”

“No seriously, you are hot! If I didn’t have a girlfriend I’d totally be hitting on you right now.” Lunas eyes widened at her own words and her cheeks flushed. “I mean umm, can you take that in a non-creepy way?”

Clarke let out a laugh watching as Luna began rubbing her face with her hands in embarrassment. “Don’t worry, I take it as a compliment.”

Luna just nodded her head and tried to focus back in on packing, Clarke watched her for a moment, she was pretty, with big auburn hair, dominant eyebrows and pretty brown eyes.

“So what brings you to the big apple Luna?”

Clarke noticed the smile the question brought to her face.

“My girlfriend got into Columbia for grad school, I didn’t want to say goodbye to her you know? Long distance just doesn’t work. So when I started asking around about apartments and Octavia told  me she knew someone who needed a roommate I knew it was meant to be.”

Clarke nodded understanding, she didn’t like the idea of long distance relationships either.

“How long have you guys been together?”

Luna looked at her and began blushing again which made Clarke raise an eyebrow in question.

“You are going to think I’m crazy.”

Clarke shrugged, “Maybe but who I am to judge you?”

Luna smiled before she began explaining. “We didn’t meet until our last semester senior year, I had seen her around before, I mean how couldn’t I? She’s literally the prettiest girl ever, and that’s my unbiased opinion trust me.”

Clarke let out a laugh, “Yeah you sound completely unbiased.”

Luna just shrugged, you won’t understand until you meet her,” She picked her phone up looked at the screen and sighed putting it back down.

Clarke watched her, she couldn’t remember what it felt like to be excited by a text or phone call from someone, or disappointed when she got neither.

“Seems like she’s always busy though. I mean, if your significant other moved to a new city to be with you wouldn’t you at least text them back in a timely manner?”

Clarke put her hands up in surrender, “I don’t think I should be the person you ask for relationship advice from.”

Luna just smiled and shook her head.

“Why didn’t you just move in with her?”

“She likes to take things slow, I don’t want to push her too far you know?”

“Right you haven’t told me how long you guys have been together.”

Luna gave a small laugh, “Sorry got distracted, we have been together almost five months.”

Clarke put every ounce of strength she had into not making any kind of face, while her mind was thinking that was completely insane, she didn’t care how pretty this girl was according to Luna, you don’t change your entire life for one person especially in that short amount of time. It was completely insane.

She didn’t do anything but nod her head in acknowledgment.

Luna laughed, “I can see how crazy you think I am Clarke, it’s okay, I’m in love and love makes you do crazy things.”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Have you never been in love?”

Clarke shrugged her shoulders and looked up at the ceiling. “I thought I was in love with Finn but it couldn’t have been. At least I hope not because if that’s really what love is then life sucks more than I thought. I mean love, real love it should be amazing it should feel amazing, it should be everything shouldn’t it? Finn wasn’t everything.”

She looked down to see Luna watching her, “Then it wasn’t true love.”

“Do you think your girlfriend is your true love?”

Luna gave a small sad smile, “I think she is my true love, but she has to figure out if I’m hers or if she has already had hers.”

Clarke was curious about what that meant, it made Lunas girlfriend sound complicated, and complicated when it came to a relationship did not seem like a good thing. Before she could ask though Luna changed the topic of conversation.

“So, you and Octavia met in college?”

“Yeah, there were too many freshman so her, our friend Raven and I got forced into a triple. We have been inseparable since. You knew each other in high school?”

Luna nodded as she began folding clothes, “Yeah, we were never really close but she was pretty cool, maybe we can get close now.” She shrugged her shoulder, “I could use more friends here, you know? Make the transition easier.”

Clarke nodded, she was originally from the city but the idea of going somewhere new and basically alone scared the crap out of her.

“I always thought her brother was hot but don’t tell her that.”

She laughed and just shook her head.

She looked around the room before standing, “I have to get back to work Luna, it was nice talking to you.”

Luna gave her a small smile, “Thanks for keeping me company for a bit.” Clarke nodded before walking out of the room and closing the door behind herself.

When she got to her room she laid back on her bed, glancing over at the blank canvas she had been staring at before Luna interrupted her. She hadn’t been able to make anything good in a while. She needed some kind of inspiration and soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long, I have been busy!

She glanced down at her phone as it buzzed again reminding her to check her text messages, she ignored it again and went back to reading the assignment on her computer.

“Your phone is driving me crazy.” She looked up and stuck her tongue out, but grabbed her phone anyway.

Luna: Are you busy tonight?  
Luna: I really want to see you.

She looked from her computer back down to the phone with a frown on her face, she couldn’t see her tonight she had too much work to do.

“Is it Luna?” She simply nodded in response.

“You haven’t seen her yet.”

“No.”

She didn’t look up she knew the face he would have.

“Lexa, your girlfriend moves to the city to be with you and you couldn’t even see her the day she moved in?”

“Lincoln, we have an exam in the morning, shut up.”

When she looked at him he was just shaking his head at her, “You could have spared an hour.”

“I haven’t spared fifteen minutes to eat and neither have you. I will see her tomorrow. I just need to focus right now.”

She picked up her phone trying to think of the best way to let her down, Luna was sensitive sometimes.

Lexa: I can’t tonight L I miss you. 2mm for sure.

Luna: You are lucky I like you so much

Lexa: I am

She put her phone in her pocket and stared at her computer without actually reading anything.

“I can’t, I need something to eat Lex.”

“Then eat something.” She didn’t look up.

“We have nothing to eat.”

“That’s because you ate everything.”

She was waiting for Lincoln to respond when she got knocked in the head with a throw pillow.

“Lincoln! For Christ sake I should have moved in with Luna!”

He was standing bent over clutching his stomach in laughter, she just huffed and placed the pillow behind her back, he was so annoying sometimes. Yet she couldn’t stop the small smile that came to her face from the sound of his laughter.

When he finally calmed down he watched her a moment, she could feel his eyes on her but did her best to avoid looking at him. She felt the couch shift next to her but still refused to look.

“Lexa.” She ignored him.

“Lexa, we both know why you couldn’t live with Luna.”

Her head snapped up and her eyes went wide with surprise before she felt her anger rise.

“Don’t.”

“You have to tell her.”

“It will pass, I just need time, it’s nothing.”

“Lexa when she came to visit a couple of weeks ago, I had to wake you up from the couch so you could sneak into the bed before she woke up.”

She closed her computer and stood up but he gently grabbed her elbow to stop her from moving.

“Come on don’t be like this.”

She closed her eyes trying to calm herself down.

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Fine, come on, lets just order something in.”

“Order whatever, I need a minute, let me know when the food gets here.”

He nodded his head, and let go of her arm, she walked into her room closing the door behind her. She looked around quickly before laying herself down on the bed.

She didn’t want to think about this, she didn’t want to acknowledge how she couldn’t give Luna what she deserved, but she would do her best to try because Luna was a good person who cared for her so much.

She took her phone out of her pocket trying to decide what to do.

She sighed and clicked the face time button, it only rang a few times before there was an answer, there was moment of shifting around before she saw Lunas face.

“Hey babe, I thought you were studying?”

“I am, I just needed a quick break so decided to call you.”

Luna smiled brightly at that and she gave her a small smile in return. It was hard for her to be really happy, but Luna made it a little easier. Luna made her want to try, but it shouldn’t be that hard to be happy.

“How is the unpacking going?” Luna just sighed loudly in response, flipping the camera so Lexa was now looking at her room. Her bed was covered and so was almost all of the floor.

“So it isn’t going?”

Luna flipped the camera back to her face where she now had a pout, she looked cute.

“I’m trying it’s just a lot, maybe it’s a good thing you aren’t here, you would only distract me.”

Lexa laughed lightly, “I would not distract you!”

“Lex have you seen yourself? You are very distracting.” She couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “Seriously!”

“Okay Luna, how is the roommate?”

Luna lowered her voice when she started talking, “She seems nice, and she hasn’t yelled at me even though I’ve bothered her multiple times already, her name is Clarke.”

Lexa lowered her voice when she responded, “Why are we whispering?”

Luna let out a loud laugh making Lexa laugh with her. Sometimes Luna was enough, in these small moments she was what Lexa needed, it’s why she decided to really give her chance five months ago. If she could never truly be happy the way she once was she would take these small moments as they came as few and far between as they were.

“Oh I got a real laugh!”

Lexa just smiled and nodded in response.

“I love your real laugh.”

She didn’t know what to say to that so she said nothing as she watched Luna walk around her room moving things around and folding clothes.

She looked up when there was a knock on the door, “Yes?”

Lincoln opened the door and glanced in, “Dinner is here.” She nodded.

“Hey Lincoln!”

Lincolns eyes widened and he threw himself next to Lexa on her bed.

“Hey Luna! How’s it going?”

“Egh its going.”

“She’s lying she has barely gotten anything done.” Luna glared at her through the screen.

“She’s a liar!” Lincoln took the phone and moved away from her.

She heard a knock on a door through the phone, but Lincoln kept her phone out of her view and reach.

“Come in Clarke!”

“Hey, so tomorrow Octavia, Raven and I are going to a club, do you want to come?”

“Sounds fun, do you guys want to come too?”

“I’m in, Lexa?” She just nodded. “Lexas in.”

“Yay! It will be fun, Lincoln , Lex say hi to Clarke.”

Clarke must have looked at the screen because next thing she heard was, “Damn your cute, Lincoln is it?”

Lincoln laughed and gave Clarke his flirty grin. Ew.

“Yeah, see you guys tomorrow, we have to go now. Bye babe!” With that Lexa walked out of the room leaving it to Lincoln to hang up and follow her out.

She saw there was Chinese food on the kitchen table and began serving herself, she had sat down and was beginning to eat when Lincoln made it out of the room.

“Finished flirting with her roommate?”

“I wasn’t flirting, she’s hot though, but she’s blonde so not my type. I think you would like her.” Lexa just rolled her eyes and didn’t make a comment.

“Luna was sad she didn’t get to say goodbye to you by the way.”

“I yelled goodbye when I left,” She shrugged her shoulders.

“You know she didn’t see you and you didn’t see her, she wanted you to actually say hi to Clarke.”

She couldn’t help but roll her eyes again, “I will meet her in person tomorrow it’s no big deal.”

Lincoln just shook his head at her but she ignored him, it was no big deal, they would all see each other the next day. She would be the dutiful girlfriend and get to know Lunas roommate and her friends, hopefully it wouldn’t be too bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo this was your introduction to my one true love Lexa. The chapters will get longer the more into the story we get.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke meet.

She lay with her arms wrapped around her waist, nose pressed between shoulder blades, her familiar smell bringing her comfort, she really didn’t want to get up.

Luna played with her fingers that were laying on her stomach.

“I have to get up Lex.”

She tightened her hold around her making Luna giggle and she let out a grunt that was supposed to be a no.

“I love it when you’re cuddly babe but I have to meet up with Clarke back home.”

Lexa lifted her head, “I do not cuddle.”

“So what do you call this?” She shrugged her shoulders and buried her face back in between Lunas shoulders.

They stood that way for another five minutes before Luna wiggled herself away. Lexa watched as Luna grabbed her clothes from around the room. She sat up pulling the sheet around herself to cover her body.

“Are you sure we have to go?” Luna turned and looked at her with a small frown on her face making her feel guilty

“I want you to meet Clarke and Octavia, I really want this to work with them, I need to make some friends besides you and Lincoln. Please don’t bail on me.”

Lexa nodded her head, she would go for her, she wanted her to like it here. Luna gave a small smile and leaned on the bed pressing a quick kiss to her lips.

“See you at eight. Two hours Lexa don’t be late.”

She must have fallen asleep because next thing she knew Lincoln was banging on her door. “Lexa we have to be there in forty minutes! You better not be sleeping!” She sat up quickly, shit she was a fucking failure. She jumped up grabbing a towel to wrap around herself and ran to the shower.

“Luna is going to kill you if you are late.”

“Shut up I know!”

She showered as fast as possible, was in and out in three minutes, she ran back in her room wrapped in a towel dripping. Lincoln was still sitting on the couch.

“Thirty five minutes! It takes twenty to get there.”

She grumbled as she looked through her closet grabbing black skinny jeans with tairs in them and a white shirt. She grabbed the blower and dried her hair as fast as she could, it would have to stay down.

“Three minutes Lexa.” She grabbed her eyeliner and mascara working as quickly as possible. She put on her combat boots and leather jacket, grabbing her lip gloss and running into the living room where Lincoln was smiling at her.

“Well hurry up get up.”

He just sat there smiling at her, she glared at him and turned to look at the time on the cable box. It was only seven twenty five. She was now fifteen minutes early.

“You are an asshole, we would have made it on time.”

Lincoln just shrugged and patted next to him for her to sit down.

She shook her head and grabbed his arm, “Nope we are getting there early now.”

**Clarkes POV**

Raven: O and I will be there in like ten.

She put her phone in her pocket right as they stepped in.

“The girls are running a little late.”

Luna nodded, “I really have to use the bathroom, meet you at the bar?”

“Sounds good.” Luna rushed towards the bathroom as she made her way over to the bar. She found a space to stand and was waiting to flag the bartender down when her eyes caught a woman sitting on the opposite side end of the bar.

She had long hair, and perfect lips, with a cute nose. Clarke wished the lights were on and not just the strobe ones so she could really see what she looked like, but she already knew she was beautiful. So beautiful that Clarke wanted to talk to her.

She never was the kind of person to hit on someone let alone a girl who was probably straight. She watched as the girl continually looked around as if she was searching for something.

She couldn’t just sit there she had to go talk to her, or she would definitely regret it. This was the first time since Finn that she felt any sort of connection with anyone, she couldn’t let that pass.

She walked until she was standing right behind the girl. Her nerves were killing her, she could do this though she knew she could. She took a deep breath and tapped the girl on her shoulder.

When the brunette turned around she had a small smile until she saw that it was Clarke who had tapped her. Clarkes face fell when she saw the disappointment in the other girls face.

But then she smiled at her and Clarkes heart began beating a million times a minute, that smile was for her, she was so nervous she was sure she was shaking and just hoped that the girl in front of her couldn’t tell.

She couldn’t stop staring at that smile, she only realized she hadn’t said anything when the girl stopped smiling at her and tilted her head to the side with a confused look on her face.

“Are you okay?”

Clarkes eyes widened, she was an idiot.

“Crap, yeah sorry, you’re just really beautiful, kind of distracted me.”

She saw what looked like the girl blush, but it was too dark to tell the only give away was that she looked down and a tiny smile appeared but just as quickly disappeared from her lips.

“Thanks.”

Clarke nodded and sat down next to her, the girl looked at her again before turning herself to face the bar once again, she looked like she was concentrating on running her fingers through her hair. She huffed in frustration when they got snagged on a knot.

“Everything okay?”

She nodded and didn’t seem like she was going to say anything else but then she shrugged and turned to face her making Clarke smile widely.

“My roommate is an asshole who lied about the time to get me ready early, I didn’t exactly do everything I needed to like comb out my hair, it’s a mess.”

Clarke shook her head and couldn’t help but reach forward and twist a piece of hair around her fingers. When she saw the girl was completely taken by surprise by what she did she released it and moved out of her personal space.

“It looks good to me.”

“Are you hitting on me?”

Clarke felt herself blush but she wasn’t going to back down now, she had already made a fool of herself. She leaned forward putting a hand on the girls knee.

“Lets say I was hitting on you, how would you react?”

She looked down at Clarkes hand and picked it up with her own, She held onto it for a moment before putting it on Clarkes own leg making her frown.

“I’d tell you that I am really flattered, but I am here to meet up with my girlfriend and her friends.”

“Oh my god I’m so.”

“Clarke! You found Lexa!”

Clarke turned her chair to see Luna with a wide smile on her face as she walked towards them. This couldn’t be happening. This was Lexa? Lexa, as in Lunas girlfriend Lexa? She turned to see Lexa staring back at her with wide eyes.

Before Lexa could say anything Luna was standing in front of her bending down to press a kiss to her lips, Clarke looked away quickly.

“How did you know this was Lex?”

Clarke looked back to them, Luna was standing between Lexas legs and Lexa had a hand on her waist. She dragged her eyes to Lunas face, she seemed so excited.

“Lucky guess?”

“Well I hope Lexa here was nice, she tends to be grumpy.”

“I do not.”

Clarke looked at Lexa who had a small pout on her lips thanks to Lunas words, she couldn’t not look at her lips that was until Luna ran her finger over Lexas bottom lip so she would stop pouting. Clarke looked away quickly noticing the guy Luna was on facetime with the other day heading towards them.

“That’s Lincoln right?”

Lexa and Luna looked to where she was pointing.

“Yeah, that’s the ass of a roommate I was telling you about.”

Clarke nodded taking in his appearance, “Still think he’s hot Clarke?”

She looked at Luna who had a teasing face on, and she glanced at Lexa who had a small frown, or was she imagining it?

“Definitely, but not my type.” The moment she said that she swore Lexas frown disappeared which brought a smile to her own face.

“Hello ladies!” Lincoln grabbed her into a hug before she had the chance to figure out what was happening. He then went to hug Luna and received a middle finger from Lexa.

“Aww still mad at me Lex?” She just glared at him harder which made Clarke laugh. Lexa smiled at her lightly.

“Luna!”

They all turned to see Octavia and Raven making their way towards them, Luna began walking towards them and the moment Lincoln spotted Octavia he was right behind her. Clarke stood to walk after them but Lexa grabbed her by the arm making her turn to her.

“I won’t tell anyone if you won’t.”

She took the beautiful girl before her in, she needed to remind herself that this was Lunas girlfriend and checking her out constantly was definitely not allowed.

She stuck her pinky out towards Lexa who seemed amused by the action but she took it after a moment and they brought their hands to their mouths pressing their lips to their own thumbs. Clarke pulled back and Lexa let go of her hand after another second.

“Deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for giving this a chance you beautiful BEAUTIFUL people.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :Life has not allowed me to write. I apologize greatly <3

She knew they had gotten there early but she found a seat at the bar and looked around to see if she spotted Luna.

When she felt a tap on her shoulder she was sure it was Luna, she turned around ready to tease her about how early she had been when she saw it wasn’t her and she frowned.

When she saw the girls sad face at her reaction she did her best to give her a smile, to tell her it was okay. It got awkward when the girl just kept watching her, she took the moment to really take in the girl before her.

It was a little too dark to really see details but she saw the blonde hair, it looked a little different at the ends like a different color but she couldn’t really tell. She was small but curvy.

When she focused back in the girl was still just staring at her.

“Are you okay?”

She saw the girls eyes widen comically big and had to hold in her laugh. She didn’t genuinely laugh very often so it took her by surprise.

“Crap, yeah sorry, you’re just really beautiful, kind of distracted me.”

She felt her cheeks blush and looked down quickly with a small smile. What was wrong with her? She doesn’t blush and being complimented on her looks usually annoys her.

“Thanks.”

She watched as the blonde took the seat next to her and turned back to facing the bar. She touched her hair and felt how it was becoming knotted, she began running her fingers through it but they kept getting caught. Damn Lincoln. She must of made a noise because the blonde was talking to her again.

“Everything okay?”

She nodded her head but then thought what the hell and decided to start playing nice a little early. She turned to face her and saw her smile brightly.

“My roommate is an asshole who lied about the time to get me ready early, I didn’t exactly do everything I needed to like comb out my hair, it’s a mess.”

Before she realized what was happening the blonde had moved in closer and was twisting a piece of her hair around her finger. Before she could say anything she moved back again.

“It looks good to me.”

“Are you hitting on me?”

She watched as the girl moved forward and put a hand on her leg, she must have felt very confident.

“Lets say I was hitting on you, how would you react?”

She picked her hand off of her knee and held it in her hand a moment glancing at her, she was very pretty. She placed the girls hand on her own leg. She saw the frown on the blondes face and it made her feel guilty for a moment.

“I’d tell you that I am really flattered, but I am here to meet up with my girlfriend and her friends.”

“Oh my god I’m so.”

“Clarke! You found Lexa!”

Her head snapped away from the girls gaze when she heard her name. Luna was walking towards them. Clarke? This girl was Clarke, Lunas roommate. She brought her gaze back to Clarke who turned and just stared back at her. Next thing she knew Luna was in front of her pressing a kiss to her lips. When she pulled away Lexa noted that Clarke had turned away from them.

Luna turned and placed herself between her legs, Lexas hand went to her waist automatically.

“How did you know this was Lex?”

Clarke turned back to face them and Lexa saw her look at where her hand was placed, which for some reason made her want to move it but she refrained.

“Lucky guess?”

“Well I hope Lexa here was nice, she tends to be grumpy.”

She mad a face, why was Luna telling Clarke she was grumpy, she was here to be nice.

“I do not.”

Luna ran her finger over her lip, her instinct was to try and bite her finger but Clarkes presence made her think twice and refrain.

Once she released Clarkes hand after making the deal, she began walking towards the rest of the group, she felt the Clarkes presence behind her.

They found a booth and sat down, she ended up sitting between Luna and Raven, directly across from Clarke.

They all had their drinks, Luna was drinking too fast and starting to get a little drunk. Drunk Luna was a handsy Luna.

Luna leaned in to her ear to whisper, “You look great Lex, want to get out of here soon?”

She turned to look at her,” We haven’t been here long Lun, you wanted to make new friends so do that.”

Luna pouted at her and she rolled her eyes in response turning her attention to her drink, she moved her straw around absentmindedly. She felt Luna move her hair to her other shoulder but ignored it. She felt eyes on her a looked up to see Clarke was watching her.

She thought she would look away when she saw she was caught but she didn’t they just watched each other but then Lexa felt Lunas lips on her neck and she closed her eyes at the feeling it sent through her body. When she opened her eyes again Clarke was no longer watching her.

“Hey Lexa!” She looked next to Luna to see it was Octavia who was calling her.

“Yeah?”

“Do you realize how much Luna is into you?” The slurring in her voice showed that was pretty drunk herself.

Lexa just nodded and glanced at Luna who seemed embarrassed.

“She is seriously in love with you, you guys are cute. I totally approve.”

She shrugged her shoulders, “Thanks I guess.”

Luna grabbed her face and pressed a kiss to her lips. “I love you.”

Lexa looked away, “Me too.”

“Spend the night at my place?”

“I don’t know Luna, would Clarke be okay with it?”

“Lexa it’s my place too.”

“I don’t know.”

“Clarke!”

Lexas head snapped up and she saw Clarkes do the same. ‘Luna don’t.”

Luna rolled her eyes, “Do you mind if Lexa spends the night. She won’t unless you say it’s okay.”

Clarke glanced between the two before her eyes held hers firmly, “If she wants sure.”

“See I told you.” Lexa just nodded and went back to playing with her drink, she looked over and saw Lincoln was watching her with sad eyes. She shook her head at him, looked in front of her and saw that Clarke was watching them.

As they all said their goodbyes Lexa watched as Octavia took Lincolns phone and put her number in, she smiled at how happy he seemed by the action. Luna tugged on her hand and she waved goodbye with her other one to the rest of the group.

Clarke walked on Lunas other side not saying a word, she wondered if it was just her who felt awkward. The walk to their house was short, and when they got inside Clarke went straight to her room closing the door behind herself.

“So this my place.” Lexa looked around, it was bright lots of colors. There were even paintings on the walls. She walked over to one, it was of her favorite part of central park.

“Clarke made those.”

“Really?”

She turned to face Luna who was watching her.

“Yeah, I told you shes an artist.”

“I know, but well a lot of people are artists. But this is actual art. Know what I mean?”

Luna stepped behind her, wrapping her arms around Lexas waist. Lexa leaned back so that her head was right next to hers but she couldn’t take her eyes off the painting, something about it was drawing her in.

Luna began pressing kisses to her neck, she felt the effects it was having on her. She turned so they were facing each other and pressed their lips together. The kiss got deep fast, Luna pulled away “We should take this to my room.

Lexa just nodded and let Luna take her hand to lead her to the bedroom, but she couldn’t help but glance over shoulder one more time to look at the painting.

**Clarkes POV**

She couldn’t sleep she tossed and turned but she couldn’t get comfortable. She sighed in frustration and threw the covers off of herself. She got up and took her blanket with her to couch in the living room.

She began searching through the channels and had just decided on Friends when Lunas door opened and Lexa stepped out.

She had her back towards her as she was trying to close the door quietly. Clarke couldn’t help but take her in, She was wearing shorts and a loose tishirt. Her long legs were on full display and she couldn’t atop her eyes from staring at them even though she knew it was wrong.

When Lexa turned around she jumped and gave a small yelp.

“Jesus Clarke, I thought you were sleeping.”

Clarke shrugged trying not to smile at Lexa being scared. “I couldn’t sleep.”

Lexa nodded awkwardly standing in front of the door, she looked over her shoulder at it, “Me either, but sorry for interrupting.”

Lexa turned back around placing her hand on the door knob to go back in.

“Lexa you can stay out here.”

Lexa froze her movements and looked at her over her shoulder, “Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude.”

Clarke couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “I’m sure.”

Lexa nodded but didn’t make her way to the couch but instead walked over to the wall and stared at one of her paintings.

“This is my favorite part of central park.”

Clarke stood up and dropped the blanket on the couch making her way to stand next to Lexa. “It’s mine too, I like to do my paintings there.”

Lexa turned to look at her then, it made her heart beat faster, this was the first time Clarke got to really see her eyes, they were green and beautiful. She shouldn’t have expected anything less.

They stared at each other until Lexa spoke.

“Beautiful.” The word caught her off guard.

“What?”

Lexas gestured to the painting. “It’s beautiful, you are very talented.

Clarke let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding.

“Thank you…. Do you like friends?”

 She gestured to the television.

Lexa turned and sat on the opposite side of the couch the she had been occupying. She looked up expectantly, so Clarke sat in her previous position.

“How much would you judge me if I told you I had never seen it?

Clarkes eyes widened in surprise, who in this world had never seen Friends? This had to be some kind of joke. Lexa gave her a shy smile, god she was beautiful.

“Are you serious?”

She just nodded. Clarke shot up and grabbed the other remote from the table and turned on Netflix.

“What are you doing?”

She looked at Lexa who seemed confused.

“They recently put all of it on Netflix, if we are doing this we are going to do it right.”

Lexa rolled her eyes but nodded and lifted her feet so they were laying on the couch next to hers which were back under the blanket.

They finished the first episode. “Joey is an idiot and Rachel is stupid.”

“Hey don’t judge them just yet!” Lexa looked at her with that same small smiled and shrugged as she began rubbing her legs up and down. Clarke followed the movement of her hands.

“Are you cold?”

“I’m fine.”

Clarke lifted the blanket up and gestured for Lexa to put her legs under but she just stared at her.

“Don’t be stubborn Lexa.”

Lexa watched her another moment before putting her legs in. The moment Clarke lowered the blanket she sighed in content making Clarke giggle.

“Shush.” Lexa snuggled down getting more comfortable, they weren’t touching but Clarke could feel the heat from her body.

“If you want to go to sleep let me know.”

Lexa looked at Lunas bedroom door and then back to Clarke, “Trust me I won’t be sleeping.”

Clarke just nodded and pressed play for the next episode. Lexa made small comments now and then making her laugh. By the fourth episode Clarke realized that Lexas comments had stopped and the brunette was fully asleep.

She wondered if she should wake her up and send her to bed but then she realized that would mean sending her to Luna and that didn’t sit well with her. She turned off the television and felt her own sleep coming, she fell asleep to the sound Lexas soft breaths,

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took so long to write! I had a whole other chapter written but I hated it and refused to post it so I started over. I hope you enjoy this one. <3

**Clarkes POV**

She turned over in her sleep, her legs seeking the heat that was already entangled with hers. But something was waking her and she couldn’t fight it.

“No, please don’t go!”

She sat up quickly the screams waking her, at the end of the couch Lexa began tossing and turning.  She untangled their legs and crawled over to her. She was visibly sweating and was moving so much that she nearly tossed herself and Clarke off of the couch.

“Lexa, it’s just a dream. Lexa?”

She reached over Lexas head to turn on the lamp that was next to the couch on a side table.

She tried to wake her lightly by running her hands up and down her arms, it wasn’t working. She put her hand on her neck and ran her thumb over Lexas cheeks which were wet from tears that had escaped.

“Please don’t leave me.”

Clarke felt her heart clench at those words, what was happening to her?

“Shh Lexa, please wake up.”

She felt more tears running down Lexas face and had enough of it. She grabbed Lexa by both of her shoulders and began shaking her hard.

“Wake up.”

When green eyes snapped open, she shifted so she was laying on her side next Lexa, instead of half on top of her. Lexa sat up quickly clutching the blanket to her chest, the tears didn’t stop. She didn’t know what to do, what do you do for someone you don’t know when every instinct inside of you is telling you to protect them in any way you can. She looked away from Lexa quickly glancing at Lunas door, what do you do when it isn’t your place to feel that way?

Should she get Luna? Is that what Lexa would want? Clarke moved so she was sitting up too.

“Do you want me to get Luna?”

Lexa turned to face her eyes widening as if she forgot she was there. She shook her head quickly.

“Don’t.”

She nodded her head and began getting up, when she turned to walk away from the couch Lexa grabbed her arm before she could take a step.

“Don’t leave me.”

She turned and looked at the woman holding onto her, hearing the words she had cried out in her dream being used towards her this time. She took Lexas hand off of her arm and squeezed it lightly before letting go. “I’m just going to get you water.”

Clarke waited for her to nod before she went to the kitchen. She grabbed a glass and filled it trying to sort through her own thoughts. How had she gotten here? She splashed some water on her face before turning back towards the living room.

Lexa was sitting up with her feet on the ground staring at the blank television. The closer Clarke got she could see the goosebumps on Lexas arms. She put the water down and grabbed the blanket wrapping it around her. She sat on the coffee table and handed her the glass receiving a small smile that didn’t reach her eyes.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” Clarke looked around the room, she didn’t know what to do.

“I can’t believe I fell asleep.”

She looked at Lexa who was looking at the glass in her hands.

“You were tired, I knew you were going to fall asleep.”

She shook her head, “You don’t get it. Are you tired? I’m sorry I woke you.”

Clarke shook her head, “Hey it’s okay, I’m fine, barely even tired.”

Lexa watched her for a moment, “You are a terrible liar Clarke.”

She just smiled and shook her head. She got up and sat next to her, pulling on the blanket until it was wrapped around both of them, their shoulders brushing.

“Nope just cold.”

Lexa reached forward and grabbed the remote, “I don’t think I’m going to fall asleep again, do you want to keep watching?”

**Lexas POV**

“That would be a terrible first date.”

She looked to Clarke whose eyes were barely open. “You think you could do better?”

“I could definitely do better than doing laundry as a first date.”

Clarke had moved back to her earlier position laying down on side of the couch, Lexa stopped watching the television and watched her a moment.

Every time she closed her eyes they stood closed a little longer, and Lexa couldn’t look away. When Clarkes eyes stood closed Lexas attention went back to the show. When she saw that it was almost nine she stood up and tucked the blanket around the blonde.

She went to turn away but turned back and took her in once more, she looked so peaceful sleeping, almost childlike. Clarke didn’t and would probably never know what it meant to her that she stood with her after her dream or the fact that she was even able to fall asleep with her in the first place.

It gave her hope, maybe things were finally getting better, and maybe she could be better. Clarke had a piece of hair in her face, Lexa crouched down next to her and grabbed it by the pink end twisted it around her finger like Clarke had done to hers the night before. Remembering the moment brought a smile to her face, seemed like Clarke got her to go home with her in the end.

She moved the hair away from the sleeping girls face and stood up. She began walking to Lunas door, maybe being better could start right now. Before she opened the door she glanced over her shoulder to look at Clarke one more time.

“Thank you.”

She opened the door and stepped in and smiled at the sight of Lunas sleeping form, the light from the window landing perfectly on her face. She sat on her knees on the bed leaned a forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead. Luna opened one eye quickly but closed it again from the sun, making her smile slightly.

“Lexa more sleep.” Luna moved so her head was in her lap and her arms were wrapped around her waist, Lexa began running her hands through Lunas hair. After a while she tapped Lunas shoulder to get her to move and laid down next to her. She laid an arm on Lunas hip and moved Lunas hair over her shoulder so she could place her nose on the back of her neck.

“Going back to sleep Lex?”

“Going to try.” Luna nodded her head snuggled more into her, Lexa closed her eyes and pressed a kiss to her neck before closing her eyes.

She was exhausted she knew she was, she looked over and saw that it was now ten thirty, she tried, she really did but sleep wouldn’t come, maybe if she would have stayed with Clarke she would have been able to fall back asleep. She shook her head at the thought.

She wanted to get up and go make breakfast or something but she knew if she did then she would just wake Clarke up and since she was part of the reason Clarke barely slept it felt wrong.

She shifted so she was laying on her back with her hands on her stomach closing her eyes when she heard a loud thump from the living room. She sat up quickly and got off the bed. She opened the door to see Clarkes head pop up from under the coffee table.

She covered her mouth so she wouldn’t laugh and closed the door behind herself before walking to the couch, Clarke just glared at her the whole time.

“What?”

“You left without telling me.” Lexa hoped her face showed her confusion at Clarkes apparent anger.

“You were sleeping, I didn’t want to wake you up, what does that have to do with you being on the floor?”

“I fell off the damn couch because I thought you were still here and didn’t want to kick you. I would have rather been in my bed than the couch if you weren’t with me.”

Lexa felt her own anger rising, she didn’t do anything wrong for Clarke to act like that with her.

“Next time you decide to climb back into bed with Luna let know.”

Her eyes widened, was she being serious right now? “Seriously Clarke go to bed then and maybe wake up a little less bitchy next time.”

Clarkes eyes widened in surprise but then she just stood up threw the blanket on the couch and went to her room slamming the door shut.

Lexa threw herself onto to couch in frustration, what was wrong with that girl, she was so much nicer the night before and earlier that morning. She was too tired for this, she went into Lunas room and got dressed.

She pressed a kiss to Lunas lips quickly whispering that she was going home and would call her later, when she opened the door to the apartment she heard a door open, she saw it was Clarkes and just shook her head closing the door behind herself quickly not wanting to see her.

**Clarkes POV**

When she slammed her door shut she stood on the other side breathing heavily. She threw herself on her bed. It took her less than three minutes to realize she was being an idiot.

What was wrong with her? When she woke up and realized that Lexa was gone she was angry, when she looked up to see her walking out of Lunas bedroom the anger flared and if she was honest she was jealous. Spending time with her that night had only made her like girl beyond her looks.

She needed to stay away from her, having a crush on Lexa would only end terribly, she was Lunas girlfriend. But when she heard movement from the living room she jumped up towards her door hoping it was Lexa. When she opened the door and saw Lexa leaving the apartment her heart dropped. She stood in her doorway looking at the door until Lunas bedroom door opened.

She turned to see Luna smiling at her. “Good morning Clarke. How did you sleep?”

She shrugged and walked over to the couch picking it up and bringing it to her face, it smelled like Lexa. She put it down and away from herself.  


“Okay, you?”

“Great, sleeping with Lexa next to me is always amazing.”

Clarke didn’t say anything to that, did Luna really think Lexa was in bed with her all night long? How could she not realize Lexa had been with her instead, but then she remembered Lexa stopping her from getting Luna. Something was off here but it wasn’t her place to question it.

“Why did Lexa leave so early?”

Luna shrugged, “She didn’t say, she seemed fine earlier but then she just decided to leave, she sounded a little upset, I’m going to ask her later.”

“Okay.”

“Want to go grab some food from the diner down the block?”

“Yeah let me just get dressed.”

She got up and made her way to her room leaning her forward on the closed door. She needed to find a way to not like Lexa and soon.

                                                                                                                          

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me guys.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to post this earlier this week but decided I needed to make it longer. Enjoy guys :)

 

**Lexas POV**

*A week later*

“Lex, can you just come over?”

She put the phone down and put it on speaker, “I don’t really want to, you just come here.”

“No! What was the point of us not living together if we are only ever at your place!?”

The apartment door opened and Lincoln walked in eyeing the phone in the table and then raising his eyebrows at her, she shook her head and picked the phone up heading towards her room.

She didn’t feel like seeing Clarke but she also didn’t want Luna to know that, it would just make things awkward especially considering they seemed to be becoming friends quickly. She must have gotten lost in her thoughts because Luna was calling out to her.

“Lexa are you even listening to me?”

“Yes, how about we go out on a date instead?” The silence told her she had said the wrong thing. She laid down on her bed waiting for something.

“Lun?”

“Alexandria Woods get your ass over here.” Lexas eyes widened and her mouth fell open when she heard the click that signaled the end of the phone call. She wasn’t sure how long she was staring down at her phone like that, only thing that made her snap out of it was the knocking on the door.

“Yeah?”

“Want to order pizza in?”

She looked up from her phone and to Lincoln and then back again. “I don’t think I can.”

He gave her a confused look waiting for an explanation.

“Luna just yelled at me to get my ass to her place.”

He smiled, “Took that girl long enough to put her foot down, she always does what you want.”

She shook her head, “That’s not true.” Is it? She tried to think back and couldn’t think of a time Luna ever really challenged a decision she had made.

“It is, you don’t really listen to her.”

She stood up and put her boots on, “Well I am now apparently.”

“You going to spend the night there?”

“No, I’m already tired.”

She stood and walked out of her room to the door, “Tell all the girls I say hi.”

She turned and looked at him, “The girls?”

He gave her a huge shit eating grin. “Luna, Clarke, Raven, and Octavia are having a sleep over.”

Her eyes widened, “You’re kidding me.”      

“Nope.” She sighed and opened the door grabbing her bag from the floor. “See you tomorrow Lex. She stuck her middle finger out at him before closing and locking the door.

**Clarkes POV**

She stood at the kitchen table organizing the snacks, but her mind was elsewhere, she glanced at Luna who stood across from her comparing the different chocolate bars. She had tried all week not to think or talk about Lexa. She had only succeeded at one of those things so far and she was certainly about to fail at the other.

“How has Lexa been?”

Luna stopped her movements and sat down sighing heavily, trouble in paradise?

“I don’t understand her.”

Clarke sat down and opened a candy, trying not to seem too excited to finally talk about Lexa, even if it was with Luna.

“Explain.”

“All she wants to do is be over at her place, every time we have seen each other this week it has been at her place, I have asked her to come over here but it’ like she’s avoiding this place like the plague and I can’t figure out why.”

Clarke tilted her head to the side slightly, was Lexa seriously still upset at her about her outburst? It wasn’t that serious, at least not to her. If it was because of her Lexa could sure hold a grudge.

“Tell her to come over tonight.”

Luna shook her head, “She won’t, especially considering it’s a girl night sleepover.”

“Try Luna, just call her and tell her to come over. And maybe don’t tell her the plans for tonight.”

“Wouldn’t that be weird? I mean it’s supposed to be a girls night, having my girlfriend here might ruin that.”

Clarke couldn’t help but clench her fist around her candy at the word girlfriend, She shook her head at herself. Stop it.

“Then she’s not coming as your girlfriend, she will come as a friend. Call her.”

Clarke stood up and went to the fridge to get something to drink while Luna called, she wanted to listen in on the conversation so she turned to Luna and mouthed for her to put it on speaker. She listened for a bit before she got frustrated with Lexas stubbornness.

She grabbed the white board that was on the fridge and began writing fast, the first one saying why two apartments. Luna read it and shook her head but she nodded her head forcefully.

“No! What was the point of us not living together if we are only ever at your place!?”

Clarke smiled finally hearing Luna sound mad. Lexa didn’t say anything which only frustrated her more.

“Lexa are you even listening to me?”

“Yes, how about we go out on a date instead?”

That was it she grabbed the phone surprising Luna and quickly clicked the mute button.

“Luna put your foot down damn it, it’s like she knows she will eventually get her way with you if she is stubborn enough. Get mad!”

“Clarke it isn’t that serious.”

“Tell her to get her ass over here and that’s it, don’t give in for once, challenge her. You can’t let her walk all over you.”

Luna snatched the phone back, “Alexandria Woods get your ass over here.” Clarke snatched the phone back and quickly hung it up smiling brightly at Luna whose eyes were so wide she thought they were going to pop out of her head.

“Nice!”

“Do you think she’s going to really come?”

Clarke shrugged, the question was answered twenty minutes later when there was a knock on the door.

**Lexas POV**

She knocked on the door and shifted her weight from foot to foot. When she Clarke opened the door smiling at her she looked at her suspiciously.

“Wheres Luna?”

Clarke rolled her eyes but she ignored it and looked over her shoulder. “Hello to you too Lexa.”

She glanced at her, “Clarke.”

“She is in the shower by the way, come in.” Clarke moved to the side so she could walk in and she tried to go straight for Lunas room, trying to avoid any more awkwardness, she knew she shouldn’t still be mad but she couldn’t help it.

She reached the bedroom door but before she could close it behind herself Clarke followed her in and stood in the doorway.

“You are actually mad at me aren’t you?”

She laid back on the bed, kicking her shoes off.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

She turned her head so she could see Clarke who had crossed her arms in front of her chest.

“You really are stubborn. Look I’m sorry I snapped at you before but you don’t have to avoid me at all costs, we were having fun before that and you know it, we…”

Clarke stopped talking because Lexa had stood up and was standing in front of her, she was waiting to see what else Clarke had to say though so she just stood there waiting for her to continue. But instead Clarke took a piece of her brown hair in her hand and began twirling it around her finger seeming to have lost her train of thought.

Lexa reached up and grabbed her hand, “Clarke.”

Clarkes eyes widened and she took a step back removing Lexas hand and closed her eyes taking a breath in.

Clarke looked like she was going to run and Lexa couldn’t figure out why but she just knew she didn’t want her to. She took another step forward and grabbed one of Clarkes pink ends and wrapped it around her finger. “Finish talking.”

“You’re stubborn.”

“So are you.”

Clarke glared at her for a moment before continuing, her eyes following her hand that was still touching her hair. “I think we could be really good friends, if you would let us.”

Lexa cocked her head to the side, letting go of Clarkes hair and walking to the couch. “I think if we were to try and be friends we would fight a lot.”

Clarke nodded, “Probably.”

“And you are okay with that?”

Clarke shrugged her shoulders and sat on the coffee table across from her. “I think it might be worth it.”

Lexa studied her face, Clarke was stubborn just as stubborn as her, so as much as Lexa would try to avoid her, Clarke would probably try just as hard to not. She took a deep breathe in and was about to answer when the bathroom door opened and Luna stepped out in her towel.

Lexa looked her up and down appreciating the sight before her, she looked at Clarke who was watching her but looked away when their eyes met.

“Lexa you came.”

“You didn’t give me a choice.” She stood up and walked over to her pressing a kiss to her lips before Luna pulled back quickly.

“None of that tonight, it’s a girls night so we are just friends tonight, you might have to even sleep on the couch.”

She put her hands on her hips and took a step back. “Seriously?”

Clarke stood up and grabbed Lexas arm pulling her back to the couch, “Seriously, Luna go get dressed.”

Luna nodded and smiled at her winking right before she closed her bedroom door.

“I threw in the part about sleeping on the couch, thought it might help you.”

Lexas head snapped up. “Why would that help me?”

Clarke rolled her eyes, “Look I don’t get it if I’m being honest and maybe it’s not my place to but from last weekend I’m guessing you have problems sleeping with other people. I will put Octavia with Luna and Raven with me so you can have your space.”

Lexa searched the blue eyes looking at her and could see that Clarke was being genuine in trying to help her. So she nodded her head.

“Thank you.” Clarke just nodded and looked around the room like she was searching for something. When there was a knock on the door she jumped up to answer it but before she could Lexa called out to her.

“It might be worth it.”

Clarke turned away from the door with a huge grin on her face, "It definitely will be."

**Clarkes POV**

When she opened the door she was enveloped by two pairs of arms.

“Clarke!”

She tried to pull herself away but they just wouldn’t release their hold and it was getting hard to breathe. She did her best to wiggle away. “Let go!”

When Raven and Octavia finally did release her she took in a deep breathe in and glared at the girls who just giggled at her in response. She could see they weren’t steady and were relying on each other to stand up straight. She glared at them.

“Are you guys seriously already drunk?”

She looked to the couch for confirmation from Lexa that she was seeing the same thing.

Lexa nodded, “Seems like they are.”

Ravens head snapped so fast in Lexas direction thay Clarke wondered if she had whiplash.

“Lexa! Octavia Lexa is here.”

Clarke tried to hide her smirk as Raven stumbled her way over to the couch but she couldn’t when Lexa made a face that cried help the closer Raven got.

The moment Raven dropped down and sat in Lexas lap though her smirk dropped and she walked quickly towards the both of them. She stopped herself from yelling though when Luna walked out of her room.

Luna just leaned in the doorway watching what was going to happen.

Raven wrapped an arm around Lexas shoulder and snuggled herself in more even going as far as to grab one of Lexas arms and wrap it around her waist. She turned to face her and lifted her pointer finger and with a face of concentration she poked Lexa on the nose making Lexa shake her head.

“Um Raven?”

“Lexa, if I was gay I would totally try and get in your pants.”

“Umm thank you?”

Clarke felt her own anger rising but she watched as Luna watched seemingly amused by Ravens actions. Lexa looked uncomfortable, which bothered her even more. She stepped forward and put a hand on Raven shoulder, she motioned for her to get up bet Raven just wrapped both arms arms around Lexa and put her face into her neck breathing deeply.

“You smell delicious.”

Clarke spun on Luna, “Is this not bothering you?!”

Luna shrugged and smiled, “Lexa is just my friend tonight, besides pretty sure Raven is straight.”

Clarke shook her head and fought to unwrap Ravens arms without hurting Lexa, “Let go Raven.”

Raven sighed loudly and jumped up but not before pressing a kiss to Lexas cheek, Clarke smiled lightly when she saw Lexa wipe it away as soon as Raven was off of her.

“Don’t be jealous Clarke you are cute too.” Raven pressed a sloppy kiss to her cheek which she wiped off quicker than even Lexa did.

Clarke sat down next to Lexa, “Sorry about her.”

Lexa shrugged and wiped her cheek again, “Its fine, she is a loving drunk person I see.”

Clarke nodded, and looked Lexa over. “You need pajamas.”

She got up before Lexa could say anything and pulled her up by her arm and towards her room. She saw Luna eye her slightly for a moment before walking over to talk to Octavia who was leaning on the kitchen counter for stability.

She closed the door behind herself and Lexa and went straight to rummaging through her drawers. She grabbed a big tshirt and some shorts. When she turned to hand them to Lexa she was over on the other side of the room staring at the paintings that covered the floor and walls.

“Yeah I know it’s a mess.”

Lexa didn’t turn to look at her but just shook her head. “This is amazing Clarke.” Clarke watched as Lexa moved slowly going through all of the paintings. When Lexa moved all of her hair over to one shoulder Clarke saw what looked like tattoos.

“You have tattoos?”

Lexa turned and ran her hand over her neck nodding.

“Can I see them? “ She nodded and held her hair up so it was easier to see. The one right below her hairline on her neck was of a broken infinity symbol.

“Why broken?”

Lexa looked over her shoulder at her. “Nothing lasts forever Clarke.” She didn’t know what to say to that so she didn’t say anything. She saw what looked like a tattoo that began below the infinity symbol.

“Can I see the other one?”

“It’s big, goes down my spine.”

Clarke nodded taking that as a no. But then Lexa was looking forward again but her hands were pulling the bottom of her shirt up and over her head. She once again moved her hair to one side and held her shirt to her bra covered chest.

Clarke was shocked at the movement, but more shocked at how beautiful the art on her back was. A part of it was covered by Lexas bra. Without really thinking about it she reached forward and unclasped it, letting it fall to her sides. 

She realized what she did when Lexas head whipped to the side and their eyes met. Clarke gave her a small smile of reassurance. “I want to really see it.” Lexa nodded and faced away again clutching her shirt and her bra to her chest.

She took another step forward her hands itched to touch, so she did. She started at the top of the tattoo, she saw and heard Lexa take in a deep breathe at the touch, but she didn’t stop her so she continued tracing the tattoo down her back.

“It’s so beautiful.”

Before Lexa could say anything there was a knock on her door. Clarke spun around placing the clothes on the bed. “You can change in here.”

Lexa nodded, Clarke walked to her door opening it just enough to get herself out and closed it behind herself. Luna stood on the other side with a confused expression looking over her shoulder at the door.

“What’s Lex doing?”

“I gave her some things to change into”

“She could have just used my clothes.”

Clarke just shrugged her shoulders and let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding when Luna got distracted by Raven calling her over to the couch.

She felt like she just got caught doing something very wrong. She wasn’t doing anything wrong, was she?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you guys think? I really enjoyed writing this chapter for some reason.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

**Lexas POV**

“Nothing lasts forever Clarke.” She knew that sounded depressing but it was true, if she learned anything at her young age that was it.

“Can I see the other one?”

“It’s big, goes down my spine.” She thought about it for a second before she reached down and began lifting her shirt over her head. She moved it to cover her chest, even though Clarke wouldn’t be able to see anything anyway.

She faced forward again trying to let Clarke take her tattoo in, but then she felt the clasp on her bra release, her head snapped to the side and her eyes met blue ones. What was she doing? Clarke gave her what looked like a shy smile.

“I want to really see it.”

She nodded and turned her head back trying to figure out why her heart was beating so rapidly. She tried to calm it, clutching her clothing to her chest. If she pressed hard enough maybe it would stop.

When she felt Clarkes hand start tracing the tattoo at the base of her neck and work its way down she could help but gasp at the touch, every spot she touched began to ignite something within her, and she couldn’t bring herself to stop her.

Instead she closed her eyes and let herself be enveloped by what she was feeling, she almost missed Clarkes words.

“It’s so beautiful.”

She should say something she should move away but she couldn’t do either and then there was a knock on the door and she felt Clarkes warmth taken away from her.

“You can change in here.”

She couldn’t turn to look at her, so she just nodded her head only turning when she heard the door being closed. She looked at the clothes on the bed but didn’t move to put them on but instead laid herself down on the bed itself.

She heard Clarke and Lunas voice on the other side of the door but she couldn’t make out what they were saying nor did she care to. The only thing she was thinking was what the hell just happened. Clarke was being nice and she made it weird having that kind of reaction.

A reaction she hasn’t had to anyone since…. No she couldn’t think about it. She sat up and pulled on Clarkes Tshirt along with the shorts. She took a deep breathe before opening the door, she was being stupid it was nothing.

The better part of the hour was spent trying to get Raven off of her, for a straight girl she sure didn’t seem to be. Octavia wouldn’t stop talking about Lincoln which honestly made her kind of nauseous. Luna pretending they weren’t dating was annoying, the only way she seemed to be able to do that was ignore her and give her flirty glances once in a while. It was bizarre honestly.

“Sexy Lexy!”

“Oh my god, Raven leave her alone already!”

“Clarke stop getting jealous!”

“I’m not jealous!”

Lexa grimaced as Raven sat next to her, “Clarke just wishes I gave her this much attention.”

“Raven are you sure, you aren’t into girls?”

“Only one way to find out.” Before Lexa could do anything Raven was pressing their lips together, she froze unsure of what to do.

“Raven!” She heard Luna and Clarke yell together, and Raven moved back and just studied her face. She brought her hand to her mouth and wiped as hard as she could, that did not just happen.

“Nope, still straight.”

Clarke pulled Raven up by her arm forcefully surprising everyone. “Are you fucking kidding me!? You can’t just kiss people Raven, I don’t care how drunk you are. Apologize to Lexa. Now.”

Raven pulled her arm free and glared at Clarke, “Calm down princess.” She turned so she was facing Lexa. “Sorry Lexa, I was just playing around.”

“Don’t ever do that again.”

Raven gave her a smile and a wink, “Oh come on wasn’t that bad.”

Lexa looked over Ravens shoulder and saw Lunas glare, that wasn’t good. Raven turned around and saw the way Luna was looking at her.

“Oh you’re mad? I can fix that.”

Raven grabbed Luna and hugged her while peppering kisses all over her cheeks. “Luna, you are so pretty, and nice and I’m sorry I kissed your girlfriend but in my defense you are both currently single. Also I’m sorry because she isn’t a good kisser.”

“Hey, I didn’t even kiss you back!”

Raven stopped her kissing and smiled at her over her shoulder, “Its okay Lexa I found your flaw, don’t deny it.”

That made Luna laugh and even Clarke had a small smile on her face. She just crossed her arms and sat back on the couch. Clarke sat next to her a moment later.

“Stop pouting Lexa.”

“I don’t pout.”

“Oh yeah so what do you call what you are doing?”

“Oh shut it.”

Clarke raised her hands in surrender, “Hey it’s not my fault you can’t kiss.”

She didn’t hesitate, she pulled the pillow from behind her back knocked Clarke on the head with it. Clarkes head bounced but she seemed to be in too much shock to do anything about it. Her mouth was open as her eyes widened impossibly big and she began rubbing her head.

Lexa couldn’t help but let out a laugh. Clarke tried to glare at her but she was failing miserably as the corner of her mouth kept rising even as she tried to fight it.

“Lexa has the best real laugh.”

At those words her smile dropped from her face, Clarke watched the change in her face and turned to glare at Luna who was no longer paying attention.

“Be nice Clarke.” Clarke blushed and she was pretty sure it was the cutest thing she had seen. She placed her hand on Clarkes and squeezed before releasing it.

“Okay drunky number one and number two get over here.” Octavia and Raven went to Clarke and she motioned for them to sit on the couch, Lexa decided to sit on the floor so she wouldn’t be squished.

Luna sat next to her for the movie, letting their shoulders brush every now and then smiling at her as if it was their little secret. Lexa just thought it was stupid but she didn’t want to be mean. She looked to the opposite side of what Luna was sitting on and rolled her eyes. She jumped when she felt a shove and looked up to see Clarke raising an eyebrow at her.

She felt her cheeks flush at being caught and went back to looking at the television. The movie was only half way over when Octavia stood up and declared she was going to bed. She half stumbled to Lunas bedroom.

“Move over.”

“No, you move over.”

“CLARRRRRRKE.”

Lexa looked behind herself and saw Raven physically trying to push Clarke onto the floor. Clarke began pushing her back, and she swore they looked like siblings about to have an all out brawl. “Raven stop pushing.”

“No! I want to lay down and she won’t let me.”

Lexa rolled her eyes and just waited until Clarke looked at her. “Come sit on the floor Clarke.”

“No! Why do I have to?”

Lexa just gave her a serious face, “Please come sit with me.” Clarke just looked at her for a moment, before turning and shoving Raven one last time before sliding down next to her.

Once the movie was over Luna stood up, “I’m going to bed too guys.” She bent down and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

Luna stopped at her bedroom door and pointed towards Raven, “Good luck getting her in bed.”

Lexa looked over her shoulder and saw Raven was completely knocked out. She and Clarke shared a look that basically said, how annoying it was going to be to get her up.

Lexa stood up first, she put her hands out to help Clarke up. Once they were both up they looked down at Raven who until Lexa looked at very closely seemed to not even be breathing.

Clarke bent down and began shaking Ravens shoulder slightly. “Ray, we have to go to bed.” There was absolutely no sign that Raven heard her.

Clarke bent over and began tapping ravens check lightly. “Ravennnnnn.”

“Are you sure she’s alive?” Clarke looked up and rolled her eyes, Lexa shrugged. “What she seems basically dead.”

“She is a naturally heavy sleeper. Now add in that she was drinking I think it might be impossible to wake her up.”

So where was she supposed to sleep then? She sat herself back on the floor like a child having a tantrum, and she knew it. Clarke just watched her, eyes widening.

Clarke crossed her arms over her chest and just looked down at her on the floor. “Really Lexa? Stop pouting and get up.”

She looked up at her eyebrows creasing, “I don’t pout!”

Clarke raised an eyebrow and squatted down next to her. Clarke leaned in close to her, Lexa felt the need to pull back but she was already pressed to the couch, there was nowhere to move. Clarke ran a finger over Lexas bottom lip, “What do you call this?”

Lexa sucked her bottom lip into her mouth and bit down slightly, she saw Clarkes eyes watching her movement. “Clarke.”

Clarkes eyes snapped up to her eyes, “Yeah?”

“Where am I going to sleep?”

Clarke glanced over and looked at Raven, and then at Lunas bedroom door. “Well Raven isn’t moving, do you want me to try and get Octavia up and into my bed so you can sleep with Luna?”

Lexa looked down at the floor and shook her head no, she didn’t want that. She felt Clarke lift her chin up and look at her directly in her eyes. “You won’t actually be able to sleep with Luna, will you?”

She couldn’t say anything, she felt embarrassed, what was wrong with her? She looked away from the intense blue before her and shook her head slightly. Clarke moved her head so they were looking at each other again. “You slept with me on the couch, do you want to sleep in my bed tonight? Or at least try to?”

“I don’t know if I can.” Clarke just nodded her head again but stood up offering Lexa her hand. Lexa looked at it a moment before taking it and letting herself be pulled up.

“I’m just asking you to try, if not then I guess we are pulling an all-nighter and I’m okay with that.”

Clarke didn’t let go of her hand but led her to her bedroom closing the door behind them. She only let go when she began looking around for something. She just stood there awkwardly waiting, trying to figure out what Clarke was doing.

Clarke turned abruptly smiling at her. “Friends marathon?”

She felt herself smiling, “Definitely.”

**Clarkes POV**

Clarke sat on her bed and pulled the covers back laying on her stomach and placing the computer against the headboard. She began logging in before she realized Lexa was still standing by the door.

“Come on Lex.” She patted the space next to her and pulled the sheet back.

“Do you think Luna will get mad?”

Hearing those words Clarke felt her heart drop for a second, she didn’t know what to say. If Lexa was her girlfriend and she was sleeping in bed with a girl who had feelings for her she would be mad. But Luna didn’t know, Lexa didn’t know that.

She didn’t say anything though, Lexa shook her head and gave a small very fake sounding laugh, “never mind she is sleeping with Octavia and I don’t care.”

“Octavia is straight and into Lincoln.”

Lexa just looked at her, she couldn’t figure out what she was thinking and she wanted to know what was running through her mind at that exact moment more than anything. But Lexa looked ready to turn around and walk right out of the room.

It took all of her strength but she broke their eye contact, “I’m about to press play, get over here.”

She didn’t take her eyes away from the screen until she felt Lexa settle down next to her, noting how Lexa made sure not to touch her at all. She couldn’t see Lexas face because her hair was in the way. She didn’t hesitate she reached over and moved it over her shoulder. Giving Lexa a small smile when she looked at her questioningly.

Lexa sat up and pulled her hair into a ponytail using a band that was on her wrist before laying down again. She looked over at her expectantly from the screen back to her face. Clarke ran her hands through her hair. “I always lose my bands, it’s the only reason my hair is always down.”

Lexa cocked her head to the side and glanced at her own wrist before looking away and biting her lip in thought. “I could braid it so it isn’t in your face if you want.”

Clarke wanted to say yes but she saw Lexas hesitation and it made her hesitate too. She looked into her green eyes and tried to figure out what to do. “If you want to, I would appreciate it.”

Lexa nodded and sat up motioning for her to do the same. Clarke sat up and Lexa crawled behind her sitting on her knees to get a better angle. She began piecing Clarkes hair apart.

“You can press play, I can multitask.”

“Are you sure?” Clarke turned her head to look at Lexa which made her huff and swat for her to turn back around.

“Yes, just don’t move your head.”

Clarke nodded her head in acknowledgment earning herself another swat to the head.

“Clarke!”

She threw her hands up in frustration, “sorry!”

She pressed play, they were barely into it when she felt and heard Lexa laughing behind her. It took everything in her not to turn around and look at her, because she knew Lexa looked beautiful laughing.

“Where did you learn to braid hair?” She felt Lexa stiffen behind her, her laugh quickly gone. Lexa didn’t say anything, if Clarke hadn’t felt the physical change she would have sworn Lexa hadn’t heard her.

She didn’t ask again but changed the subject to try and get her to relax. “Do you think the girl Chandler is talking to is hot?”

She felt Lexa shift and place her head right above her shoulder for a moment, their cheeks only two inches apart, she held her breathe until Lexa moved back.

“She’s okay, what do you think?”

“Nothing too special.”

She felt a couple more tugs on her hair but then Lexa let go. “Finished.”

She stood up and walked over to her closet which had a full length mirror on the door, she ran her fingers over her hair. It was beautiful, she was honestly impressed especially with how fast it was done.

She looked away from her hair to see Lexa leaning on the wall watching her through the mirror. “This is amazing, thank you.”

Lexa looked down and began playing with her fingers, she didn’t look up when she began talking. “Costia, that’s her name.” Clarke watch as Lexa shook her head and looked up towards the ceiling. “That was her name. She taught me how to braid when we were little.”

Clarke didn’t know what to say she didn’t know if she should even say anything at all, it was clearly hard for Lexa to talk about this. So instead of saying anything she turned around and grabbed Lexas hand and pulled her back towards the bed. Laying back down and motioning for Lexa to do the same which she did.

Except this time she didn’t face the laptop, she laid on her side holding her head up in her hand, she waited without saying anything, not wanting to pressure Lexa into talking. Lexa looked at her for a bit before she looked down and began tracing the pattern on the quilt.

“She was my best friend since sixth grade, she moved in next to me that summer. We went to middle school and high school together.”

She stopped talking again, stared up at the ceiling for a moment taking in a deep breathe, that’s when Clarke realized she was trying not to cry. She reached out and cupped Lexas cheek running her thumb along it, trying to calm her down.

Lexa gave her a sad smile before moving her hand away from her face. Clarke clutched a piece of the blanket in her hand trying to find something to ground her, something to keep her from doing anything she could to make Lexas pain go away, because that kind of pain wasn’t the kind that went away it was just one you had to learn to live with.

“We went two different colleges thirty minutes apart, it happened the beginning of junior year. I went to visit her, I… we argued a lot but never anything big, nothing we couldn’t get over. But that night I stormed out of her room during a fight over some stupid guy she was friends with. I just needed to go for a dive so I did.” Lexa took a deep breath in, her face was getting redder and redder from trying to hold her emotions in.

“She called my phone when she went looking for me and saw my car was gone. I ignored her calls turning my phone off, I just needed a couple of mintues. She thought I left back to school so she started driving that way. She got hit by a truck, died instantly.”

Clarke spoke without thinking. “You blame yourself.” It didn’t come out as a question but as a statement. Lexa just nodded her head, laying to face the computer once more and pressing play on the show.

Clarke watched Lexa watch the show, she paused it quickly and Lexa looked at her, she looked completely exhausted.

“Clarke don’t, I’m done.” She held up her finger to silence her, Lexa raised her eyebrows in surprise.

“I just wanted to say thank you.”

Lexa nodded in response before laying her head down on her arm closing her eyes, still on her stomach but her head facing her. Clarke knew she was going to fall asleep but she pressed play on the episode anyway. She could tell Lexa was having problems falling asleep with all of her movement.

She reached over and untied her hair from the ponytail it was in. Lexas eyes flew open and she grabbed Clarke hand.

“Shhh this helps me fall asleep when I can’t, lets see if it works for you. Lexa nodded and closed her eyes as Clarke began running her finger through Lexas long hair, mainly massaging her scalp as her attention was more on the show itself.

Lexa scooted closer to her, their legs pressed together, Clarke front touching the arm that Lexa used as a pillow even though there were plenty on the bed. She felt when Lexa fell asleep, her entire body relaxed and her breathing became lighter.

Clarke leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Lexas cheek, Lexa who acted so strong in front of others but who let her walls down for her. She wondered if Luna got to see this side of her, she hoped she didn’t.

She turned the computer off and placed it under her bed before fully laying down again, in her sleep Lexa curved her body into hers. She wanted to wrap her arms around her but knew that wouldn’t be appropriate so she just let Lexa lay as she wanted. She just liked being able to be this close to her at all, she didn’t need anything more.                                                                                                                                                                                                            

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of what I picture Clarkes hair to look like minus the curls.  
> https://www.google.com/search?q=braided+hairstyles+for+long+hair&espv=2&biw=1821&bih=857&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjruJzVrKTOAhXIlB4KHaM5CdIQ_AUIBigB&dpr=0.75#imgrc=dkFwAfNMM23HYM%3A


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This has time jumps!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was rushing to give you guys the next part of this story so please excuse any mistakes.

**Lexas POV**

She could feel the nightmare beginning, the darkness taking over the light, she had to fight it, she tried every night to fight  it but she never succeed, something felt different this time. Before the darkness could engulf her, her eyes snapped open.

When she was able to focus the first thing she saw was Clarkes face sleeping peacefully so close to her own, her warmth making her feel safe, making her feel like everything was going to be okay. She rolled onto her back for a moment, she wanted to sleep. But she was scared.

She lifted her hand and traced Clarkes jaw once before deciding to wake her up. She began lightly poking her. “Clarke?” She knew she was waking up when her face scrunched up.

“Lexa sleep.” She kept up with her poking until Clarke grabbed her hand, she was actually very fast for someone who was half asleep.

“Clarke please.” She watched as Clarke opened one eye and peaked at her. But she didn’t really wake up much to her dismay. Instead Clarke moved closer to her if that was even possible. Their foreheads pressed together, she stopped breathing. She closed her eyes for a moment and when she opened them Clarkes eyes bored into her own.

“Nightmare?”

“Almost.”

Clarke just nodded making their noses brush quickly. Lexa quickly ducked her head down below Clarkes chin and burrowed in, she breathed in deeply, she felt Clarke tense around her but relax after a moment.

“Want to try and go back to sleep?” She nodded slightly and it was her turn to tense up when Clarke began running her fingers up and down her back.

“Relax.” She took a deep breathe in and allowed herself to listen. Not too long after she felt her eyes grow heavy and her mind start to calm down. Her last thought being she shouldn’t be doing this.

Next thing she knew she was being yelled at.

“You guys left me on the couch!”

Her eyes snapped open registering the voice and then realizing the position she was. Clarke was wrapped around her and she was curled into her, She turned her head and saw Raven glaring at them.

“Go away Raven!” Clarke tightened the arm that was around her and buried her face into her hair. Raven didn’t say anything she just stood in the doorway glaring and raising her eyebrow at the position they were in.

She began to try and wiggle away but Clarkes grip only strengthened. Lexa began to feel a panic rising in her chest. She shouldn’t be laying here, not like this, not at all.

“Clarke get off!” She regretted yelling it the moment the words were out of her mouth. When Clarke actually did let go and move away from her with that look on her face. The look of betrayal, confusion,  of pure hurt she wanted nothing more than to pull her arms back around her and act like Raven wasn’t there.

Instead she sat up and began rubbing her eyes mostly avoiding the different looks Raven and Clarke were giving her. She jumped and pulled the covers up when she heard Lunas voice.

“What’s going on?

Thankfully she didn’t have to say anything. “Raven is mad because she wouldn’t get up last night effectively taking Lexas bed so Lexa slept in here while Raven got the couch.”

“You slept in Clarkes bed?”

She nodded her head waiting to see what Luna would do. Would they fight? Was this going to be a problem? But Luna just shrugged and walked out of the doorway. Right Luna doesn’t fight, she just accepts whatever she throws at her.

Raven just glared at them a moment longer before walking away and muttering “assholes” before slamming the door shut.

Lexa hadn’t looked again but she knew she was in trouble, she could feel it in the air. She glanced at Clarke from the side and saw the glare. She reached out to grab her hand that Clarke currently had in her lap but she snatched it out of her reach.

Lexa turned and sat so she was facing the very angry woman before her. “You’re mad at me and I deserve it. I’m sorry.”

Clarkes glare lessened but she looked at her now suspiciously. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you, I don’t know I panicked. You took care of me last night and I fucked it up this morning, I didn’t mean to.”

Clarke stopped glaring at her but did nothing else to show she was forgiven. Lexa reached forward again and this time Clarke let her grab her hand. Lexa made it so their hands were palm to palm. Her fingers  were longer and skinnier than Clarkes.

She looked from their hands back to Clarkes face, “Do you forgive me princess?” Clarke rolled her eyes but Lexa could see the smirk she was trying to hide.

But next thing she knew Clarke shoved her and she literally fell off of the bed with a loud thump that was her butt hitting the floor. She laid there for a moment in shock as Clarke looked down at her from the bed with a huge smile on her face.

She sat up and watched as Clarke got up and walked to the door, “I forgive you commander.”

Lexa sat on the floor a moment longer, “Commander?”

 

 

** Two weeks later**

**Clarkes POV**

Commander: HURRY UP

Clarke: Don’t rush greatness

Commander: I will start without you

Clarke: You wouldn’t dare.

Commander: (Finger hovers over button)

Clarke: Lexa!! You better not!

Commander: ………. >_<

Clarke: Press play now!

Commander: Did it!

She sat back as the episode began to play, smiling to herself when she realized which one it was.

Clarke: This is a good one.

Commander: You say that about all of them.

Clarke: I’m always right.

Commander: Maybe.

She couldn’t help the goofy grin that came to her face. Watching the show and texting had been their compromise when she had a tantrum when she found out Lexa saw a few episodes without her. She knew she was being very extra about it but it was their thing and she wanted to keep it that way.

There was a knock on her door, she looked up from her phone screen quickly putting it down.

“Come in!”

Luna walked in with a smile on her face and sat down next to her.

“What you up to?”

Her phone vibrated again. Luna glanced down at the phone but before she was able to get a look she covered it with her hand and pulled it closer to her.

Luna looked to her computer and rolled her eyes. “You watching this too?”

“Yeah, you don’t like it?”

Luna shrugged her shoulders but got more comfortable watching the episode.

“Yeah but Lexa has been obsessed with it, she made me watch it for like 4 hours straight the other day, she hasn’t asked to see it since then though so maybe it was just one day thing.”

Clarke shrugged her shoulders, she knew Lexa didn’t watch it with Luna because she got mad at her for watching it without her. Her phone vibrated again and she ignored it. She itched to pick it up and check the message but it felt weird and Luna was now completely watching the show too.

Five minutes later another vibration. Luna glanced at her phone again and raised her eyebrows in a way that seemed to be asking why she wasn’t answering, but she pretended not to notice.

She thought Luna would only stay a few moments but no, she stood for the entire episode. When it finished and she got up Clarke almost couldn’t hold in her sigh of relief. The moment her bedroom door closed she grabbed her phone and unlocked it.

Commander: Would you try breast milk?

Commander: Clarke?

Commander: God you are ANNOYING

Clarke rolled her eyes. Fantastic.

**Three weeks later**

**Lexas POV**

“Lun we planned this for weeks, the tickets were bought a month ago!”

She stood up and started pacing back and forth in front of Lunas bed. Luna grabbed her hand to try and comfort her but she snatched it away.

“Lex come on don’t be like that,  please understand.”

“Yes, but you understand that you pestered me into doing something special, I got us damn Broadway show tickets for our six month anniversary and you are now canceling on me. I’m supposed to just be okay with it?”

“Do you want to sell the tickets? Or you can take someone else so you don’t miss out? I know how much you love the Lion King, don’t miss out because of me. Ask Lincoln.”

She just looked at Luna, was she serious? She couldn’t do it, if she stood there she was going to say things she would regret later. Even if she was mad at her Luna was too… Luna to hurt.

“I need to go.” She turned and grabbed her bag and started walked out of the bedroom door, slamming it shut behind herself.  She heard the door open behind her and couldn’t help rolling her eyes.

“Lexa please don’t leave like this.” She turned to see tears running down Lunas face, it made her freeze for a moment but her anger didn’t disappear.

“I can’t Luna, I’m trying not to hurt you, just give me space.”

“Lexa please come in the room and just talk to me.”

Her anger flared again, “What about needing space don’t you understand!”

Before Luna could respond the apartment door opened and Clarke just stood in the door, her eyes going from Lunas crying face to hers. Lexa just shook her head and went to walk away.

“Lexa?”

She took a deep breathe in, “Luna stop, I’ll call you.” She saw Costias face flash in head and turned back to face Luna, “I will call you, just later, I need to calm down.”

She turned back to Clarke who was standing in the doorway and brushed past her on her way out. She felt her eyes follow her but kept walking.

When she made it downstairs she heard footsteps running down the stairs, she rolled her eyes knowing Luna wouldn’t listen to her. But when she turned around ready to tell her to go home. It wasn’t Luna.

“Clarke?”

“Lexa, what the hell happened?”

“What are you doing?” Clarke rolled her eyes at her which only made her angrier so she walked out of the building before she could say anything else.

Clarke caught up with her quickly but didn’t say anything and just kept walking beside her. She stopped paying attention and just stood in her thoughts. She overreacted, she sighed out loud and saw Clarke glance at her.

She didn’t think six months was really anything to celebrate, so when Luna said she wanted to make it special Lexa only agreed to make her happy, so Luna canceling really bothered her. Not that they weren’t celebrating, but because she only did it for her in the first place.

They must have been walking for about twenty minutes when Clarke spoke up.

“Where are we going?” Lexa looked around not really recognizing where they were but noticing the Café on the corner and pointed towards it, Clarke nodded.

When they stepped inside and were seated Lexa began looking over the menu. Only looking up when Clarke spoke.

“What’s good here?”

“I don’t know, I don’t even know where we are.”

Clarke just nodded and went back to looking at the menu. Lexa watched her over hers, she and Clarke had gotten closer over the past couple of months, she was a good friend, she could talk to her and she seemed to always be there.

“Thank you.” Clarke glanced up and their eyes met briefly, but the waiter came to take their orders. Lexa knew the waiter was looking at Clarke a little longer than she had to. Clarke seemed oblivious though and just smiled at her and she couldn’t help but return it.

“So do you want to talk now?”

Lexa shrugged and looked away, “It was stupid, I over reacted.”

Clarke just looked at her and leaned forward elbows on the table, just watching her to see if she would keep talking. When she didn’t Clarke just moved back and went into her own bag taking out a sketch book.

Lexa looked out the window and watched all the people walking around, the sun began going down.

She looked over and saw Clarke glanced up at her every couple of seconds, “Are you drawing me?”

“Yes.”

“Do I need to stay still?”

“No.”

She stopped looking at the window and decided to watch Clarke instead. “I loved your gallery showing by the way.”

Clarke smiled at her again, “You have told me that like twenty times Lex.”

She shrugged her shoulders, “Well I did.”

The waiter walked back with her eyes trained on Clarke the whole time. She felt her gut tighten at it, but when she looked at Clarke and saw her eyes were still trained on her the tightness lessened.

“Alright this is for you beautiful.” Lexas eyes widened and Clarkes head snapped up so fast to look at the waitress for the first time.

“Thank you Niylah.” Clarke smiled at her and Lexas eyes widened and she looked at the waitress to see her blushing and readjusting her name tag which was crooked.

“Thanks, we will call you if we need you.” The waitress turned and looked at her with a confused expression before glancing once more at Clarke before walking away. Lexa felt her anger growing, she closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose with her fingers.

She felt a hand on hers pulling it away from her face, She opened her eyes to Clarke giving her that smile, she placed their hands on the table no letting go. The contact relaxed her, it helped that she saw when the waitress noticed and frowned at it. 

Clarke rubbed her thumb along her hand before giving it a squeeze and starting to eat her burger. Lexa did the same, she continually checked to see where Niylah was to see if she was still watching Clarke, most of the time she was. Was she a stalker or something?

Clarke saw her looking at Niylah and said, “She’s pretty isn’t she?”

“No.” She lied, Niylah was pretty but she wouldn’t admit it.

They didn’t speak as they ate, but once she finished she felt ready to talk. “Luna basically forced me to plan something for our six month anniversary which by the way isn’t a real thing, I got us Broadway tickets and now she can’t come. Her dads birthday is the next day and her mom told her she had to go home early to help her prepare.”

Clarke finished eating too and was watching her talk. When she was about to talk Lexa noticed she had something right on the corner of her lip she leaned across the table and wiped it off her finger brushing over Clarkes lips. She could have sworn she heard her gasp at her touch but she shook her head thinking she must be hearing things.

“I mean now that I’ve kind of calmed down I may have overreacted. It’s her dads birthday I get it. I just got really mad in the moment, I need to apologize.”

Clarke smiled at her and nodded. “Are you going back home with her for her dads birthday then?”

Lexa shook her head quickly. “Definitely not.”

“Why do you say it like that?”

Lexa looked away and caught Niylahs eyes, she glared at her before turning back to Clarke. “I haven’t met her parents.”

Clarkes eyes widened. “What!?”

Lexa looked around to see people looking at them. Clarke looked around nervously and smiled at everyone before turning back to her and repeating herself quietly this time.

“What?”

Lexa shrugged, “I don’t want to meet them, I’m….. I’m not ready. It’s too real. I don’t know.”

Clarke just looked confused. “Lexa she moved here for you, it’s real. I couldn’t date someone my parents hadn’t met, they are really important to me.”

Lexa breathed out loudly, “I didn’t ask her to move here.”

Clarkes eyes widened and she sat back. She played back what she just said and shook her head.

“Look I…. I care for her I do, but I can’t I don’t know. She’s good for me she makes me better, I’m trying. Lincoln says he sometimes he can tell I care for her and then he says it’s like I shutdown on her sometimes and it makes even him question, but I do. She’s my girlfriend, I care about her, I wouldn’t be with her if I didn’t really care about her. I mean you know Luna, shes beautiful, kind and a happy person, she can make me laugh more than most people and she appreciates me the way I am, what more could I ask for? ”

During her rant she stared down at the table but when she looked up and saw Clarkes face she shut up. Clarke looked at a loss for words.

“I’m not asking you to convince me.” For a second Clarke glared at her before standing up. “I need to use the bathroom and then I want to go home.”

Clarke walked away quickly before she could say anything. Niylah came back over to the table. “Is she okay?”

Lexa looked up and glared at her, “Can I just get the check?” It looked like Niylah was mid eye roll before she stopped herself and placed the paper in her held out hand. Before she could walk away Lexa passed her her card.

Niylah came back quickly with the receipt, when Lexa was signing she saw Niylah place something under Clarkes water.

After taking the signed receipt she walked away quickly and headed to the back, Lexa couldn’t help but reach over and pick up a napkin that had a number and her name on it. Lexa raised her eyebrows and crumpled the napkin and put it inside her own water.

There was no way she was going to let that happen. When Clarke came out of the bathroom she got up and passed Clarke her stuff and grabbed her hand, when she saw Niylah come out and look at them she stopped walking and stood in front of Clarke.

“Thank you Clarke, for listening to me.” She leaned forward and pressed a light kiss to Clarkes cheek before looking over Clarkes shoulder to see Niylah glaring at her. Apart of her knew she was doing something she shouldn’t but she didn’t care enough to let Niylah have a chance with Clarke.

“Um you’re welcome.”

She pulled them through the door. “By the way want to go with me to see The Lion King on Broadway Saturday?”

Clarkes eyes widened. “I love The Lion King!”

She smiled, “I will take that as a yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of your comments made me want to write this as soon as possible so thank you guys! I really appreciate yo guys giving this story a chance.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's late, I'm tired. Maybe I will check for grammar mistakes in the morning, maybe not.

**Lexas POV**

“But why her?”

She lifted her head from where it laid on Lunas stomach to look at her face. Her eyes looked sad and she felt her heart clench quickly. She lifted herself off of her slightly in order to trail kisses from Lunas belly button up, she smiled quickly at the reaction Lunas body had to her lips before quickly pressing a kiss to her lips when they were face to face.

“Because Clarke is my friend, yours too by the way, and I rather go with her than Lincoln.”

She shifted her body so she was next to Luna and had her head propped up on her hand. Luna turned onto her side to face her.

“When did you two get so close?”

“Are you jealous?”

She was joking, smiling to show it, but when Luna looked at her with serious eyes and a slight frown her smile dropped.

“Should I be?”

Her heart began beating wildly and she prayed Luna couldn’t tell. She closed her eyes and saw Clarkes eyes in her mind, she shook her head trying to get them out, but they wouldn’t go away so she opened her eyes instead to see Lunas brown eyes watching her.

“No.”

“Okay.” She felt Lunas hand pulling her head down and she closed her eyes thankful she no longer saw blue as she kissed the woman in front of her.

**Clarkes POV**

“Okay, I will be back Sunday. Lex I’m giving you a copy of my keys just in case.”

Clarke sat on the couch and watched Luna run around for fiftieth time, Lexa stood by the door holding it open.

“Lun, the Ubar has been downstairs for like five minutes already, you are only going for the weekend come on.”

“I know, I know.”

Clarke pulled her eyes away from Lexa when Luna began walking towards her. She bent down and pressed a kiss to her cheek quickly.

“Take care of Lexa for me, and have fun this weekend, you deserve it.”

Clarke smiled up at her, “I will and you too.”

Luna walked towards the door, Lexa grabbed her bag and ushered her out, before closing the door she turned and smiled at her.

“I will see you tomorrow, text you in a few.”

She felt her heart skip a beat, she would have Lexa to herself and she couldn’t wait.

**Next Day**

She stood in front of her almost empty closet trying to figure out what to wear, glancing over at her now covered bed where Octavia sat on the corner just picking through the mess.

She couldn’t decide and it was driving her crazy, she threw herself on top of the clothes making some fall to the floor.

“Christ Clarke, just choose something, you’re just going out with Lexa, nothing special.” She looked over and glared at her, she just didn’t understand but she couldn’t blame her. She had told no one of her feelings they were wrong and seemingly unrequited.

Her phone buzzed and she grabbed it quickly.

Commander: Ready?

She sighed loudly making Octavia raise an eyebrow.

Clarke: What are you wearing?

Commander: Dress and heals.

Commander: Too much?

She smiled at the second message that came directly after the first.

Clarke: Sounds perfect J

Clarke: I will be ready in 15

Lexa: I will be there in 10

She jumped up and grabbed a black shirt and her white skirt, she quickly put them on and grabbed her comfiest black boot heals from her closet. She ran to the bathroom and plugged in her curling iron and did her makeup as it heated up.

“Umm Clarke, you don’t think this is a bit much? Are you trying to meet someone?”

She looked away from the mirror when she heard a knock on the door, before Octavia could go open the door, she yelled. “Use your key!”

Octavia turned towards her and had a questiong face but then Lexa was standing behind her and Clarke swore her jaw dropped. Octavia spun around and she knew hers must have dropped because so did Octavias.

“Lexa, wow. Like wow, you look amazing.”

Lexas cheeks turned a light shade of pink making her look even more amazing. 

“Thanks O.”

Lexa looked over and their eyes met, she saw as Lexa looked her up and down and her smile grew wider making her blush and smile in return. Octavia looked between them. “If I didn’t know any better I would say this was a date.”

Lexa rolled her eyes and shoved Octavia out of the way walking into the bathroom, she walked until she was standing right in front of her and held out her hand. “You ready?”

She nodded her head and took Lexas hand as she pulled her towards the door. Octavia followed behind them grabbing her stuff and Clarkes bag handing it to her.

“You know Lincoln and I both resent not being invited.”

“Isn’t he spending the night at your place tonight?”

Octavia rolled her eyes dramatically, “Not the point Lex.”

Lexa leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Octavias cheek, Clarke felt a flash of jealousy and rolled her eyes at herself. She laughed at Octavias blush.

“Ohhhh I’m telling Lincoln, you blush when Lexa kisses you.”

“Ugh, fuck you both.”

Clarke and Lexa both laughed as Octavia stormed out of the apartment. She turned to look at Lexa, she truly looked amazing.

“You are in an extra good mood, why?”

Lexa shrugged her shoulders her smile never leaving her face, “I have been looking forward to this all week, seeing my favorite movie on Broadway, with my best friend.”

Clarkes eyes widened she placed her hand over her heart and pretended to wipe a tear. “Oh my god I have been promoted to best friend.”

Lexa rolled her eyes placing a hand on her hip. “I take it back already.”

Clarke shook her head. “Nope too late, you said it, no taking it back, and we need bracelets to make it official!”

Lexa glared at her and took out her phone bringing it to her ear.

“Who are you calling?”

“Octavia, you are no longer invited.”

Her eyes widened, she couldn’t be serious. “Haha, lets go.” Her jaw dropped open when Lexa pulled the phone from her face and pressed the speaker button.

“Lexa? Hello?”

She reached and snatched the phone out of her hand. “Butt dial sorry!” She pushed Lexa out of the door as she laughed at her.

“Not funny Woods.” She couldn’t help but smile, she loved this girl. She froze at the top of the stairs at her own thoughts. Lexa paused at the bottom her smile dropping from her face, she walked back up to her and stood in front of her.

“Clarke? What happened? You Okay?”

No. No. No. No.

“Yes”

Lexa studied her another moment before grabbing her hand and pulling her down the last few steps. When She tightened her grip to make sure Lexa wouldn’t let go she knew.

She was screwed.

**Lexas POV**

When they made their way into the Minskoff Theater she stopped, taking it all in, it was one of the most beautiful things she had ever seen. She looked to the side and saw Clarke doing the same, taking it all in. Definitely one of the most beautiful things she had ever seen.

They stopped to grab drinks from the bar.

She grabbed Clarkes hand, they shared a smile as she led them towards their seats.

She thought the original movie of Lion King was the best thing she had ever seen, she was wrong this was so much better. When the curtains closed for the half point break. She tore her eyes away from the screen to see Clarke watching her.

“This is amazing!”

Clarke laughed at her enthusiasm making her frown in embarrassment.

“Oh no, no pouting Lex.” She was going to deny her pout when Clarke ran her finger over her bottom lip making it tingle. She licked her lips willing it to stop and looked away eyes focusing on the stage.

Clarke ran her hand down her arm asking for her attention, she looked to her. “I’m going to the bathroom, be right back.”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

Clarke shook her head quickly and stood up to get past her. A few minutes after Clarke left there was a tap on her shoulder.

She turned to see two women sitting behind her, a blonde and a brunette. The blonde one being the one who tapped her.

“I just wanted to say you and your girlfriend are adorable.” Lexas face scrunched up in confusion, her girlfriend? The blonde had an English accent which also threw her off. She gestured to Clarke seat as an emphasis.

The brunette spoke up this time. “How long have you been together?” That same kind of accent.

She began shaking her head quickly. “She isn’t my… I have… She’s my girlfriends roommate.”

The brunette made a face that almost made her burst out laughing.

“Rosie! I told you not to assume. Sorry my wife was convinced and wouldn’t listen to me. Obviously I’m the bright one.”

She didn’t know what to say to that, were they about to fight?

“Shut up Rose the roommate is coming back.” Lexa looked away from the women to see Clarke making her way back towards her with a smile on her face, she tried to smile back but it didn’t make it to her eyes and she knew Clarke could tell when she stopped smiling.

Clarke handed her another drink.

She sat and pulled Lexas hand into hers trying to soothe her by rubbing her hand with her thumb.

“What’s wrong?”

She glanced behind her and saw both women watching her with raised eyebrows. She pulled her hand out of Clarkes and pretended to move her hair away from her face.

“Nothing, can’t wait for it to start.”

Clarke just nodded her head not looking convinced but then the lights began to dim and they went back to focusing on the show.

**Clarkes POV**

When the show finished Lexa seemed back to herself, when she wasn’t looking she quickly placed the bag with her purchases into her purse.

“That was amazing.” She laughed and pushed some of Lexas hair away from her face as they waited for the people around them to begin making their way out. Lexa stopped smiling for a moment glancing behind them. Clarke looked to where she saw Lexas attention was to two women sitting behind them. The blonde was raising her eyebrow at Lexa. While the brunettes eyes were on her.

“You are very pretty.”

She looked between Lexa and the woman but none of them said anything else.

“Umm thanks?”

Then Lexa was tugging her up to leave, she glanced over her shoulder one last time to see the brunette kiss the blonde on the lips. They looked cute.

When they stepped outside it was pouring, at that exact moment she felt her phone vibrate she took it out to see the flash flood warning and showed it to Lexa who glared at her phone as if it had betrayed her.

“My place is closer, we will take a cab and you can wait out the rain there.”

She nodded her head and they ran into the rain, hailing for a cab. Thank god they lived in Nyc, it only took a moment for a cab to stop.

In the months she has known Lexa she had never been to her place, out of the group Luna and Octavia were the only ones to have gone over. Octavia only because she was with Lincoln.

When the door was unlocked it was so.. Lexa and Lincoln. All earthy tones, completely clean while still looking like a home. She froze on the doorway, her skirt dripping onto the floor, they may have caught a cab quickly but the rain was crazy.

Lexa walked in and turned to see her standing there, so she gestured to the dripping.

“Aw Clarke you couldn’t hold it a little longer?”

She raised her middle finger trying not to smile. “Fuck off Lex.”

Lexa laughed and she couldn’t hold her smile back.

“Come on I will give you something to wear just don’t sit anywhere.”

She followed Lexa into her room but froze in the door way when her attention was caught by something. Her artwork.

Lexa began rummaging through her drawers as if it wasn’t there at all. When Lexa looked up at her she followed her gaze to the painting hanging above the bed.

“Oh ummm, surprise?”

“You bought my art?”

She tore her gaze from the wall to Lexa who held her hand out with clothes in it. She quickly grabbed them and began taking her shirt off, Lexa quickly turned and began changing her own clothes.

“Do you want to just spend the night? I don’t think its going to stop raining any time soon?”

“Stop changing the subject, just answer the question.”

“Yes I will sleep over, I get the left side. Now you bought my painting?”

Lexa turned around to face her, placing her hair in a bun on her head. She did the same hoping it would keep the dry shirt from getting wet.

“Yes, I told you I thought your work was amazing.”

“Clarke sat on the bed. Lexa sat behind her and undid the bun she just did and bega to braid her hair. She had gotten used to Lexa doing her hair and knew not to move.

“Why didn’t you tell me? If I knew you liked it that much I would have just given it to you.”

Lexa swatted her head and she hadn’t even moved.

“Hey!”

“Don’t be stupid I can’t let you become a starving artist. I want to be supportive, you are talented, when you become even more famous I need to have an original Clarke Griffin.”

She smiled, Lexa got more comfortable placing one leg on each side of her. Clarke heard her phone rining recognizing her dads ringtone.

“Lex, I need to get that.”

She heard Lexa sigh in frustration but she tapped her thigh to emphasize and Lexa tied off mid braid o she could rummage through her bag for her phone.

She answered while resettling herself between Lexas legs not noticing it was a facetime call until it was too late.

“Clarke!”

“Hey Dad, what’s up?”

“How was the show? What is happening with your hair?”

Lexa had begun braiding again when she sat down but her fingers froze when her dad asked.

“I’m with Lexa, she’s braiding it.”

“Ohhh the famous Lexa, I want to see her.” She rolled her eyes at him making him laugh. Lexa peaked over her shoulder making herself visible to the camera.

“Hello Mr.Griffin.”

“Call me Jake please, Clarke has told me so much about you, I feel like I know you already.”

God how could he be so cool and embarrassing at the same time?

“Dad, stop.”

“What I’m not going to lie to the girl. Lexa next time Clarke comes over you have to come with her, I have to see if you are as amazing as she makes you out to be.”

“Dad!”

“I can tell you embarrassing stories!”

“Father! I have to go now.”

“I definitely wont miss out on the stories ser.”

“Its Jake. Goodnight girls behave.”

“Good night dad, we will talk about this tomorrow.”

“Goodnight Jake!”

She clicked the button to end the conversation her cheeks bright red. If she could hide without getting another swat from Lexa she would.

“You two seem close.”

Lexas hands dropped and Clarke felt that her hair was in a braided up do. Lexa swatted her hand away and she rubbed it. Turning so her legs were over Lexas and she was facing her.

“Yeah, he’s amazing I couldn’t have asked for a better father. Even if he loves to embarrass me.” She shook her head knowing the horrible things he would show and tell Lexa.

“That’s nice, I wish I had that.”

“You aren’t close with your father?”

“We were…. He died when I was sixteen, he was a police officer.”

Clarke couldn’t imagine what she would do if anything happened to her father, he was one of the most important people in her life. She would fall apart.

“Lexa I’m so-“

“Don’t say you are sorry, I hate when people say that, you didn’t kill him, don’t apologize.”

She nodded unsure of what to say or do. She stood up and went to her bag getting the bag within it. Lexa raised her eyebrows at her in question.

She sat back on the bed in her previous pistition.

“I wasn’t kidding about the bracelets Lexa.” She smiled brightly at Lexas face of realization as she pulled out two identical charm bracelets. She saw them at the store on her way to the bathroom at the show and knew they were perfect. Lion King charm bracelets.

Lexa smiled brightly and put her wrist out for Clarke to put one of them on her. She then put the other one on herself.

She watched as Lexa went over every charm her smile growing with each one.

“This is amazing Clarke. Thank you.” She was taken by surprise when Lexa jumped up and wrapped her arms around her pulling her in, so caught off guard that she was pulled forward and on top of her.

She was pressing Lexa into the bed but neither one of them tried to get up. Clarke stared at the green eyes below her and then down to the full and very soft looking lips. When Lexa licked her lips she bit her own.

She wasn’t thinking, not at all. When she moved forward and brushed their noses together her mind was blank. All she knew was she wanted more, she needed more.  She ran her fingers along Lexas jaw and began to tilt it up. She needed to taste her.

She moved her other hand to Lexas hip and gripped it tightly eliciting a gasp, they were so close that she felt the air from Lexas mouth on her lips, so close. Her entire body was on fire where they touched. She closed her eyes ready to close the distance. 

“Clarke, Luna”

Her eyes snapped open and she felt Lexa pushing on her shoulder for her to get up. Shit. She sat up quickly rubbing her face to hide her embarrassment. She tried to kiss her.

“Lexa, I’m so sorry.” Lexa just shook her head and scooted to the other side of the bed.“Oh my God Luna.” Lexa was rubbing her temples. Her heart was beating fast, too fast she was beginning to panic.

“Stop, its okay nothing happened Clarke, relax.”

“But I tried, I just tried to kiss you. What the fuck is wrong with me?”

“Look we drank too much, its fine, let it go. Please.”

Clarke wanted to roll her eyes they had two drinks each they weren’t drunk and they both knew it but she just nodded and focused on calming herself down.

Lexa grabbed her computer without saying a word and began setting up Netflix. They laid with a lot more space between them than usual. She thought Lexa was fast asleep after  four episodes when she turned it off.

She turned to face her for a moment.

“I wouldn’t have stopped if you didn’t stop me.”

She was surprised when Lexas eyes shot open and she just stared at her. Neither of them said anything for a moment yet neither broke their eye contact. But then Lexa turned over giving her her back.

“I know.”

**Next Morning**

**Lexas POV**

She couldn’t sleep not with Clarke that close, not without replaying what happened over and over again in her mind.

She tossed and turned most of the night probably only getting three hours of sleep, spending the other 4 hours watching Clarke sleep, wondering what would of happened if she hadn’t stopped her but then Luna flashed into her mind every time she thought that and she felt like the worst person ever because she didn't want to stop her.

She wasn’t a cheater, she just wasn’t. At around seven thirty she climbed out of bed and got dressed. She glanced one more time at Clarkes sleeping form and left. She knew what she had to do, knew where she had to go. She just hoped she would be back before Clarke woke up.

The bell rang as she walked in, she went straight to the counter waving over the nearest waiter.

“Is Niylah here?”

The man nodded and went to the back, moments later Niylah walked out. Lexa knew the moment she recognized her by the glare she couldn’t quite contain, but she came over to her anyway.

“I remember you.”

“Can I get your number?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lexas outfit : http://tse1.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.M0001896559b8ab82b970b022306ab45co0  
> Clarkes outfit: https://elizataylorsource.files.wordpress.com/2015/02/photoshoot1.jpg
> 
> This is actually what the theater looks like, it is really amazing and so is Lion King, I saw it there a couple of years ago : https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/dd/16/9f/dd169f4c124b8ce9ffbd6556623bcfeb.jpg
> 
> Btw anyone recognize Rose and Rosie from anywhere?


	10. Chapter 10

**Clarkes POV**

She rolled over and reached her hand out, her eyes snapped open at the feeling of empty space next to her. She sat up quickly pulling her knees to her chest. She ruined it, Lexa was going to shut her out all because she couldn’t keep her feelings in check.

But in the moment she felt like Lexa wanted her too, she must have been wrong or she would have kissed her instead of saying Lunas name. Lunas name… being so close to Lexa, Luna hadn’t mattered to her, and as fucked up as it sounded it felt amazing to be in a moment with Lexa where Luna didn’t matter.

She glanced up at her artwork that hung on Lexas wall, why was it there? Sure Lexa could have like it, but she would have given it to her for free or made one specifically for her. She stood up and ran her fingers across the paint strokes, closing her eyes reliving what she was feeling with each stroke she created.

When she opened her eyes, she felt as if she was being watched, she turned to see Lexa watching her in the doorway with a bag in her hand. Neither said anything for a moment but just looked to see how the other was feeling.

“You’re up.”

Clarke tilted to her head to the side still trying to gage how Lexa was feeling. She couldn’t tell so she nodded her head to the statement.

“You left.”

Lexa lifted the bag in her hand and looked away from her, “I got up early and decided to get breakfast. I got you your favorite.”

She didn’t realize she was hungry until food was brought up, she brought her hand to her stomach making a sad face as it grumbled on cue. She looked up to see a small smile on Lexas face at her reaction.

“Banana chocolate chip pancakes?”

Lexa nodded, “Extra bacon. Come on.”

Lexa turned and walked towards the kitchen leaving her to scramble after. She began placing the food on the table and then walked to the fridge opening and looking inside. Clarke sat in front of the food that looked like her own and waited.

“Apple or orange?”

“Apple of course.”

Lexa placed her drink down and they ate in silence neither saying a thing, she couldn’t figure out if they were okay or not and she didn’t know how to ask.

“Lexa-“

“I got this from that café we went to remember? Last week with that waitress Niylah? Do you remember her?”

Lexa wasn’t looking at her and rushed while talking.

“I remember.”

Lexa thrust her hand out which had a napkin in it. She reached forward and took it looking down and seeing the number sprawled on it along with Niylahs name. She didn’t understand what was happening.

“Lexa what are you doing?”

“Niylah likes you, she wanted you to have her number. You should call her.”

She crumpled the napkin in her hand and glared at Lexa who still wasn’t looking at her.

“Lexa.”

Lexa finally looked at her and waited for her to say something.

“Did you go ask for Niylahs number because we… because I almost kissed you?”

She saw Lexa physically flinch at her words and it felt like a slap to her face and a punch to her chest, she knew Lexa didn’t want her but to have that kind of reaction? She stood up abruptly and began pacing back and forth trying to calm herself she didn’t know if she was going to yell or cry, maybe both.

“She tried to give you her number before that happened, I went back today to get it for you though yes.”

“What do you mean she tried before?” She stopped pacing and looked at Lexa who was rubbing he face with her hands.

“I threw it out before you could see it last time.”

Clarke furrowed her eyebrows in confusion trying to figure out what this meant. She moved to the chair next to Lexa and turned It so she was facing her.

“Why?”

Lexa looked at her, and shrugged her shoulders.

“You know why.”

Lexa kept her gaze, “Weakness.”

That confused her. “You stopped me from getting her number out of weakness?” Lexa nodded her head, stood up and began to clean.

“I think you are being weak Lexa, weak for trying to push me towards someone else, I don’t need anyone else in order to get over you. It’s easy.”

She walked towards Lexas room and quickly began changing into her outfit from the night before. She grabbed her bag and walked out of the room.

“Clarke please don’t leave like this.”

“No I get it.” She reached for the table and grabbed the crumpled napkin with the number. “Don’t worry I don’t need you. I get you don’t want me but that doesn’t mean you have the right to push me towards anyone else. You can’t control me. Who the fuck do you think you are?”

Lexa looked angry now. “I didn’t ask for this! You are right you don’t need me so go Clarke, go fuck her for all I care. I have a girlfriend! I can’t want you too!”

Clarke glared at her and half ran out of the apartment slamming the door behind her. As soon as she was downstairs she hailed a cab.

**Lexas POV**

“I can’t want you too!”

She stopped speaking the moment she realized what she just said. Clarke glared at her hopefully having not really realized what that implied and stormed out slamming the door behind her. She looked up towards the ceiling feeling the burn in her eyes. She shook her head. This wasn’t okay.

She walked towards her room but jumped when she stepped on something on the floor. She looked to her own wrist to make sure it wasn’t hers and it wasn’t.

Was Clarke really that mad to throw the matching bracelet on the floor and leave? She pouted as she picked it up and put it on her dresser. She was completely exhausted and didn’t feel like thinking right now. She climbed back into her bed, it smelled like Clarkes perfume. She would never admit that the smell helped her fall asleep.

The nonstop vibration of her phone was what finally woke her, she looked to her window to see the sun was still up. Her phone quieted for a moment before the vibrations began once again. She sighed and reached over to grab it. She rolled her eyes when she saw it was her brother calling before picking it up.

“Roan, why are you calling me like a psycho?”

“Maybe because I have been knocking on your door for the last twenty minutes.”

She sat up quickly throwing her blanket off and jumping out of her bed and heading to her door.

“You’re lying.”

There was a knock on the door that she heard through the phone along with a “Nope.”

She hung up the phone while unlocking the door to the big grinning man before her.

“Hey little Lexa.”

She punched him in the arm lightly before turning and sitting on her couch putting her legs up.

 “Really? No hey big brother thanks for driving three hours to see me?”

He pushed her legs off the couch and she glared at him. “Hello big brother, what are you doing here?”

“Can’t I just come see how you are doing?” He sat down and began running his hands through his hair eyes darting around the room. She could tell something was up.

“What’s wrong?”

He just shook his head and looked at her with sad eyes, Roan was never one to let his emotions show so she sat up straighter keen on figuring out what was going on.

“Is mom okay?” He just nodded his head and she wracked her brain trying to figure it out.

“You are freaking me out. Talk.”

“Echo left me.”

Lexa didn’t know what to say, she never really liked Echo anyway, neither did their mother, but she knew she couldn’t say that.

“Sorry to hear that.”

Roan looked at her and rolled his eyes. “No you aren’t and that why I’m here, I need a new start Lex.”

“What does that have to do with me?”

He patted the couch and gave her a small smile. “Can I stay here for a couple of days? I swear I already started looking into apartments, I will even sleep on the couch.”

Before she could say anything the apartment door opened and Lincoln walked in stopping when he saw Roan. A big grin broke out on his face as he made his way over to the couch and pulled him into a hug.

“What are you doing here?”

“I’m moving to the big city man.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I was just asking Lexa I could crash here for a couple of days while I look for apartments, if that’s okay with you?”

“Of course! You are going to love it here, we have to introduce you to the gang.”

“Yeah I want to meet your new girl too, does she by the way have any friends?”

Lexa punched Roan in the arm again but Lincoln just laughed.

“Two actually, are you into blondes or brunettes?”

“Lincoln!”

Both guys just laughed but she didn’t find the idea of her brother trying to get into Clarkes pants very amusing. She looked down and began playing with the bracelet on her wrist. Maybe it didn’t matter anyway, who knew if Clarke was ever going to talk to her again anyway.

“Actually Octavia said Clarke is supposed to make Sunday dinner tonight and told me to come over, want me to see if you can come too? “

“That sounds fun, you going Lexa?”

“Lexa and Clarke are basically attached at the hip, she will be there.”

She just looked between the two, how was she supposed to explain to people that she couldn’t be around Clarke anymore? How was she supposed to convince herself not to when the thought of seeing Clarke tonight had her beating faster just from the thought.

“Lexa?”

Her phone began ringing at that moment. She snatched it right away hoping it was Clarke telling her to come over that night. She answered without looking at the name.

“Clarke?”

“No….. It’s Luna.”

She felt her gut sink down when she realized who it was and felt guilty for it a second later.

“Hey, sorry I’m expecting a call from Clarke.” Well she wasn’t really but she did wish Clarke would call her so same thing right?

“Weren’t you guys just together?”

“What’s up Luna?”

There was a silence for a moment. “Actually Clarke is making dinner for everyone tonight but she said she would understand if we couldn’t make it and wanted some alone time.”

She furrowed her eyebrows at that. Clarke was pushing her to Luna?

“Actually my brother is here, going to stay with me a few days, I want him to meet everyone so tell her we are going.”

“Roan is there? Since when?”

“A couple of minutes ago.”

“Oh, I really wanted some alone time with you babe, but it should be fun with everyone tonight. I should get back to the city around six so just meet me over there with everyone.”

“Sounds good, see you tonight.”

“I love you.”

“Mhm. Bye.”

She hung up her phone and her attention went back to the boys in front of her. “What time are we supposed to be there?”

“Five.”

“I’m going early to help Clarke so I will meet you guys there.”

**Clarkes POV**

She looked at the cook book in front of her and the ingredients on the table to make sure she had everything she needed. She began measuring everything out, days like today she wished she had pursued medical school. You didn’t have space in your head to think about anything but the task in front of you.

Her art, all it was based on were emotions and her emotions were crazy at this moment. She replayed her fight with Lexa over and over again.

She knows she messed up, she let her damn emotions get the best of her when she tried to kiss her, it felt so right though. She heard Lexas gasp in her head over and over again, she could have sworn Lexa wanted her to do it.

_“I can’t want you too.”_

Did that mean something? It felt like it did, she shook her head and again focused back on the task in front of her. She just needed her space, and she would get over this. Over her, with her amazing eyes, hair, lips, body. She bit her lip just thinking about it.

But to try and set her up with someone else the nerve Lexa had. She didn’t need help finding someone else, if she wanted to be with someone else she would be. She began slamming the dough down extra hard, more than necessary when she realized her bracelet was no longer on her wrist.

She dropped the bread to the counter and began walking around her room, she searched all over the floor, checked her bag, and even went through her laundry to shake out the clothes she had worn the night before. It was gone.

She sat on her floor and felt tears building in her eyes, she had lost it already just like she had lost what it represented. She heard the sound of the apartment door opening and quickly wiped her eyes.

Why was Luna back so early? She looked at the time and saw it was three, Luna wasn’t supposed to be back for hours, but she didn’t care enough to go check, she didn’t want to see her, it would be a reminder of what she almost did and what she couldn’t have.

She got up and laid on her bed, she had time for a quick nap, maybe sleep would help her get out of her mind. There was a knock on her door but maybe she could pretend to not be here and Luna would go away.

She closed her eyes, when she heard her door open she kept them closed, maybe Luna would think she was already asleep. When she felt a weight on her bed she had enough and she sat up quickly.

“Fucks sake Clarke! You scared me!”

Her eyes widened when she saw it was Lexa instead of Luna.

“Lexa? What are you doing here? How did you even get in?

As an answer Lexa just waved her keys. Right Luna gave her a key.

“Well what do you want?” She felt her anger rising again, Lexa had no right to show up out of nowhere, not when she wasn’t wanted.

“I’m sorry.”

She was ready to yell at her again but the apology took her by surprise. She didn’t know what to say. Lexa took her silence as an approval to keep talking.

“I freaked out, I know I did. It was just a moment yesterday.  I felt guilty, and I thought if you had a girlfriend too then we would go back to how we were. I got scared that I would lose you so I tried to push you and that was wrong.”

Lexa waited for her to say something but she was trying to process, and the only thing in her mind was one question.

“Why didn’t you give me Niylahs number the first time she tried to give it to me? Answer this time, no weakness crap.”

Lexa looked at her a moment before saying anything. She looked down and began touching the ends of her hair.

“Lexa?”

Lexa looked up and took a deep breath, sitting up straighter.

“I was jealous.”

Clarke just shook her head, she didn’t understand.

“But why?”

Lexa just looked at her and shrugged her shoulders, “It doesn’t make sense, you’re just…..” Lexa looked away from her and back quickly. “You’re my Clarke.”

“What does that mean?”

“I need you…. As a friend.”

The word friend hurt for a moment, friendship sounded wrong when describing them, it felt like so much more to her and it seemed like Lexa felt the same way.

“Do you have feelings for me?”

“Clarke.”

“Answer my question.”

She needed to know, she needed to know this wasn’t all in her head.

“I can’t.”

She just stared at her, why wouldn’t she tell her?

“Say it.”

Lexa just shook her head and bit her lip, Clarkes eyes followed her lips. When Lexa released it she leaned closer, moving a hand to behind Lexas neck.    

“Do you want me?”

Lexa didn’t say anything but she didn’t move away either. She pressed a kiss to Lexas cheek, and pulled away, Lexa had her eyes closed. She moved her mouth to her ear.

“I think you do, I want you Lex. All of you.”

Lexa just shook her head eyes staying closed, she was breathing in deeply through her nose.

Clarke moved her hands to run up and down Lexas sides, she moved forward more and pressed a kiss on Lexas neck.

Lexa jerked up and stood next the bed. She looked up at her waiting to see what she would do.

“I need my best friend, that’s what I want okay? That’s what matters most because I’ve never had this kind of connection with someone Clarke. Please don’t make me give you up. I need you, I have luna and she does everything she can for me. Even if I felt something for you I have her. So please don’t make me choose.”

Clarke watched her and could see the distress on her face, the shaking of her hands. She stood up and took both of Lexas hands in hers.

“I rather have you in my life in some way than none at all. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have did what I just did, I was mad at you still and trying to push you. It was wrong. If you need a friend then that’s what I will be. But don’t try and change the way I feel. I won’t pursue you Lexa.”

Lexa just nodded in response.

“Are we okay?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, now come help me make this damn dinner, I only stared because I was mad at you anyway.

**Lexas POV**

Clarke walked out of the room and towards the kitchen, she stood there a few moments breathing in and out trying to calm her heart.

She ran her hand along the spot on her neck where Clarkes lips had been. She shouldn’t have let her do that. She had felt it in her entire body. She couldn’t let her do anything like that again, stopping her would only get harder and harder.

She walked out of the room not looking at Clarke before she walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind herself.

She slid down the door and felt tears begin running down her face. She was so confused.

She must have been in there longer than she thought because the door was opening and Clarke was on the floor too, pulling her into her arms.

“Lex, I’m sorry, please don’t cry. I shouldn’t put you in this kind of situation, its shit of me.”

She shook her head, it wasn’t Clarkes fault she has been in this situation since the moment Clarke came up to her at the bar, she was just realizing it now. She rubbed her eyes and pulled herself up.

“Okay, I’m okay.” She wasn’t but she had to be so she would force herself to be, it wasn’t the first time.

“Lexa?”

She shook her head.

“What are we making?”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably crap and I didn't feel like going over it before posting if I'. being honest so excuse any mistakes. I hope everyone enjoys their weekends <3

**Lexas POV**

She watched in silence as Octavia, Raven and Clarke talked on the couch. Her eye flicking between whoever was speaking at each moment but not really hearing what they were saying. Her phone vibrated in her hand and she looked to see she had a new message from Luna.

Luna: Almost there, can’t wait to see you.

Lexa: I miss you.

Her finger froze on the send button. She didn’t mean it, not really. She had been kept busy with Clarke since Luna left and hadn’t really missed her at all, not in the way she knows she should have. She pressed send anyway, going through the motions.

There was a knock on the door and she stood up motioning that she would get it. She opened to see her brother whose smile dropped when he saw it was her.

“Nice to see you too.”

He shrugged his shoulders and tried to look behind her. She felt someone standing behind her and turned to see Clarke looking questioningly at her brother.

“Hello, can I help you?”

“Lexa you didn’t tell her I was coming did you?”

She shrugged. “I forgot.”

He rolled his eyes and lightly pushed her to the side and extended his hand to Clarke.

“I’m Roan, Lexas brother.”

Clarke turned fast and looked at her. “You didn’t tell me you have a brother!”

She shrugged and looked at Roan for a second before closing the door in his face.

“He is easily forgettable.”

“Lexa!!!” She just laughed and opened the door again but before she could move Roan grabbed her and pulled her into the hallway. She yelped as he wrapped an arm around her waist and gently threw her to the ground. Soft enough to not actually hurt her but her breath still got knocked out of her for a second.

“Say sorry brat.” He stood above her one leg on either side of her legs.

She looked over to see Clarke staring wide eyed at the exchange happening in front of her. Raven and Octavia stood behind her looking very confused.

She just smiled and took her aim. The next second Roan was lying on the ground next to her. He groaned and his face turned red. “Low blow Lex, low blow.”

Lincoln chose that moment to appear in the hallway, “Seriously already Roan?”

Roan just lifted his middle finger towards Lincoln who chuckled and walked over them. She sat up and patted Roan on his shoulder before helping him up and everyone went back in.

She let Roan take her place on the couch and sat in front of his legs while introducing everyone to him. Ravens eyes kept going between the both of them.

“You guys don’t look alike. I mean don’t get me wrong, both very hot but I’m not seeing much resemblance.”

“Raven!”

“What, we were all thinking it!”

Lexa looked at Clarkes mad face and smiled lightly. “It’s okay, we get that a lot.”

She looked at Roan and nodded for him to speak.

“We are half siblings, same biological father. He had me with my biological mother Nia, who lets just say kind of lost it. When he left her he took me with him and then he met mom, Lexas biological mom but she raised me as her own too. We are all actually really close.”

Lexa nodded her head, they were, she loved her brother and mother they grew closer after her fathers death but since Costia…. She shook the thought from her mind.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to see Clarke watching her with a question in her eyes, she shook her head and gave a small smile to reassure her that she was okay. Clarke nodded in response and moved her hand away.

Lexa looked at Roan and saw that he was looking between her and Clarke. She elbowed his leg and shook her head. He knew her, he knew her too well.

There was the sound of the door being unlocked and everyone turned to see Luna walking in. “Guess who I found downstairs?”

A tan man walked in and stood behind her smiling.

“Bellamy!” Octavia jumped up and ran to him and threw her arms around his neck.

Bellamy? She watched as Luna smiled at him the way that was reserved for her. Right. The super hot older brother. She studied him for a moment and shrugged to herself, she couldn’t see it but it was obvious to her that Luna did.

When Luna turned her attention away from Bellamy her eyes lit up brighter and made Lexa lose her breathe for a moment. She saw the love, she felt it to her core, how could Luna show so much with one look? How was that even possible? What could she do to feel the same way?

When Luna walked towards where she was sitting on the floor she opened her arms to her and Luna sat directly in her lap pressing a kiss to her lips. It felt comfortable, she didn’t have that spark from her almost kiss with Clarke but that isn’t something that lasts, was it?

She had never felt that spark with Luna, but this feeling, it was nice too. She nuzzled her nose into Lunas neck breathing her in, it was all so familiar. She looked to the side and saw Clarke watching their exchange and quickly dropped her arms from around Luna and poked her side signaling for her to get up. Luna looked at her and frowned, before moving to sit on the other side of her.

Clarke didn’t stop looking she felt a tug on her heart and tried to ignore it but she knew, if it was reversed seeing Clarke like that with someone would have hurt her. She reached over and squeezed Clarkes hand reassuringly. Clarke snatched her hand away and took a deep breath in and glared at her for a second before she closed her eyes. Lexa just watched as she seemed to calme herself. She opened her eyes and just nodded her head at her before turning away.

**Clarkes POV**

She thought it was bad before seeing Lexa and Luna so close to each other. It was worse now because after every intimate moment Lexa would now look at her to make sure she was okay. She knew Lexa was trying to be considerate but it made her more upset each time.

Luna stood behind Lexa at the counter now both arms on either side of her and pressed a kiss to Lexas neck, she could see Lexa close her eyes and tilt her head to the side giving her more access before her eyes shot open and she pushed her away looking guilty.

“Lexa can you help me with something real quick?” Lexa looked at her questioningly pressing a hand to where Lunas lips had just been. She nodded and followed as she began walking towards her room. Clarke closed the door behind them.

“I need you to stop.”

Lexa looked at her guiltily. “I’m sorry, that’s just how she is, she’s affectionate Clarke.” She rolled her eyes at her.

“I have been around you and Luna since I met you guys, I know how she is, I need you stop looking at me like I’m a puppy repeatedly getting kicked Lexa. I’m okay stop doing that people are going to notice.”

Lexa nodded her head, “Sorry.” She just nodded in response and started walking towards the door but stopped when Lexa grabbed her hand. She looked at their hands questioningly and back to Lexas face who was also staring at their hands wondering how they had gotten like that. She let go a moment later before nodding and walking out of the door towards Luna.

She took a deep breathe in and headed back out ready to make sure everyone ate enough so she could start cleaning up.

After putting all of the food away she began wiping everything down while listening in on her friends conversation. She looked up and saw Raven explain something sciencey and Roan staring at her intently and then animatedly responding with the same kind of enthusiasm. She couldn’t figure out anything they were saying. Rocket science wasn’t her thing.

She focused in on the counter when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned and saw Bellamy smiling at her and offering to take the rag from her. She smiled thankfully at him and handed it over to him while she began to wipe dished down to put in the dish washer.

“Thanks for helping me surprise O.”       

She nodded her head. “She has missed you, longest business trip ever.”

“Yeah it was, but I’m back now so things should be back to normal.”

She smiled at him glad he would be back, she had missed him too.

“I’m sorry about Finn by the way, he was an idiot to let you go.”

She turned away from the dishes to look at him but she didn’t know what to say and he was a lot closer than she thought. He smiled at her and moved a stray blonde hair behind her ear before turning back to scrubbing down the counter.

She looked over at the group to see Luna watching her and sending her a wink. She just shook her head. That was weird.

A couple of hours later everyone began heading out, Lexa moved to say goodbye to Luna but she stopped her and insisted that she would spend the night. Lexa quickly sent her a look before nodding her head.

She watched as they made their way to Lunas room and closed the door behind them. She glared at the door for a moment before someones finger snapping in her face made her jump.

“Your jealousy is showing.”

Her eyes widened as Roan stood in front of her with a serious face.

“What?” She looked around to see everyone else was gone. “I’m not jealous.”

Roan rolled his eyes. “I may have just met you but I can tell with the way you look at my sister. She looks at you the same way.”

Her eyes widened at what he just said. “Roan don’t.”

He shrugged his shoulders, “I haven’t seen her look at someone the way she has looked at you tonight since Costia, not even Luna.”

Her heart began beating faster. “But she is stubborn, so good luck.”

“Are you encouraging me to go after your sister?”

“I didn’t say that. I better go, nice to meet you Clarke.”

**Lexas POV**

She walked out of Lunas room in a pair of pajamas. She made her way to the couch and grabbed the blanket. She heard a door open and smiled when she saw Clarke standing there.

“You are out here early.”

“Luna fell asleep fast.”

“You must have tired her out.”

“Clarke.”

Clarke shook her head. “I’m teasing.”

“Don’t.”

Clarke nodded and began closing the door, “You aren’t going to watch with me?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea right now Lex, goodnight.”

She felt her stomach drop as Clarke closed her bedroom door without giving her a chance to say anything. She asked for this and she would deal with it. She laid down, the couch had never felt so big before, she couldn’t remember ever sleeping out here on her own.

 

_She was laying on her back with her head on Costias lap as she played with her hair, her eyes closed. When she opened them she saw her brown eyes shining brightly at her with a sad smile on her face._

_She raised her hand and traced her jaw, this was perfect, everything she could ever want was right in front of her, but the closer she looked at her face the sadder it seemed._

_“What’s wrong baby?”_

_Costia leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead, the simple kiss sent shivers down her spine._

_“I want you to be happy Lexa.”_

_She furrowed her eyebrows and sat up pressing a kiss to Costias lips, but she moved back quickly with a serious face._

_She sighed and pushed Costias curls out of her face. “I’m happy as long as I’m with you.”_

_She stood up and began pacing back and forth, Lexa just stayed sitting and watched her girlfriend move about._

_“That’s the thing Lexa we aren’t together.”_

_She felt herself furrow her eyebrows in confusion, what was she talking about? Costia must have seen her confused expression and she waved her hands to the room around them. Lexa finally took in their surroundings, eyes focusing on the painting hanging on the wall and the closed bedroom doors._

_She looked at Costia and felt tears coming to her eyes, “You aren’t really here? You’re gone.”_

_Costia nodded, “I’m gone because of you.”_

_Lexa shook her head as tears began sliding down her cheeks. “One of them will be gone soon too because of you, its only a matter of time.” She had one hand pointing at each of the bedroom doors._

_“I won’t let anything happen to them, I will protect them.”_

_Costia laughed and it sounded nothing like the laugh she remembered, it was cold._

_Lexa felt herself jump when both doors began to be banged on loudly from the inside._

_“Lexa, Lexa, Lexa, help me!”_

_She stared between both doors frozen. What was happening? Costia walked to Lunas door and in a mimicking voice cried out for help too with an evil grin on her face._

_She covered her ears trying to drown out the noises, “What are you doing? Stop it!”_

_“They are hurting Lexa.”_

_“Stop hurting them!”_

_Costia walked up to her and grabbed her face with one hand and squeezed tightly. “I’m not the one hurting them it’s you.” She flinched from both the pain and her words._

_All of a sudden the room began to fill with smoke and she began coughing, Costia was gone but the screams intensified._

_She heard Costias voice in her head. You can only choose one._

_She was frozen she didn’t know what to do. She dropped to the floor between both bedroom doors, Luna and Clarkes face flashing in her mind as she heard their screams. She couldn’t move, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Please forgive me. She stood up and looked between the doors ready to choose._

“Lexa! Lex! Wake up!” She sat up quickly banging her head onto Clarkes. She felt the pain and it woke her up quicker. She looked up to the now standing blonde and jumped up and threw her arms around her.

“I’m so sorry.” Tears began streaming down her face as Clarke quickly began rubbing her back.

“Breath Lex, it’s okay it’s just a dream.”

“I’m sorry Clarke, I’m so sorry, I will fix this I promise.”

Clarke loosed her hold on her and took a step back to be able to look her in the eyes. She began wiping the tears away from her face.

“You aren’t making any sense baby.”

Lexas heart jumped at the term of endearment, and everything in her body told her to kiss the woman standing in front of her. But she wouldn’t.

Not like this, Clarke deserved better, and she would do her best to give it to her so instead she moved forward and pulled Clarke into her arms once again as the blonde tried to calm her down. If only she knew that her presence did just that.

She pictured Lunas face in her mind, she knew Luna, she was comfortable with her, but Luna deserved better than that. She deserved to have someone feel about her the way she felt about Clarke. She thought of the kisses they shared earlier and knew it wasn’t the spark she needed to keep herself alive anymore.

** A couple of hours earlier**

After the bedroom door closed she laid down on Lunas bed and stared at the ceiling. Luna climbed on top of her straddling her. She looked at Luna as she moved to kiss her. She kissed her a few moments before pulling away. If she really let herself she could enjoy it, she knew she could but she didn’t.

Luna looked at her with a puzzled face before going to kiss her neck the way she had earlier. But earlier when Lexa closed her eyes she had imagined it was Clarke and stopped her. She did the same thing again.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m not in the mood?”

Luna frowned and traced her hand along her jaw. “Why?”

“Luna just no okay?”

She saw the anger rise is Lunas eyes but it disappeared a moment later, Luna stood and changed into pajamas, handing her hers. They both changed in silence.

They laid back down with a space between that usually wasn’t there. “I booked the hotel for us for my birthday next month.”

She nodded her head. Right the trip to the Poconos, ski trip with Lunas family. They didn’t say anything after that, they didn’t touch, it felt awkward to lay in bed with Luna at this moment and she couldn’t take it. After fifteen minutes just laying that way she turned over and pulled Luna into her arms and began playing with her hair until she fell asleep.

Once she was asleep for a while she pressed a kiss to her forward before getting up and leaving the room. She took a deep breath on the other side of the door, her heart hurt for both of the girls in their rooms.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a flopping mess, enjoy.

**Lexas POV**

When she woke up in Clarkes bed the next morning she sat there and watched her for bit before moving forward and playing with her hair, combing her fingers through it. She lays so close to her it’s a miracle they aren’t touching anywhere else. She can sense when Clarke is starting to wake but she doesn’t move away.

When blue eyes open she can’t help but smile. But she stops when Clarke doesn’t return it.

“You shouldn’t have slept in here last night.”

She’s right, she knows she is, it’s not time for this, she has to talk to Luna. She has to figure out what she is going to do. She looks into the blue eyes and moves forward pressing there forheads together. She can’t help the smirk that comes to her lips when she hears her gasp.

“Lexa?” She closes her eyes enjoying the closeness.

“Clarke?

“Get away from me.”

Her eyes shoot open and she scoots back so quickly she almost falls off of the bed. Clarkes hand grabs her at the last second. But she stands up quickly standing awkwardly next to the bed hands clasped behind her back.

Clarke just sits up and watches her.

“You should go.”

She feels herself frown and the sting in her eyes.

“Clarke.”

“You cant do this you can’t push me away and pull me in again, I want to be your friend, I can’t lose you. But not yet Lexa, give me some time.”

“You want space from me?”

“Yes.”

“But Clarke….”

“No.”

She nodded and turned towards the door, she stopped with her hand on the door knob and looked over her shoulder. Her eyes met the blue she had been so happy to see only moments ago but now it only brought her pain.

She walked through the door closing it behind herself. Begging the tears not to fall from her eyes. She was going to tell her, she was going to tell her everything. She chose her she wanted her but was she too late?

Clarkes POV

Roan knew, everyone else would be able to figure it out soon enough, she couldn’t let that happen, she wouldn’t let that happen.

If that meant pushing Lexa away until her feelings went away so be it. There would be a day when she didn’t wish to know what her lips tasted like, if they were as soft as they looked. It wasn’t something she would ever figure it out. It wasn’t her place to. She laid in bed another hour before willing herself to get up.

Luna sat at the table swirling whatever was in her cup around. She walked over to her and sat across from her, reaching over and taking the cup from her. She took a sip and made a face. It was disgusting.

“What the hell kind of coffee is this?”

Luna gave her a small smile and shrugged her shoulders. “I’m not good at making coffee.”

“I’ve had your coffee before, its seriously good, you always leave me a cup in the morning.”

Luna shrugged her shoulders, “Lexa makes your coffee not me.”

Clarke felt herself deflate a little. Of course Lexa would. She looked over Lunas shoulder towards her room which was empty and towards the bathroom which was also empty.

“She isn’t here Clarke.”

Her eyes snapped back to Lunas. Luna was studying her she could feel it and she did her best to look as neutral as possible. Luna reached into her pocket and placed something on the table. Clarke looked down to see both bracelets on the table “She left before I woke up and these were on the table.”

Clarke didn’t know what to say so she just nodded her head and picked both bracelets up inspecting each charm.

“Why did she have these.”

“They are our friendship bracelets.”

She didn’t look up, she could feel Lunas eyes on her.

“Friendship bracelets?”

She just nodded her head.

“Clarke.”

She looked up then. “Why did she leave the bracelets?”

Clarke stood up and tried to walk to the bathroom but Luna moved faster and blocked her way.

“Luna move.”

“Clarke please just talk to me.”

She looked away guilt making her heart beat faster.

“She chose you Luna, that’s all that matters.”

Before she could say anything else she felt herself get slapped across the face. It happened so fast that the only thing that made her sure was that her cheek burned and she was looking at the wall instead of Luna.

She turned to see Lunas own shocked faced one hand covering her mouth.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry.”

Luna grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the kitchen. She didn’t know what to do so she allowed herself to be pulled. Luna let go and ran to the freezer grabbing something and pressing it to her face. She lifted her hand and pressed it herself so Luna would let go.

She sat at the table still in shock. She kind of deserved it. She thought about the things she had said and done to Lexa. She did deserve it.

“I’m sorry Luna.” Luna shook her head eyes watering.

“Did she cheat on me?”

“No! I told you, she wants you not me.”

“I’m not sure about that.”

“She has told me Luna, I told her I needed my space to get over her that’s why she left them here.”

“You like her?”

She just looked away.

“Since when?”

Clarke thought about it and it felt like she always did.

“The moment I saw her, before I realized she was your girlfriend.”

Luna let a tear fall. “She has that kind of effect.”

“She wants you.”

“I’m not too sure about that…… I know she doesn’t sleep with me. She thinks she’s sneaky but she isn’t. I know she goes to sleep on the couch. But recently she hasn’t been there Clarke she’s been with you.”

Clarkes eyes shot open at the confession. “She gets nightmares, I can help her.”

“I think she is going to leave me.”

“She won’t.”

Luna stood from the table and began walking to her room. “Don’t tell her I know. And Clarke I’m sorry I hit you.”

**Lexas POV**

When she got home she went straight to bed, glad to see that Roan was fast asleep on the couch. It would take an earthquake to wake him.

It took her a few moments to fall asleep. She couldn’t get Clarkes words out of her mind, she couldn’t get Lunas eyes out of it either. Whether Clarke would have her or not she knew she still needed to end things with her, for Luna and for herself.

When she wakes next the sun is high in the sky and she turns away from her window wishing  she could go back to sleep even though she wasn’t physically tired.

Her phone vibrates and she grabs it to make it stop.

Luna: You left me.

Lexa: I’m sorry, I needed to get out of there.

Luna: Why?

She thought about it for a moment and knew she needed to start telling the truth and what better time to start than right now?

Lexa: Clarke and I need some time apart, felt weird to be there.

Luna: Okay.

She furrowed her eyesbrows at that response. That’s it?

Lexa: Just okay?

Luna: You’re telling me the truth. Thank you.

She stares at her phone wondering if Luna knows, she sounds like she does. She opens another conversation to Clarke and types out her message pressing send.

Lexa: What did you tell Luna?

Clarke: There is nothing to tell.

She huffs and throws her phone across the room in a burst of anger. She regrets it instantly and goes to pick it up, but of course it seems to be broken. The screen is shattered half of it completely black.

She stands up and walks out into the livingroom to see Roan sitting on the couch using her laptop.

“What are you doing?”

He glances up at her and gives her a lopsided smile, “Looking for apartments.”

She nods her head and sits down next to him throwing out comments now and then. He looks at her a little too closely and closes the computer.

“Talk.”

She shrugs her shoulders and looks away.

“Lex, come on. Something is wrong, is it Clarke?”

Her head snaps to look at him and sees the smile he is trying hard to fight.

“Why would it be about Clarke?”

“Because I know my little sister. You’re in love with her aren’t you?”

Her eyes widened. She wasn’t in love, she couldn’t be. She had given her all to Costia, it was why she couldn’t do it for Luna. But she felt it  that feeling she used to get with Costia, she got it with Clarke. Did that mean she was in love with her? She didn’t say anything.

She felt Roan pat her shoulder lightly. “I think she is in love with you too.”

Her head snapped up, “She isn’t she doesn’t want me even near her anymore, I chose Luna over her, it hurt her.”

“But you don’t love Luna.”

“I do, I…. just not the way she loves me.”

“I know. Tell her, try and make things work with Clarke.”

“I will do what I must with Luna, Clarke I don’t think we are going to be good for each other not now, maybe not anytime soon.”

She looks at his face, he frowns at her and shakes his head.

“I get things were really bad after Costia…” She physically flinches when he says her name and she can tell he regrets saying it the moment he does.

“But you deserve to be happy Lexa. I think Clarke can be your happiness.”

She glares at him for a moment. “Clarke makes me happy yes, but I do not need her, as she does not need me. I can be happy without her.”

“Are you trying to convince me or yourself.”

She lets out a frustrated breath and walks back towards the door to her room. “Do me a favor and move out soon.” She glances over her shoulder. “Maybe you can stay with Raven.” She quickly closes her door behind herself before he can say anything else.

She can be happy without Clarke Griffin.

**Lunas POV**

She is on her phone lying in bed when the phone call comes in.

“Hey Dad, miss me already?”

She hears a gasp for breathe and sits up quickly.

“Daddy?”

“Aiden.” She hears a sob and is sitting up quickly.

“What happened? Where Aiden. Dad what happened to Aiden?!”

She looks up when her bedroom door slams open and Clarke is standing there looking alarmed. She feels tears rolling down her face.

“Dad!!”

“Come back home.”

The line goes dead and she just stares from her phone back to Clarke. What is happening? She runs around her room dumping her still full suitcase contents onto the floor and grabbing clothes out of her drawers to replace them.

She hears Clarke talking but its background noise, she can’t hear it she has to go home. Her brother something is wrong. But what?

She growls in frustration at the tears that won’t stop falling. Picking up her phone and trying to call her dad again but there is no answer.

“Fuck!”

“Luna what do you need?”

She spins and looks at Clarke, the blonde finally becoming clear.

“Ticket for the next train back home.”

Clarke nods and walks out. She comes back a moment later with her computer and sits on the floor as she paces the bedroom.

Her phone vibrates and she looks to see a message from her mom.

Momma: Aiden was riding his bike, drunk driver hit him. In hospital, come home.

She sits on her bed for a moment and just stares. When Clarke just looks at her she passes her phone for her to see.

“Aiden?”

“My ten year old brother.”

Clarkes nods in understanding. “Have you called Lexa? Maybe she can go with you.”

Luna laughs sarcastically. “Lexa never wanted to meet him.”

Clarke glares for a moment but she can tell it’s not at her. She stands and looks down at her. We leave in an hour for the train I will take you.

She sat on her bed staring at the wall for that hour, when Clarke came back and picked up her bag she followed her out of the apartment.

The cab to the train was fast. Clarke had her wait near the boarding area but when she heard name being called it wasn’t by Clarke. She turned to see the brunette standing beside with a bag of her own.

“Hi.”

She felt the tears spring to her eyes once again. She didn’t think she had any left.

“What are you doing here?”

Lexa shrugged and pulled her into a hug. “I wasn’t going to let you go alone no matter what I’m here for you.” Luna heard the last part she could feel what it meant but in this moment it didn’t matter. She needed Lexa, just Lexa no matter what was going to happen between them in the time to come.

“How?”

“Clarke got in contact with me through Lincoln….. I kind of broke my phone, so if you sent me any messages I didn’t get them.”

In that moment she realized she hadn’t, she hadn’t tried to get in contact with her. She was handling it without her.

**** Forty Five Minutes Earlier**

Lincoln slammed her door open making her jump.

“Where the fuck is your phone!?”

She glanced to her night stand where the shattered phone laid. Lincolns eyes followed hers and he glared at her.

“What’s wrong?”

“Lunas brother got in an accident.”

“What? Is he okay?”

“No! He’s not fucking okay!”

“Luna is about to head back home now.”

She grabbed her phone knowing it was broken but pressed the home button repeatedly.

“Damn it!”

“What time is her train?”

“Clarke didn’t say.”

“Give me your phone!”

She grabbed it as soon as he took it from his pocket unlocking it and dialing Lunas number right away, she growled when Luna didn’t pick up, she opted for calling Clarke instead.

She picked up on the first ring. “Lincoln?”

“No, what time is Lunas train?”

“9:15Pm. Why?”

“What do you mean why!?” She pulled the phone away from her ear and focused back in on Lincoln. “Get my computer, my wallet is on the table get me a ticket for 9:15.”

Lincoln nodded and walked out of her room. She put the phone back to her ear. “How is she? Her little brother means the world to her.”

“Not good…. So you are going?”

“Of course. Don’t sound so surprised.”

“She said you never wanted to meet him.” Lexa felt as if she was punched in the gut. Why was she so fucked up?

“I was wrong.”

“Meet me at the entrance to the station I’m taking Luna there.”

“Okay.”

**Clarkes POV**

She stood waiting to see Lexa get out of one of the many cabs. When she saw familiar brown hair and green eyes she ran towards her.

“She isn’t doing good Lexa, I’ve never her seen her like this.”

“I don’t understand what happened still.”

Clarke paused for a moment remembering Costia. “He was riding his bike, got hit by a drunk driver.”

Lexas eyes widened and she could see that Lexa for a moment wasn’t thinking about Aiden. She shook her quickly though her eyes gaining their focus.

She nodded her head and began walking away but turned quickly to look at her. “I’m here because she needs me…. Because I love her.” She felt the sting in her chest at hearing those words. “But Clarke, I choose you. We will talk when I get back.”

Before she could say anything Lexa was swallowed by the crowd.

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo sorry I haven't written in forever Grad school and Work are killing me but the story must go on.

**Lexas POV**

She stared out of the window as the world seemed to fly by, she turned her head and saw Luna picking at her fingers, one of her nervous habits. She reached out and grabbed her hand smoothing her fingers between her own. Luna looked at their hands gave her a small smile before pulling away.

“Lun?”

“You didn’t have to come.”

“I wanted to be here for you.”

“You should go back to her.”

Luna was staring at her challenging her to deny it, she could tell. She was never one to back down and Luna had never pushed her to until this very moment. She turned her head and began staring out the window.

“I’m sorry.”

She felt a hand on her chin forcing her to turn back.

“I knew you weren’t in love with me, I just wished you would be one day……… But I just want you to be happy. Does she make you happy?”

She felt tears coming to her eyes but Luna looked strong and determined more than she had in the time they had been together. She looked beautiful.

“It is not about her, I want what’s best for you, you deserve so much more Luna.”

Luna looked at her then with a sad smile. She leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “I do and so do you.”

They sat in silence for the rest of the ride but it wasn’t uncomfortable at all. Right before their stop she looked to Luna who was as always playing candy crush and she couldn’t hold in her laughter. Luna looked up confused.

“What’s so funny?”

“We just broke up and you are playing candy crush like nothing happened.”

She couldn’t stop the laughter from bubbling up even as tears began falling down her face, when Luna reached out to her she put her hand up to stop her. She took deep breathes in to try and calm herself.

“I’m okay honestly, just Luna I can’t lose you….. I do….. I mean… I love you.”

She watched as Lunas eyes widened, and she felt it in her more than ever, she loved her, no she wasn’t in love with her but she loved her the way she could.

Luna nodded and looked away biting her lip. “You won’t lose me…. I mean we can be friends?”

“I would really love that.”

They both stood as the train pulled in. They made their way to the parking lot where a tall man stepped out of a car before pulling Luna into a hug while completely sobbing. She didn’t know what to do so she just stood there. People were staring and it angered her, whenever she made eye contact with anyone she glared at them until the scuttled off with their heads down.

Lunas father pulled away and quickly wiped his eyes before giving her a huge smile and beckoning her forward. The smile didn’t reach his eyes but she did her best to make her returning smile reach hers.

She walked towards him and he quickly wrapped her in a hug. “It is great to finally meet you Lexa, Lunas infamous girlfriend.”

“Friend Dad… Lexa is just my friend.”

He pulled away and searched her face she offered a sad smile and nodded confirming what Luna had said.

He nodded his head and looked between them. “Friends.. okay.”

He grabbed her bag before she could protest gave her another small smile before grabbing Lunas and putting them  into the truck.

Luna climbed into the front seat while Lexa took the back realizing how awkward it might be for Luna to correct everyone upon her introduction for  the remainder of their visit, which she also realized she did not know how long that would be.

She stared out the window watching all the trees pass by lost in her own thoughts. She was single now, wasn’t she? Or was she automatically with Clarke? No probably not though it felt like it for a while now, she was Clarkes, she just hoped Clarke wanted to be hers too.

“How is he?” She tuned out of her own thoughts to listen in to what was happening up front.

She saw Lunas father shake his head sadly, Luna just nodded and stared out the window.

“He hasn’t woken up, doctors say if he doesn’t wake up by the end of the week we have to start thinking about our options.”

Luna continued to stare out of the window but was paying attention. Lexa moved forward as much as she could and reached for her hand, running her thumb along the back of her hand and giving it a squeeze as if she could transfer strength through touch.

“What are our options?”

She turned her head to see Luna father struggling to talk, he swallowed repeatedly as if trying not to let the words out.

“Organ donation, long term facility where he would stay connected to the machines the rest of his life. One of those.”

She felt Lunas hand begin to shake in her own and every instinct in her body told her to drag into the back with her and just hold her, whisper about nothing into her ear until she calmed down, but she couldn’t do that now. Could she?

*Clarkes POV*

She went back to her apartment and looked around unsure of what to do. She opened Lunas bedroom looking at the mess that was left behind in their rush. She began folding all of the clothes and putting them away. She picked up a photo of Lexa and just stared at it.

How could she just say she chose her and just leave? That is obviously not choosing her. But then she looked over and saw a picture of Lunas brother, and felt guilt stab through her. Lexa does what is right, if she has learned anything about her it is that.

She would never just leave Luna when she needed her most because…. She loved her. But she chose Clarke right?

She shook her head, she couldn’t just stay here or she would just sit in this apartment wondering what they were doing, was Lexa kissing her.. touching her?

Damn it Clarke, she knew they weren’t going there for that. She picked up her phone and went to Lexas name. Lexa may not get the texts until she got a new phone but she would get them eventually.

Clarke: I don’t understand. This is going to drive me crazy. You are driving me crazy.

She pressed send and stood up heading to her own room to begin packing.

She pressed the call button and waited for her mother to pick up.

“Hey baby girl, what’s up?”

“I’m coming home for a bit.”  There was a silence, her parents constantly nagged her to go home but now nothing?

“Mom?”

“Honey it isn’t really a great time.”

She felt her anger rising, “What do you mean it isn’t a great time? I’m not a visitor it is my home is it not?”

“Of course love, but dad and I have been busy lately we aren’t going to be available.”

“Lame excuse, I’m buying my bus ticket now, see you tomorrow.”

“Clarke wait!”

She hung up her phone and just looked at it, something was up her mom was being weird. She shrugged it off and stood up walking out of Lunas room and closing the door behind her.

She created a group message with her friends to let them know she was going to be going away for a while.

Clarke: Hey guys, going to visit my parents for a while just wanted to let you know for when I go MIA.

Octavia: Can’t handle Lexa being away?

Her eyes widened at the response, what was that supposed to mean?

Raven: Nope, princess doesn’t think we are enough anymore :/

Clarke: Shut up. I <3 you guys just want to go see my parents.

Lincoln: Have fun Clarke.

Bellamy: Aww I really wanted to see you.

She smiled at Bells text, he is such a dork.

3475555555 Added to conversation

Who is that?

(347)555-5555: Awww you don’t like me as much as you like my sister.

She rolled her of course it was Roan.

Clarke: Shut up I will be back before Luna and Lexa.

Clarke: Maybe next time Bell.

Bellamy: Counting on it ;)

Octavia: Ewww

She laughed out loud and rolled her eyes even though no one was there. She threw her phone on her bed as she began packing. It was a good thing she was going home, she needed to spend some time with her parents, get away from everything.

*Lexas POV*

They had driven straight to the hospital and spent the remainder of the evening there. She spent her time in the waiting room not going in to see Aden, it would feel weird if she were to meet him like that. But she was bored with definitely no phone so the time dragged whenever Luna was away from her.

She would have sat there for hours longer though when Luna walked into the room with tears streaming down her face saying visiting hours were over and her Mom was going to spend the night in the hospital.

Her father walked out silently headed straight for the exit. They followed silently behind him Luna occasionally sniffing. When they reached the car and Lunas tears hadn’t slowed down Lexa grabbed her hand and pulled her into the back of the car with her and just held her close doing her best to soothe her.

Lunas father stopped in the doorway of the house and looked at them both with tears in his own eyes. “I have to grab your mother some clothes to change into. You guys figure out sleeping arrangements yourselves.” Lexa nodded and he walked further into the house going straight to what she assumed was his bedroom.

Luna took in a deep breath and pulled her towards the stairs. They walked into her childhood bedroom and Lexa couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her. Everything was soooo UnLuna. The room was painted a really dark purple with black drapes. Posters of guys and girls covered in tattoos. All of her furniture was also dark.

Luna turned and looked at her curiously before taking in the room around herself too. She shrugged her shoulders and let out a laugh, “I was kind of Goth in high school.”

Lexa couldn’t help it she bent over laughing clutching her stomach and willing herself to breathe. “I’m okay, I’m not laughing.” She was laughing so hard tears were streaming down her face. Next thing she knew there was pillow being hit over head repeatedly and she tackled Luna down to the floor to stop the assault.

What she didn’t mean for was for Luna to fall onto the bed and for her to fall directly on her pressed together in ways that felt oh so familiar. She opened her eyes to see Luna watching her silently. She sat up quickly moving herself to the other side of the bed awkwardly.

Luna watched her as she fumbled with her hair. Luna punched her in the arm lightly making her look at her.

“Don’t be weird, we are friends, I’m not going to try and hit on you or anything.”

“I didn’t say you were going to.”

Luna rolled her eyes and looked around the room. “You can stay in here, I will sleep on the couch.”

Lexa stood blocking the doorway before Luna was even standing. “I am not kicking you out of your room.”

“You aren’t obviously I am offering, you didn’t have to come here Lexa, I appreciate that you are here, I mean come on I know you were bored as hell today.”

She wasn’t going to try and deny that but this was wrong. “The bed is big enough for both of us.”

“You won’t sleep with me.”

Her eyes widened. “What do you mean?”

“I mean you don’t sleep with me, you have always snuck off, I’m not dumb you know.”

She looked at the ground in shame. “I never thought you were dumb.”

“Did you cheat on me?”

Lexa eyes snapped up quickly and she shook her head as fast she could. “Luna I would never, I love you and you deserve so much more than that.”

Luna nodded her head. “I didn’t think you did but I just had to ask, I mean I let my girlfriend sleep with another girl constantly. I’m an idiot, so damn gullible.”

Lexa walked quickly to where Luna still sat and crouched down so they were face to face and held Lunas face in her hands to make sure she was looking at her. “Hey you are literally perfect; you are beautiful, smart, funny, and so kind, you have the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met, you came to me in a time in my life when I needed you most. I owe you so much and I plan on doing what I can to make it up to you. You deserve the world but I can’t give it to you. We don’t fit together the way we thought we would but Lun my puzzle isn’t complete without you.”

Before she could do anything, Luna leaned forward and their lips were pressed together in a soft kiss. It wasn’t a sad one though it was a goodbye to who they had been to each other before and a hello to who they would be from this moment on.

Luna pulled away and wiped a tear off of her face that she hadn’t known was there. “ I love you Alexandria Woods and if I could love you this much I can’t imagine how much I will love the person I am meant to be with.”

She gave her a sad smile, “I love you too. And I will totally be you wing woman in finding whoever that person is.”

Luna laughed and pulled her onto the bed beside her and they both laid down neither needing to say anything because they knew nothing needed to be said for them to understand the other, they were connected in a way Lexa had never realized and she was glad that she would get to explore this new side to them more. But before she could really finish her thoughts she drifted off to sleep.

*Clarkes POV*

She couldn’t understand her parents, neither had the time to pick her up from the bus so she had to take a cab, yet neither had any real excuse.

This little vacation wasn’t starting very well. She unlocked the front door to the house and took a few steps in when her mother came running down the stairs. If she was home why couldn’t she have picked her up!?

“What the hell mom?”

“Sweetie, we need to talk real quick.”

Her mothers eyes were swollen and her voice was cracking.

“Where is Dad?”

“Baby that is who we have to talk about.”

She dropped her bag on the floor and ran past her mother and up the stairs ignoring her mothers calls for her to hold on a moment and let her explain.

She threw open the door to her parents room and stood frozen. Instead of their king sized bed was a hospital bed, the entire room looked wrong. There were machines everywhere, but the worst thing of all was her father lying in bed with a sad smile on his face.

“Daddy?”

“Hey Princess, we have to talk.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I haven' t responded to comments in forever but from this chapter on you have my full attention. Hope to hear from you all <3


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Faster than usual!!! Enjoy loves <3

She opened the box looking at the new phone, wondering why she hadn’t connected it yet when Luna walked into the waiting room.

“Lex can you do me a favor?”

She looked up shoving the phone back into her bag and stood up.

“Food run?”

Luna shook her head. “The head doctor wants to talk to my parents and I want to be there but we really don’t want to leave Aiden alone. Would you mind sitting with him for a bit?”

She minded, but she couldn’t say that, could she? So instead she stood up and grabbed her bag nodding for Luna to show her the way. She hated hospitals this is where people came to die. Her dad went in and he never came out, no one comes out. She shook her head babies and their mother came out.

Luna stopped outside of the room and turned to look at her, “You don’t have to do anything just sit next to him. Talk if you want, you don’t have to though.”

She nodded her head and watched as Luna walked away down the hall. She took a deep breath in before stepping into the room. She looked around at all of the machines before actually looking at the body lying in the bed.

There was a seat very close to the bed and she knew she should sit but she couldn’t bring herself to be so close to Aden. So instead she walked over to the ledge of the window and sat down staring out. She went through her bag and took her phone out once again.

“What am I waiting for?”

She realized she had spoken out loud and looked over her shoulder to the young blonde boy connected to all of the machines. She sat there watching his chest rise and fall over and over again. She stood u and went to the chair and sat down. She studied his face.

“You don’t look much like your sister.”

She waited for a response but there was none.

“Not much of a talker huh?”

She laughed to herself lightly. A piece of Adens hair was in his face, it was going to drive her crazy.

“Can you hear me? Well if you can you are probably like who the hell is this girl and why is she talking to me. Well let me introduce myself I’m Lexa, Lunas ex-girlfriend and her friend as of recently.”

She heard a noise from the hall and turned around to see if the family was returning and if she had been caught talking to an unconscious child. She breathed a sigh of relief and turned back to him.

He looked so little, smaller than she thought he would be, then again she hadn’t thought much about him, funny how her life these past couple of days were all about him She kept staring at the piece of hair in his face.

She rolled her eyes at herself and reached forward to move it away when his eyes shot open. She jumped up so fast that the seat flipped and fell to the floor. When she looked at him again his eyes were closed. She didn’t imagine that right?

She moved closer to the bed and looked at him closely the breathing machine seemed to be sounding weird, and his eyes were clenched closed hard.

“Aden?”

Slowly one of his eyes opened and looked at her. She felt her own eyes widen and she ran out of the room the closest nurse.

“He is up!”

The nurse looked at her skeptically before slowly walking to the room. It took everything in her not to push her to move faster.

She waited in the hall as the nurse called a doctor who had the breathing tube removed. They motioned for her to come in and if it was anyone else but Lunas baby brother she would have run.

She walked in and stood next to Aden who was drinking some water.

“How you feeling kid?”

He just looked at her confused. She panicked for a moment and turned toward the doctor. “Oh my god does he have brain damage?”

Aden turned to her and glared at her. “Who are you?”

Oh right he didn’t know who she was. “Lunas friend Lexa.” His eyes brightened at hearing his sisters name.

“Where is my family?”

Lexa smacked herself on the forhead, she forgot to get them! She didn’t say anything but stood up and walked out of the room and walked down the hall she had seem them down. She found Luna on the floor tears streaming down her face.

She crouched in front of her and lifted her face up. Luna pulled her close and nuzzled into her neck. She held her for a moment before prying Lunas arms from around her.

“They don’t think he is going to wakeup.”

She gave her a bright smile and she would have found Lunas confused face more amusing if she had the time. She stood and pulled her to her feet and started dragging her towards his room.

Luna tried to pull away but she just tightened her grip and kept pulling.

“Lexa let go of me!” She saw people turn and stare at them but kept it moving until they were standing in front of his door.

She stopped and spun around glaring at Luna, “Shut up and go in.”

“What the fuck Lexa, you are being an ass, and not your normal level of ass either.”

She sighed loudly and turned and opened the door. She looked in to see the doctor and nurses still looking Aden over.

“Lexa?”

“Hey bud.”

Next thing she knew she was pushed out of the way when Luna barged into the room. Tears were streaming down her face once again but now she had a huge smile on her face.

“Aden! She ran to the bed and stopped before she jumped on him, took a deep breath and grabbed his hand instead.

“When did you get back?”

“Buddy I’ve been here for days. Five now.”

His face scrunched up looking adorably confused, that’s when she noticed how dry his lips were. They looked like they hurt. She reached into her bag and grabbed her chap stick before walking over to the two. She held it out to Aden and he just looked at it and then back to her so she put in Lunas hand instead.

“I’m going to go look for your parents.”

She walked to the door and before it could close behind her she heard Adens voice.

“Is she always that pretty?”

She laughed quietly to herself and walked down the hall going through her bag for phone and beginning to set it up.

*Clarkes POV*

“Clarke you can’t stay here.”

She threw herself down on his bed, “I’m not going anywhere,” for emphasis she wiggled around, getting a smile from him. He reached over and ruffled her hair.

“Seriously Clarke.” They had been going back and forth since she said she was moving back home. “Have you even spoken to your friends?”

She looked away then, she hadn’t told anyone and she didn’t plan to. She didn’t want to be that friend everyone felt bad for. It was shitty enough without having to reassure everyone else she was okay when it wasn’t about her. Lexa never tried to contact her anyway since she left. She got all her updates through Octavia.

“Clarke, you are going to need them.”

She shook her head and reached for his hand, “I don’t need them, I just need you.”

Her dad looked at her with a frown.

“You need to go.”

“Dad! I’m not just going to leave you like this.”

He sat up straighter, “Your mom has already basically her life to take care of me and I hate it. I definitely won’t have the same from you.”

“It isn’t your decision to make.”

“I don’t want you here.”

She looked at him with tears in her eyes and saw his eyes were stern. “You don’t mean that.”

He nodded his head. “I do, if things get worse we will call you.”

She shook her head no.

“Clarke.”

“Things were bad when I got here and you were keeping it a secret from me. Was mom just going to call me one day and say you didn’t know you were sick and just didn’t wake up one day? Could you do that? You would be okay with not spending every moment you could with me?”

She had tears streaming down her face now and she hadn’t breathed while talking and she began hyperventilating.

“Princess, breathe, please Clarke breathe.”

Her mom came rushing into the room and pulled her onto the floor and sat behind her wrapping her in her arms. She squeezed tightly.

“Listen to me baby, you need to breathe. Close your eyes and focus on me.” Her mother began to hum a song she used to sing to get her to sleep. She closed her eyes and a few minutes later she was breathing normally and the tears had stopped falling.

“This is why we wanted to keep this from you. You went through this with Wells we didn’t want you to have to do it again.”

She tried not to flinch at the name but she couldn’t help it and her shoulders dropped in defeat. She was weak.

She stood up not looking at either of her parents and walked down the stairs to the kitchen. She poured herself a glass of water. She looked at the water picked up the glass and threw it against the wall. Glass shattered everywhere. She opened the cabinet next to her and grabbed the vodka.

Her pone vibrated in her pocket and she pulled it out placing the alcohol down. Lexas name flashed across her screen.

Lexa: Lunas brother woke up! Everything looks good according to the doctors J

She looked at the message and all she felt was hate. It crossed her mind that she wished Lunas brother was gone if it meant her brother would be okay. It was a dark thought and she knew it but it didn’t make her wish it wasn’t true any less.

Her phone vibrated again.

Lexa: I miss you Clarke.

She turned the phone over so she wouldn’t have to look at it anymore. She opened the bottle and took three big gulps savoring the burn that went along with it.

She woke up the next morning in her own bed unsure oh how she had gotten there but her bag was packed at the foot of her bed along with a ticket for the bus. She sat up staring at it for a while. Her own father didn’t want her around in his last days. How was she supposed to take that?

She knew she hadn’t handled Wells death in a good way. She had spiraled but she was sixteen then, how are you supposed to handle your best friend dying out of nowhere at sixteen.

_She woke up with her mother holding her by her shoulders and shaking her. The shaking made her want to puke and that’s just what she did. Her mother held her hair back for her but said nothing. She was definitely in trouble._

_“What did you do?”_

_She looked into her mother face, her eyes were swollen. She reached forward and caressed her mothers cheek._

_“What’s wrong?”_

_Her eyes widened and she felt the first pang of a migrane._

_“Look at you Clarke.” She was confused she didn’t understand what her mother was talking about and why did her head hurt so bad?_

_She stood up slowly noting how wobbly her legs were and walked to the body length mirror in her room and gasped when she saw herself she looked like a complete mess._

_The last thing she remembered was being at Ethans house they were taking shots after shots, they had ended up in his room making out on his bed, the last thing she remembered was the feeling of his hands moving in her pants, making her feel better for the first time in weeks._

_She started walking to the bathroom to clean herself up hoping her mother wouldn’t follow but of course she was wrong. “Clarke you can’t keep doing this. You don’t think I know you are sneaking out and drinking!? You are sixteen. Are you even using protection?”_

_She looked away from her mother then, she used it sometimes but when she was that drunk it didn’t cross her mind too often._

_Her mothers look changed from sadness to anger and she grabbed her by the arm and began dragging her out into the hall._

_“What are you doing!?”_

_Her mother spun around scaring her. “I refuse to let you live like this. Do you understand me? You are a child Clarke. MY CHILD!” She felt the tears spring to her eyes as she nodded her head. Her mother was right. Her mother let go and opened the front door and pointed to where her car sat._

_Clarke walked towards the car and got in closing her eyes as her mother made her way to the drivers side. She laid her head against the window and let the tears fall. What has she been doing?_

She stood up and went to the bathroom to see herself in the mirror, her eyes looked gone. She was looking at herself but it was almost like no one was looking back. She had her dads eyes. She shut them quickly and splashed water onto her face before going to change her clothes.

She began walking towards the door to leave with her bag in her hand when she heard her father call to her. She turned and looked toward the stairs deciding whether to go up or not.

She put her bag down and began walking. Her dad sat up in his bed looking better than he had in her time home. He waved her over and she stood next to him.

He took her hand in his and looked at her for a moment. She tried to remember every little line on his face, she stared into the eyes that looked just like hers.

“I love you Clarke, you may hate me for this right now but I need you to be okay, that is my number one priority.” He reached up and brushed her hair out of her face. “You will always be my baby girl, I would do anything for you.”

“Don’t push me away.”

He looked at her with sad eyes and pulled her into his lap where her tears sprang free. He rubbed her back until she calmed down enough to pull herself away.

“You need to take care of yourself, me and your mom know how you are. We just want you to be okay. Can you try for me? Don’t shut your friends out okay? Things could get better still.”

She nodded her head and stood up. Bending down to press a kiss to her fathers cheek. She turned away before she could try and fight to stay again.

She walked down the stairs to see her mom standing at the door. She turned when she heard her coming.

She had a sad smile on her face. “I will keep you updated I promise, facetime and call whenever baby, we just want you to keep living your life, be the amazing girl we raised you to be.”

She didn’t say anything but just walked out of her home without looking back. She took out her phone and went to the contact she never thought she would use again.

Clarke: When can you come over?


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters will be coming faster in the next few weeks thanks to a break in school. I just wanted to thank everyone who has stuck with me and has left comments I really appreciate it. Let me know what you think of this. <3  
> Ps- Sometimes I need a push to write and need some general ideas soooo here is my Tumblr   
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/beingabbyx3  
>  Give me a push when you think I need it or for any questions you may have

She was pissed by the time she got home and had yet to receive a reply. She tossed her phone around in her hand as she laid back on her bed. She sighed and went to her messages with Lexa.

Clarke: When will you be home?

Her phone vibrated almost instantly.

Lexa: We want to make sure Aden is good before we leave.

She stares extra hard at the word We. We referring to her and Luna because it felt like it would never refer to Lexa and herself.

If Lexa really chose her then why didn’t it feel like it? Why was she the one left alone? Why did Luna get Lexa and her brother while she got nothing?

She sat up and put her jacket back on she couldn’t just sit here and wait for her. She wouldn’t.

She found herself walking away from her home and towards the little coffee shop. She walked straight in and sat down, she stared at the people passing by wondering if any of them were as broken as she felt. Can you tell when someone is losing their mind or is it only something you feel in yourself?

“Clarke.”

She looked up at the sound of her name to see Niylah standing above her with a shy smile. She was very pretty, she looked her up and down eyes pausing on Niylahs fingers. She gulped loudly and looked back up to her face.

“Hey Niylah.”

She looked nervous in a cute way. “Do you have a break soon?”

Niylah looked around and shrugged her shoulders. “Give me your order so I can put it in and I can sit for a bit.” She nodded her head and ordered the chocolate chip banana pancakes. Niylah walked off but was back only a moment later before sitting across from her.

“Your friend was here about a week ago. Brunette, long hair, green eyes, looks like a model.”

Clarke tried not wince at the mention of her. “Lexa.”

Niylah nodded and looked away awkwardly.

“She gave me your number.”

Niylah nerves seemed to disappear a flirty smile taking hold of her face. “You haven’t called.”

Clarke shrugged her shoulders and reached across the table to grab Niylahs hand, running her fingers up and down her palm. “I have been away, I’m back now though.”

She looked up to see Niylah watching her play with her hand. “You are more forward than I thought you would be.”

“We only live once.”

Niylah burst out laughing then catching her by surprise.

“What?”

“Did you really just YOLO me?”

Clarke smiled lightly, “I guess I did.”

A customer called for a refill and Niylah stood up, “Back to work I go.”

She turned to walk away but before she could Clarke grabbed her wrist and smiled up at her.

“What time do you get off?”

Niylah stared at her for a moment.

“Are you going to get me in trouble?”

“There is nothing wrong with being a little bad.”

Niylahs eyes widened and Clarke could swear she heard her gasp.

“Five.”

Clarke let go of her wrist smiling as big as she could. “See you then.”

“Are you going to wait for me?”

She felt as if those words were a punch to her gut and Lexas face flashed in her mind but she shook her out. Lexa wasn’t here, Lexa left her.

“I will pick you up.”

Her phone vibrated on the table.

Finn: When do you want me to be there?

Clarke: Maybe 2mm.

**Lexas POV**

“Please Lexa.”

She looked up from her phone wishing it would vibrate, Aden had a small pout on his face. She rolled her eyes and passed her phone to him.

She tried to glare at him but he was too cute with his face full of concentration, so she just stood up and ruffled his hair earning a grunt.

“Wait Lex, where you going?” She turned and tried to give him an assuring smile, he had gotten attached to her in the last few days but she didn’t mind.

“Going to figure out where your sister ran off to I’m starving.”

He nodded and focused back on the phone in his hands.

She walked into the hall and saw Luna talking on her phone back facing her.

“What do you mean she isn’t talking to anyone? No I haven’t spoken to her. Yes I will ask. Okay see you soon O.”

When Luna turned she jumped. Lexa smiled and stuck her tongue out.

“Scardy cat. What was the phone call about?”

Luna looked nervous which only made her heart beat faster. Something wasn’t right.

“Have you spoken to Clarke?”

“Not really.” She felt panic rise, her hands began to shake. This couldn’t happen again, she couldn’t lose Clarke too. “What’s wrong, is she okay?”

Luna grabbed her face between her hands. “Breathe Lex, she is okay she has just been avoiding everyone, O just called to see if she has been giving us the same kind of treatment.”

Lexa nodded taking a deep breathe. “She has been avoiding me too. I thought..” She looked away from Luna before speaking again. “ I thought she might just be mad for the way I just left her.”

Luna nodded and looked away awkwardly. “Try talking to her, everyone over there is worried.”

Luna began walking toward Adens door but she grabbed her hand. “When are we going back?”

She looked back at her with a sad smile. “I don’t know if I want to go back Lex, I went there for you remember?”

Lexa felt her stomach drop, she never considered not coming home with her. The idea brought tears to her eyes and she looked away trying to make sure she wouldn’t see. That wouldn’t be fair to her. The last almost two weeks with Luna had been amazing learning to be friends again. She didn’t want to lose it.

Luna smiled at her lightly and pressed a kiss to her forhead. “I’m still thinking about it.”

“Don’t come back for me, come back for yourself, I know you came for me, but you have a good life there too, you will miss our friends if you stay here.”

Luna nodded her head. “I would still miss you most of all.”

“Me too.”

Luna rolled her eyes at that and she couldn’t help but let out a small laugh. “I mean if you were to stay here I would really miss you.”

Luna lifted a bag Lexa hadn’t even noticed. “You just want me to feed you.”

She smiled and nodded following Luna into the room.

Aden looked up from her phone and gave them both big smiles. He passed Lexa her phone and motioned that she would be right back.

She stepped into the hall and clicked the name deciding that texts weren’t enough. She wasn’t surprised when it went straight to voicemail.

“Clarke…. Look I’m worried about you and I really miss you. I’m going to be coming home soon, I hope I speak to you before then but when I do go I’m going straight to see you. We have to figure out what we are doing here. I…. I want you Clarke and I mean it. I think you want me too. Call me please.”

She hung up her phone and stared at it hoping it would ring but of course it didn’t, she wasn’t that lucky.

**Four Days Later**

“Lexa you have been here long enough, I know you can’t cancel on another job.”

Luna sat on her bed packing Lexas clothes for her but for every item she put in Lexa took out. Luna huffed in frustration and glared at her.

“When are you coming back? Are you just going to get your stuff or will you be staying?”

“I don’t know Lexa.”

She sat next to her bag on the bed pouting, no longer stopping Lunas packing.

“Change the face.”

Lexa turned so Luna had to look at her more fully, “No.”

Luna laughed and shoved her shoulder, “You are annoying.”

“Yeah but you love me anyway.” Luna looked at her with sad eyes for a moment and seemed to be lost in thought.

“Are you going to tell everyone?”

“Tell them what?”

Luna rolled her eyes and sat down. “Are you going to tell them we broke up?”

“Do you not want me to?”

Luna shook her head, “You should, if you are going to be with Clarke they should know.”

“Luna…..” Was she hurting her? They hadn’t talked much about Clarke the entire time they were there. Clarke had never called her back and it hurt. But she wanted to be with her, she felt it in her heart. That is who she was meant to be with.

“I will be okay…. I think I need to stay here a day or two without you here to figure out what I need and want.”

Lexa nodded her head and Luna zipped up her bag and handed it to her. “Come on let me drive you before you miss your train.”

The drive to the train was faster than she wanted it to be and it was time to say goodbye. She pulled Luna in close breathing her in. This may be one of the last times it would be just them and easy, no stress or awkwardness from their break up. “I love you Luna.”

Luna nuzzled into her neck and she felt her warm breath on her neck as Luna let out a sigh. “I love you too Lexa.”

**Hours later**

She stood outside of the door her bag slung over her shoulder unsure of what to do. She had called to let Clarke know she was coming when she got off the train but as every other day this week there was no answer. She went into her pocket and took out her keys placing the one Luna had given to her into the lock.

The Livingroom was dark and she fumbled around for the light switch, the pouring rain outside and clouds didn’t help to light the room. When she was able to adjust to the light she placed her bag down on the floor and walked deeper in. She noticed the empty bottle of liquor near the garbage, it looked like way too much for just one person to have consumed even in the amount of time she and Luna had been gone.

Her head snapped up at a sound coming from Clarkes room. As soon as she heard it it was gone. She began walking towards the room, maybe Clarke was sleeping. Her nerves got the better of her and she backed away from the door.

She dug out her phone from her pocket and began calling clarkes number. She heard it begin ringing on the other side of the door. Along with what sounded like Clarke muttering, “Shit,” before it was silenced and she was sent straight to voicemail.

She felt anger rise and it gave her the confidence she needed to take another step forward and turn the knob of Clarkes bedroom opening it and taking a step inside.

All of the air went out of her lungs and the force of the pain caused her to take a step back so that she was leaning on the doorway for physical support.

Clarke was in bed with someone, fingers scratching down their back leaving red marks, their face buried into her chest as Clarke panted beneath the other woman. She couldn’t move, couldn’t look away she was paralyzed.

She heard what sounded like a whimper and didn’t realize it had come from her until Clarkes eyes snapped open and connected with her own, blue eyes darker than she had ever seen. For a moment neither did anything, Clarkes eyes began to look bluer in the seconds they stared at eachother.

The woman noticed the lack of response from Clarke and must have turned to see what was wrong when she spotted her standing there.

“Oh my god Lexa!”

Niylah rolled off of Clarke and hid under the covers.

Hearing her name snapped her out of her shock and she felt the tears coming. She turned and slammed the door closed behind herself. She took in a deep breath and half ran to the other door slamming the apartment door closed behind herself.

Running down the stairs was a blur to her. But she didn’t make it far. She sat on the steps to the entrance of the building letting the rain wash down on her. She sat there for a few moments her mind blank, she came back for Clarke and Clarke was with Niylah, she practically gift wrapped Niylah and delivered her to Clarke weeks ago.

She felt that her face was soaked and she was shivering, every part of her was shaking, she couldn’t tell if it was from the rain or not and she honestly didn’t want to know.

Her phone began to vibrate and she couldn’t look at it, what if it wasn’t her? Maybe even worse what if it was?

She stood up and began walking away from the building when she heard the door open and saw Niylah walking out. She walked faster wanting to get away from them both.

She should have taken the train or a cab home but she walked the entire way in the rain, she would regret that soon enough.

**Clarkes POV**

**30 Minutes earlier**

She took a shot when Niylah texted she was ten minutes away and went to the bathroom to brush her teeth. Her phone began vibrating and she saw it was Lexa again. She had called her everyday and left messages, none of which she had listened to. The more sober she was the more she wanted to answer, she shook her head and grabbed the bottle again takin a shot straight from it. Choosing to opt for a mint after this one.

When Niylah knocked on her door she wasted no time, she pulled her in for a kiss and pressed her against the door biting her lower lip until she heard a groan, she couldn’t tell if it was from pleasure or pain and since Niylah didn’t stop her she was too far gone to care.

She pulled back for a moment, “Hi.”

“Hello to you too Clarke.”

Niylah gave her a shy smile, they had been doing this for the past few days and it was exactly what she needed.

She took Niylahs coat off and hung it up before giving her a smile and grabbing her hand and pulling her towards her bedroom.

Niylah simply watched her as she undressed herself and when she removed her bra and Niylahs eyes darkened she couldn’t hold back anymore, she moved towards Niylah and took her hand in hers. Pulling them towards the bed until Niylah was lying half on top of her. She held onto her hand still while using the other to pull her face closer to kiss her roughly.

She wrapped a leg around her pulling her in closer, grinding into her trying to get herself off. It wasn’t working she growled frustrated and began tugging on Lunas shirt trying to get it off. Luna sat up helping her along.

“All of it.”

Niylah nodded at the command and stood up removing every piece of clothing standing before her as if she had won a prize. She growled again pulling Niylah down and climbing on top of her going straight for her neck biting and nibbling her way down knowing her bites must of caused more pain than pleasure.

She pulled a nipple into her mouth alternating in how hard she sucked making Niylah moan. She moved back up pressing a kiss to her lips. She pulled away and grabbed Niylahs hand and pulled them so she was once again on top of her.

She took two of Niylahs fingers into her mouth sucking on them softly as she watched in awe.  She took them out of her mouth but held onto them as she licked them up and down before spreading her own legs and putting them inside of herself. She closed her eyes as she began moving her hips onto them only releasing Niylahs hands when she began thrusting them in and out on her own.

She closed her eyes and moan when Niylah began pressing kisses to her chest, swirling her tongue around her nipples. She felt close to release when her phone ringing broke her concentration.

“Shit!”

She reached over to the nightstand quickly grabbing it to turn it off grateful that Niylah had not stopped either of her movements. She saw Lexas name before it turned off and she froze in her movements for just a moment picturing those green eyes but she couldn’t think about her not right now not without needing another drink so she tossed her phone and closed her eyes focusing on the feelings Niylah was causing her.

She felt close once again and began scratching up and down Niylahs back biting her own tongue findng it harder and harder to breathe when she heard a sound she was sure hadn’t come from her. Her eyes snapped open to find Lexa leaning against the doorway with a look she had never seen on her face.

Lexa was here. She was frozen staring into those green eyes, no longer moving to bring her climax which moments ago felt so close. Niylah sensed something had changed and looked up to see what had happened.

“Oh my god Lexa!”

She felt Niylah get off of her in an instant but then Lexa was running slamming the door closed. Lexa was there, Lexa had seen her.

She sat up and began throwing her clothes on tossing Niylah her clothes as well. Niylah watched her but seemed to get the clue after a moment and began getting dressed. When they were both dressed Clarke grabbed her phone turned it on and called Lexa.

She didn’t know what she was going to say but the burning in her stomach told her she had to do something just not what. There was no answer and she began rubbing her hands over her face. She looked up to see Niylah watching her.

“I thought she was just your friend.”

Clarke ignored her and opened the door for her to get out.

“Will you call me?”

Was she serious right now? They were nothing. She glared at her for a moment before relaxing her face to look neutral.

“Most likely not.”

Niylah narrowed her eyes but just nodded her head before heading down the stairs.

Clarke went and sat on the couch and that’s when she noticed Lexas bag on the floor. She picked it up and opened it. Taking out one of Lexas hoodies and bringing it to her face to breathe it in before placing it on the couch and closing the bag back up.

She stood up grabbing her own coat and throwing the bag over her shoulder. She began walking to the door but turned back grabbing the bottle and drinking another shot relishing in the burn that it sent down her throat.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter had soooo many comments guys. It was honestly amazing even though you guys were mostly freaking out. Thank you for giving this story a chance. You are all amazing.

**Roans POV**

He tried to watch the television, he really did but he had no idea what was happening, a tiny girl and man were fighting on the screen it seemed obvious as to who would win.

“No!!”

He would never admit that she startled him, he looked back towards the screen to see the girl on the ground and the man standing above her.

“Well what did you expect, she is tiny compared to him?”

Ravens head whipped to look at him so quickly it took him by surprise.

“She is small but she is strong.” He went to roll his eyes at her but she had turned back to the screen. He just continued to look at her, when she stood up and started cheering he looked at the television to see the girl throwing a spear at a woman’s chest instead of the man on the floor at her feet.

Raven turned to smile at him and gloat but he grabbed her hand instead standing to pull her closer. Her brown eyes, felt as if they showed him the world. He had never seen someone so beautiful.  He gave her a moment to pull away, to say no but she didn’t.

She looked at him as if she was waiting and with the raise of an eyebrow she seemed to be growing impatient. He couldn’t help the smile that came to his lips as he moved in closer, nudging her nose with his, her eyes were now closed.

He couldn’t wait any longer, having her this close and being the only thing holding himself back was torture. So he closed the distance and pressed their lips together.  Still holding her hand he used the other to wrap around her waist and pull her in impossibly closer.

He could not help the moan that escaped him, and if feeling her smile against his lips meant anything he knew he was going to get made fun of in a few seconds.

She would have he was sure if whoever was on the other side of the door did not begin banging incessantly.

They both pulled away from each other at the same time.

“Lexa please open the door!”

Ravens face showed the same confusion he was sure could be found on his.

“That’s Clarke.”

Roan nodded and before he could say anything Raven was walking towards the door and opening it. His eyes widened as Clarke stumbled into the apartment.

“Where is she?”

He watched as Raven closed the door and crossed her arms.

“I think the real question is where the hell have you been Clarke?”                                                                     her

Clarke spun around eyes widening as if she hadn’t noticed Raven had been the one to answer the door.

“Where is she?”

Clarke looked half mad, he couldn’t tell if she was going to cry or freak out on Raven so he walked to stand in between them. He should have known Raven wouldn’t allow that. The moment he stepped in front of her she stepped in front of him taking a moment to glare at him over her shoulder. He put his hands up in surrender.

“Where have you been Clarke?”

“This is not the time, I need to talk to Lexa, I….. She wasn’t supposed to find out.”

Roan took a closer look at her, her eyes were blood shot, it did not seem to be from just crying with the way she held onto the counter to steady herself.

“You’re drunk.”

Clarke shook her head, but didn’t let go of the counter.  Roan walked forward standing so close to Raven they were touching.

“What did you do to my sister?”

Clarke shook her head and tears began falling, it only angered him. “Where is she Clarke?”

Raven turned around and glared at him. “Back off Roan.”

He shook his head at her. “Where is my sister?”

Before Raven could say anything the apartment door was once again being opened, but now Lexa stood there in the doorway.

Lexa looked terrible, she looked broken. She looked around the room at everyone until her eyes landed on him. “Roan?”  Her voice cracked saying his name and it took everything in him not to run to her. He watched her face and nodded in understanding.

He put his hand on Ravens shoulder until she gave him her attention. He noticed Clarke take a step towards Lexa and Lexa take a step back almost walking out of the apartment.

“Take Clarke home.”

Raven looked towards Lexa and he fought the urge to block her view to let anyone see his sister in such a way went against his every instinct. She looked into his face and nodded once stretching up to press a kiss to his cheek.

She turned around and walked towards Clarke while he turned and walked to Lexa who was leaning against the doorway. It looked as if it was the only thing holding he up. He reach out his hand to her and she took it. He led her towards her room and almost freaked out when Clarke took a step towards them.

“Lexa.” He felt Lexa squeeze his hand tighter, as if she were holding on for dear life. He pulled her in closer wrapping an arm around her shoulder.

“Get to your room.”

She nodded and he let go of her as she walked the remaining feet to her bedroom closing her door behind herself. He turned back to see Raven trying to speak softly to Clarke who just shook her head over and over again.

He walked towards them until he could see the tears streaming down Clarkes face clearly. For a moment he felt bad for her for a moment he was willing to hear her out but then the image of Lexa standing in the doorway he had only seen her that way once before and he never thought he would get her back after that. Whatever Clarke did, if it could not be fixed he would hate her enough for both h and Lexa.

“You need to leave Clarke.”

“It meant nothing, she was gone, she left me, she chose Luna.”

“I don’t want to hear it.” He pointed towards Lexas door, “She needs me, so you need to go. Let Raven take you home. Lexa will talk to you if she wants to, but you will not force her. And for Gods sake sober up.”

Clarkes eyes widened at his last statement but she nodded and looked from him to Raven nodding to her. She reached out and Raven grabbed her hand pulling her in to steady her. They began walking towards the door when Clarke stopped and turned to look at him.

“Her bag is there.” She pointed with her head to the ground and he nodded in return. “Tell her….. tell her I’m sorry.” She stared at him waiting for a response, her gaze so focused he almost forgot she was intoxicated.

“Okay.”

**Lexas POV**

“It meant nothing, she was gone, she left me, she chose Luna.”

It took every ounce of strength she had not to go out there and yell that she had chosen her and she had told her. That maybe if Clarke would have listened to her and trusted her they could have been together. She ruined them, she did.

“I don’t want to hear it. She needs me, so you need to go. Let Raven take you home. Lexa will talk to you if she wants to, but you will not force her. And for Gods sake sober up.”

She climbed onto her bed soaked clothes and all. She didn’t want to hear this, it hurt. Her throat felt tight her stomach was in knots, there was an ache in heart she had only felt one other time in her life.

“Her bag is there. Tell her….. tell her I’m sorry.”

The word sorry repeated in her head over and over again. She gripped the pillow with all of her strength. Sorry? How could she do that when she claimed to care about her so much? She herself had been unable to have sex with Luna because her heart was Clarkes even if she didn’t know it then.

She felt her eyes begin to tear and it made her feel weak. She had not wanted to give Clarke her heart, she had simply been robbed and now she was suffering the consequences.

Her bedroom door opened and she looked up to see Roan watching her. He said nothing, just moved to her drawers and began removing clothes. She sat up watching him confused.

“Get changed, I will give you two minutes. I do not want to walk in on you half naked and I definitely don’t want to change you myself so do it and do it fast for both our sakes.”

He didn’t say anything but walked out and closed the door behind himself. He looked down at the clothes and at the door wondering how serious he was.

“A minute and half left!”

She began removing her clothing quickly and changing into the clothes he had lain out in front for her. She looked at her bed which now had water stains on it and opted to sit on the floor instead. She didn’t look up when she heard Roan walk in just pulled her knees to her chest and laid her head on them.

He began taking the sheets off of her bed until it was bare and sat on it. He began running his fingers through her hair which had become a knotted mess. She closed her eyes focusing on the calm being with him brought her.

She turned and looked over her shoulder at him.

“I love her.”

He simply nodded his head at her in acceptance.

“You and Raven?”

His lip twitched into a smile quickly before he could stop it and he shrugged his shoulders.

“I like it.”

“You and Luna?”

She closed her eyes and wished she hadn’t let Luna convince her to come back. If she could go back and be crawling in bed next to Luna right now she would, the time she had spent with Luna only made her love for the other girl grow more but just as friends.

“I love her very much but not the way I love Clarke.”

Roan didn’t say anything for a few minutes he let her stare at her fingers chipping off the ugly orange color she had let Aden choose for her. She hated it when he picked it but couldn’t say no to him.

“What happened?”

Lexa closed her eyes and took a deep breath trying to make sure she could talk without letting tears choke her words.

“I fell for her is what happened when I should have been in love with my girlfriend. She tried to.. she tempted me multiple times but I always stopped her. I couldn’t do that to Luna. But my feelings for her only grew even though we have fought so much, she challenges me I like it. Liked it. I couldn’t hide it anymore, I wasn’t very good at it. The day of Adens accident I decided I needed to follow my heart and would do right by both of them. But Luna needed me, so I went, she broke up with me on our way there but I wanted to be there for her still. At the station though I told Clarke I chose her, to wait for me. She apparently didn’t think I was worth waiting for. She hasn’t been answering my text and calls while I was gone. I went straight to her apartment and found her in bed with another girl.”

Roan didn’t say anything and she couldn’t tell if that was a good thing or not so she turned around to look at him.

“What is it?’”

He shrugged his shoulders and went to walk out of the room but she stood blocking the door.

“You aren’t leaving until you talk.”

He looked at her for a moment before chuckling to himself. “Small but strong.”

“What?”

“Nothing something me and Raven were talking about earlier.”

She was confused but stood her ground until he sighed and sat back down on her bed.

“Since you left Clarke has pretty much gone missing on the rest of the group she seemed okay letting us all know she decided to visit her parents but we have barely talked to her since then. And today… Lexa she was drunk. I know I only met her about a month ago but it didn’t seem like her.”

She felt the worry she had felt about Clarke rise again but with it came the image of her and Niylah so she pushed it away and shrugged her shoulders.

“Do you want to talk to her?”

“I don’t even want to look at her.”

**Clarkes POV**

She leaned her head against the window regretting it once her head began to pound. She decided to hold her head in her hands instead.

Raven didn’t say a word until they got to her apartment only speaking to ask for her keys. She felt as if she was with her mother again with the way Raven surveyed the room shaking her head when she saw the random bottles strewn around. She couldn’t take this.

She sat at the table grabbing a bottle but before she could even open it it was snatched out of her hands. Her head snapped up to tell Raven off but Raven simply looked at her like she was broken, and in this moment she was sure she was.

“No more drinking. How long have you been drinking like this?”

She pictured her father laying in his bed getting worse but could not say it out loud, if she started telling people her father was dying it would be more real.

“Basically since Luna left.”

“What did you do to Lexa?”

She looked away then picturing how Lexa looked so lost. She stood from the table and began walking towards her room.

“Clarke I’m not leaving until you talk to me.”

She stopped and swayed a bit realizing she wasn’t as sober as she felt.

“I need to shower… I feel dirty. Just give me a few minutes.” She closed her bedroom door behind herself taking a deep breath, she looked at her bed still crumpled and probably smelling of sex. She grabbed her phone from her night stand and some clothes to change into before leaving the room and heading to the bathroom. She made no comment as she raven dumping the rest of her alcohol into the sink.

She walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower right away but sat on the floor outside of it instead. She went to her voice messages ready to listen to all Lexa had to say wondering if this will be the last time she hears her voice.

She clicked on the first voice mail holding her breath the entire time.

“Clarke…. Look I’m worried about you and I really miss you. I’m going to be coming home soon, I hope I speak to you before then but when I do go I’m going straight to see you. We have to figure out what we are doing here. I…. I want you Clarke and I mean it. I think you want me too. Call me please.”

She felt the tears streaming down her face, what had she done? She clicked on the next message.

“You still haven’t called me, I’m trying not to worry here. I miss you, I had your favorite pancakes today just because, Aden tasted them and now wants them for every meal. Lunas parents might hate me for it, I find it amusing. Call me please.”

Through her tears she laughed a little picturing a little blonde boy crying about pancakes and Lexa trying to pretend it wasn’t her fault.

“I don’t know why you aren’t talking to me. Did I do something? I know I have been gone longer than we both probably thought I would be and I’m sorry…. Now I’m scared of what I will come home to. Clarke I just want to come home to you. Call me.”

She stared at her phone for a moment. Lexa had been scared to come home because of her. She was angry with her because she wasn’t there she left to be with Luna because…. Because she was a good person.

There was only one message left from last night.

“I’m coming home tomorrow, Luna is basically kicking me out, she doesn’t know if she is coming back or not. I can’t blame her really. The only reason I’m not more terrified I will never see her again is because I know I will be with you soon. Clarke, we can be together now. I’m not sure that is what you want anymore, I don’t know what I will do if you don’t want me anymore. I hope you are okay.”

She put her phone down and quickly stripped to nothing climbing into the shower, she looked down at her body noticing all of the hickies new and old left by Niylah. She grabbed a rag and began scrubbing as hard as she could but she knew they would only go away with time. She let Niylah… do everything to her while Lexa was worried about her while all her friends were worried about her. Because she didn’t care, because she had been drowing herself into not feeling.

She had done exactly what her father asked her not to do. She had done exactly what her parents knew she would but this time they couldn’t take care of her themselves….. because…. Her dad was dying.

She stepped out of the shower but left it on to cover her conversation.

“Clarke?”

“Daddy? I’m so sorry, you were right about me. I pushed them all away. I don’t think Lexa will ever talk to me again.”

“Princess they will understand you are going through a lot right now just talk to them, tell them.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“It will make it real. It can’t be real because I need you so much right now, I will always need you.”

Her father stopped talking for a moment, she heard him take a deep breathe in.

“I was never going to be here forever, you can do this. I raised you to be strong, make things right with everyone, with Lexa.”

“I’m in love with her.”

“I know.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm loving all of your comments <3

Surprisingly the shower and talk with her father had sobered her up some, enough so that she was scared to go back out and face Raven. She knew Raven wouldn’t let her  go to bed without talking to her but she just wasn’t ready to talk about her dad. She didn’t want to talk about Lexa, she wanted to talk to her.

She sighed and looked down noticing she had stalled so much that her fingers were no longer wrinkled and her hair was almost dry. It was now or never, she had to face her sometime.

When she opened the door Raven looked away from the television, turning it off and motioning for her to come sit with her on the couch. She glanced from her to the door of her bedroom looking back at Raven to see her now glaring.

She sighed quietly and walked over to the couch sitting on the opposite end, as far from Raven as she could possibly get. Raven didn’t say anything she simply seemed to be waiting for something.

That something came as a knock on the door, Clarke couldn’t help but feel a glimmer of hope that it was Lexa coming to talk to her, to give her a chance to explain why she had been ignoring her and had been with Niylah.

Instead when Raven opened the door in sauntered Octavia with a glare of her own. She curled in on herself taking up as little room as possible. Octavia wasn’t even going to try and play nice, she sat on the coffee table directly in front of her arms crossed.

They stared at each other for a moment before Octavia raised an eyebrow at her almost daring her to hold her silence.

“Hey O.”

Wrong thing to say, definitely wrong thing to say.

“Hey O?! Are you serious Clarke? You disappear on us for weeks show up out of nowhere and all you have to say is Hey O?”

Octavias yelling was about to cause a headache and she really had been avoiding hangovers for a reason. She turned to Raven for help but Raven shrugged.

“I shouldn’t have ignored you guys, I’m sorry.”

Octavia glared at her still. “What made you appear today?”

She looked at her bedroom and began rubbing a hicky she knew was on her neck.

“Yeah you have enough of those to make question if they are hickys or if you really just got fucked up and the person missed your face.”

She couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “Lexa.”

Octavias eyes widened. “Lexa did that? What the fuck Clarke, how could you do that to Luna?!”

“Chill out Octavia and fucking listen.” Octavias eyes widened at Ravens outburst, but Clarke sent her a grateful look. She hadn’t had to tell anyone about her feelings or anything recently it was harder than she thought it would be.

“So you are going to let her off the hook that easily? What good reason could she possibly have?”

She wasn’t going to be able to hold it in, she felt tears beginning to come to her eyes, and she wondered how she had any left. Can you cry out alcohol?

“Maybe if you listened we would find out.”

“I call bullshit.”

“Stop being so damn hard headed for once Blake!”

She hated when they fought, they would stay mad at each other for days making her fix whatever the problem was for them each time, Clarke Griffin always trying to create peace. But she couldn’t do that right now, she could barely stop herself from physically shaking in this moment and before she could think about it words were coming out of her mouth like vomit.

“My dad is dying and I’m in love with Lexa.”

Raven and Octavia both whipped their heads to look at her and she had never felt like such a deer in headlights. Neither seemed to know what to say but then they glanced at each other seeming to communicate telepathically. They both turned to her at the same time but she raised her hand before either could say anything.

“I don’t want to talk about my father, just know that’s why I stopped talking to everyone, he isn’t doing good, I don’t know how much time I have left with him and I couldn’t handle it.”

“You are in love with Lexa?”

She looked at Octavia with grateful eyes and nodded her head.

“Are the hickies from her?”

Raven moved forward and pushed Octavia lightly. “Lexa isn’t like that so stop it, she wouldn’t do that to Luna.”

Octavia glared at her and looked between the two of them. “She obviously isn’t that good if she made Clarke fall in love with her while she is with Luna.”

Clarke watched as Raven stood silent, unable to think of way to defend Lexa.

“She didn’t make me do anything, if anything, I pursued her.”

“Look, I knew you didn’t like Luna when she first got here but why would you go that far Clarke?”

She looked away from both of them thinking of everything she had and tried to get Lexa to do while she was with Luna and she knew she was crap for it and it was never that she didn’t like Luna she just thought… she just felt like Lexa was hers from the moment they met.

“It’s not that I don’t like Luna, I mean who can actually not like Luna? I just, I love her, this is the first time I have ever really been in love…..and I messed it up.”

“What did you do her Clarke? I have never seen someone so broken.”

“So Lexa is back?”

Clarke and Raven nodded at the same time and when Clarke didn’t say anything else Raven took it as her cue to speak.

“I was with Roan at Lexas place hanging out when Clarke showed up drunk and demanding to see Lexa who wasn’t there. Lexa walks in drenched, she was shaking and had obviously been crying. Roan took one look at her and went to full on protective brother mode made her go to her room while this one started rattling that Lexa had chosen Luna and she wasn’t supposed to find out about something. That’s basically all I know.”

They both turned to her expectantly and she took a deep breathe in. “Lexa told me she chose me and told me to wait for her and she left with Luna. I found out about my Dad and she wasn’t here when I needed her so I stopped talking to her and all of you guys. I started drinking and sleeping with Niylah.” She cringed thinking about how she ended things with Niylah. “Who I also owe an apology to.”

Before she could say anything her phone began ringing and she basically jumped towards it hesitiaing before picking up when she saw who it was calling her.

“Luna?”

“Hi, well this is awkward but Lexa never let me know she got there and I’m kind of worried. Is she there?”

“She isn’t here but she did get to the city, she is probably home still.”

“Can you try calling her for me?”

“She isn’t going to answer for me either.”

There was a moment of silence when neither said anything and Octavia and Raven just stared at her confused.

“Look just take care of her, she tries to be tough but she is really sensitive, she has been through enough pain. If you cause her anymore I will hurt you Clarke.”

She couldn’t help the tears and tried to make it so her sniffling couldn’t be heard over the phone.

“Clarke?”

She gasped for air before answering. “I fucked up Luna,  fucked up.”

“What did you do?”

“I can’t, she won’t forgive me, but I didn’t know.”

Octavia grabbed the phone away from her and quietly spoke to Luna.

“Yes, I know, I don’t know what happened yet I’m going to find out. Yes. I will check on her later.” There was some silence as Octavia listened and then began talking again. “How are you? Yeah I get it. I miss you. Let me know. Okay bye.”

Octavia hung up her phone and Raven moved closer to her rubbing small circles onto her back. Octavia looked at her and seemed to be confused with her emotions.

“She kept texting me and trying to call me but I ignored her because I was mad and hurt. I started sleeping with Niylah and Lexa walked in on us today. I have hurt her before I’ve done it on purpose because of being mad at her but I have never seen her like today. I pushed her too much I thought she chose Luna again and I couldn’t deal with it.

“Her and Luna broke up before they even made it to Lunas house, she was there as friend to her this whole time she did choose you.”

Clarke nodded her head as the stears streamed down her face.

“How do I fix this? Raven looked at her with side eyes and wiped a tear from her face.

“I don’t know if you can Clarke.”

**Lexas POV**

She layed under the covers, it had taken awhile for her to convince Roan she would be okay alone, but since he had left her she had been unable to sleep. Simply staring at the darkness around her.

When she heard a knock on her door she rolled her eyes wondering if Roan was going to check on her every few hours or something.

“Damn it Roan just leave me alone please!”

The door opened and she sat up ready to yell at him when Octavia walked into the room. It took her by so much surprise she didn’t say anything but just watched as Octavia closed the door behind herself and went to sit at her desk.

“What are you doing here?”

“Hello to you to Lexa. Long time no see.”

She just nodded her head feeling very suspicious, her and Octavia usually get along well with her being Lunas closest friend here but they had never actually been alone as far as she could remember.

“I’m really torn right now between wanting to yell at you or make you a snack or something to comfort you.”

She raised her eyebrow in confusion. “Explain.”

“Well I’m pretty sure you hurt Luna, I mean she really cared about you and you just pushed her to the side for Clarke.”

She felt her defenses going up and was ready to defend herself but Octavia just continued.

“Clarke is also a mess but that can’t be entirely blamed on you, I mean I get she hurt you too, she doesn’t think sometimes. Like if you are in love with one girl it isn’t okay to sleep around with another. But you guys aren’t together so it is kind of messy.”

She had stopped listening though, her mind had gone blank the moment Octavia had said in love.

“She’s in love with me?”

Octavia stopped rambling and her eyes widened. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

Her heart began beating faster and she felt like she couldn’t breather. How could Clarke claim to be in love with her?

“No she isn’t.”

Octavia just stared at her for a moment. “Yes she is, she has never really been in love before but she is now.”

She shook her head because that just didn’t make sense to her.

“You can’t be in love with someone and have sex with someone else, it doesn’t make sense.  I couldn’t do that. She ignored me for days. How can you ignore someone you are in love with? She doesn’t love me Octavia.”

Octavia seemed to get angry then and she couldn’t figure out why until Octavia began yelling at her.

“You did it too! You slept with Luna while having feelings for Clarke. You can’t judge her on that!”

She shook her and looked away. “The moment I realized my feelings for Clarke were real I stopped having sex with Luna.”

Octavias eyes widened. “How could you get away with that?”

She shrugged, “Luna knew something was up, I was just wasn’t brave enough to choose between them, because I loved them both but differently. But I did Octavia, I got brave and I chose Clarke and I told her. I asked her to wait for me and she couldn’t do that. She couldn’t wait a few weeks, so no she doesn’t love me and I can’t give my all to someone like that.”

“You need to talk to her give her a chance Lexa.”

“I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to. I don’t want to talk to her.”

“Lexa, trust me, talk to her.”

She just glared at her.

“You love her I know you do, because you look like shit right now. She is going through a lot, give her a chance to explain.”

“Do you know feels like to give someone everything and to walk in on what I did? Octavia I loved her with everything, every part of me, I haven’t loved like that since…. I can’t open myself up like that to be torn apart, I don’t think I could survive it a second time.”

She had stopped looking at Octavia then, she felt the pain coming back, one loss reminding her of another.

Octavia stood up and walked closer to her, “I know you have been through a lot, but so has she, talk to her when you are ready. I think she will wait this time.”

She simply nodded in order to get her to go away and it worked, Octavia walked out of the room closing the door behind herself.

She didn’t want to talk to Clarke. Her heart ached in ways she barely remembered, she needed her, it wasn’t a want and she was never one to give in too easily.

She picked up her phone and turned it on, noting all the messages from Luna.

She clicked for it to call and waited patiently.

“Lexa! When are you coming back?”

She felt a small smile tug at the corner of her mouth. “Hey buddy, I don’t know when I will be back honestly.”

“You should have stayed longer.”

“You know what I think you are right about that.” She would still be pretty content right now if she had been there still.

“Luna wants to talk to you.”

“Put her on then.”

“Okay bye.”

“Bye.”

“What the fuck do you not understand about text me when you get there?”

“Can you come home?”

There was silence for a moment and Luna took a deep breathe in and her background noise became silent.

“Octavia told me what happened.”

“She is just everywhere today isn’t she?” She rolled her eyes wishing no one knew except who she wanted to.

“How are you?”

“How do you think?”

“Curled in your bed lights off staring at nothing.”

She didn’t say anything which seemed to be answer enough.

“Lexa I don’t know if me going to comfort you would be the best thing.”

Of course it wouldn’t, who calls their ex when the girl they basically broke up over breaks her heart?

“I know I’m sorry. It was unfair of me to even ask.”

There was a silence for a moment. “Can you hold up until the end of the week?

“Luna you don’t have to come, I really shouldn’t have asked.”

“The fact that you did ask shows me how much you need me. Go to sleep Lex you have a shoot in the morning.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, shut up already.”

She couldn’t help the smile that came to her face even though Luna promptly hung up on her before she could respond.

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time is starting to slowly pass.

**One Week Later**

**Clarkes POV**

A week is a long time, a lot can happen in it. She looks out her window watching the people walk by, each has their own life, each their own story, some are in love, some are busy hating.

She herself is in love but she is pretty sure the girl she is in love with hates her. She hasn’t tried calling her because she is too scared, everyone says Lexa will speak to her when she is ready but what if she never does?

Her instincts tell her to push, to show up at her door again until Lexa listens to her, until she can see her with her own eyes and know she hasn’t broken the most amazing person she has ever known. Her instincts though, they are what got her into this mess.

She wants to fight Lexa and tell her that her father is dying that Lexa cannot blame her for what she did but that is wrong. That would be manipulative and she can’t do that to her because she deserves better. She wants to yell at her that they weren’t together that she didn’t know her and Luna had broken up but she knows that she had ignored her own heart and pushed Lexas to the side by sleeping with Niylah.

She sighed loudly. She still needed to talk to Niylah to apologize because Niylah was kind and she had taken advantage of her. She had used her and thrown her to the side as if she were nothing which wasn’t fair.

She stood up and walked to her closet throwing on a pair of leggings and a tshirt, surprisingly she still had some that weren’t covered in paint.

Her phone vibrated and she half ran to it, always hoping it would be Lexa ready to talk to her. It never was.

Luna: Are you home?

Luna had told her she was coming home soon, she just hadn’t realized how soon.

Clarke: I was just heading out, do you want me to wait for you?

Luna: No. We will meet up at another time…. I just need to pick some things up. I’m going to staying somewhere else for a bit.

She felt her heart ache, she should have known why Luna was coming home so soon.

Clarke: Lexa?

She almost expected Luna not to answer her but she did.

Luna: Yes.

Clarke: Are you guys…

Luna: No.

She felt herself sigh out in relief, Lexa hadn’t run back to Luna, at least not in that way which had crossed her mind since that day.

Clarke: Tell her I’m sorry.

Luna: That isn’t my job… She doesn’t want to talk to you and I am not going to push her or send messages for you. I am respecting her wishes. You should too.

She didn’t know what to say to that. She felt empty without Lexa and the feeling was only getting worse the longer she went without her.

Clarke: Okay.

She walked to her dresser looking down at the bracelets in front of her, the ones she had hidden since Luna had left, the ones that taunted her every day since she took them back out.

She sat down quickly at her desk quickly pulling out a piece of paper. She wouldn’t ambush her, she wouldn’t call her or even text her. She would write her a letter and leave it here, Lexa only had to read if she wanted to, it was an offer nothing more.

She wrote everything down, everything she felt, everything she thought everything she wished she could tell her if she was standing in front of her right now, she wrote an offer, a promise, one she swore she would keep for as long as she could.

When she looked up from the letter she saw that a lot more time had passed than she had thought, and she had better get going before Luna showed up with Lexa. They would think she stood on purpose to make Lexa see her, she wanted to, but she wouldn’t.

She quickly placed the letter in an envelope, writing Lexas name on it and grabbed her winter coat and boots.

She made it downstairs and turned to begin walking in the direction towards the coffee shop when she heard the voice that she wished she could hear for days now. She spun around to see Lexa helping Luna out of a cab.

“Make it fast.”

“Come up with me.”

Lexa had her hands shoved in her pockets and she wished she could see her face more than anything, but Lexa had her back towards her.

“I can’t, you know I cant.”

“She isn’t there Lex.”

She heard Lexa sigh, they stood less than ten feet away from each other, she was so close to her and for the first time in a while she could breathe like actually breathe.

She took a step forward and her eyes connected with Lunas for a moment, Lexa was looking at the ground, Luna subtly shook her head no before lifting Lexas chin so that she was looking at her.

“I swear she isn’t upstairs, we will be in and out, I just need some things.”

She saw Lexa barely nod her head. She took that as her cue to walk and it took all of her strength to walk away, to put distance between her and the girl she wanted more than she had ever wanted anyone else in her life.

Lexa seemed better than the last time she had spoken to her, that was something. But it hurt her hearing from Lexas own mouth that she basically did not want to see her or even put herself in a situation where she might have to.

Would she ever get the chance to see her or talk to her let alone actually be with her?

She began her walk towards the café once again trying to figure out what it was she was exactly going to tell Niylah. Sorry I used you for sex and treated you like crap but I was basically having a mental breakdown.

She stood outside of the café looking in deciding if she should actually go in or just head home. She couldn’t go home yet though, Lexa was still there most likely and the letter she left, she hoped Lexa would read it at least. Her decision was made for her when her stomach growled loudly.

When she stepped in she automatically spotted Niylah behind the counter working on coffee orders, she knows she should just go sit down and not interrupt but the guilt is eating at her. She was being selfish right now because if she was Niylah she wouldn’t want to see herself. She had to make things right though.

So she walked up to the counter, Niylah spoke to her without looking at her.

“Hey, can I I get you anything?”

If she wasn’t so stubborn she would have walked away at the glare Luna had pointed at her after she almost snapped her head to make sure she heard right.

“I’m working Clarke.”

“I know but I need to apologize for what happened.”

Niylah had stopped all her movements and just simply glared at her. A man next to them was watching them and pointed to the cup in Niylahs hand with a shrug.

She felt her cheeks turn a light pink in embarrassment.

Niylah turned away from her continuing to work and ignore as if she wasn’t there. After a few minutes of this she huffed. “Will you just go wait over there?” She was pointing towards a seat in the corner. Clarke tried to give her a small smile but Niylah had already turned away from her once again.

She sighed and made her way over to the table. She took out her phone but had nothing to do with.

Clarke: How you feeling today?

Dad: It is a good day, I’m bothering your mom on purpose ;)

She smiled to herself and felt her eyes begin to water. She tried shaking her head, now wasn’t the time to do this, she had to keep it together.  She wiped angrily at her eyes covering her face focusing on her breathing to try and calm the feeling in her gut.

She took a deep breathe in when she felt calm enough she moved her hands to see Niylah sitting across from her watching her curiously.

“What do you want Clarke?”

She placed her hands beneath the table clenching and unclenching them.

“I owe you an apology.”

Niylah raised an eyebrow at her and leaned back in her chair crossing her arms over her chest.

“For what exactly?”

She gulped and began speaking before thinking. “I used you for sex and I shoudnt have, I knew you liked me and I took advantage of it. I wa- am going through a tough time and I dragged you into it when I shouldn’t have. And then Lexa walked in and I was even worse to you because she wasn’t supposed to find out.”

Niylah continued to watch her. She leaned forward with her elbows on the table, “Lets be honest Clarke, you don’t egret the sex it was what you needed, you regret getting caught by her. If it was anyone else I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t have cared that much. But Lexa…. She was never just your friend was she?”

Clarke stared at her, her instinct told her to fight to deny it but could she really? “If I could take it back I would, I’d wait for her.”

“Would you have wanted her to see you that way? Think about it, you were always drinking, always convincing me to drink, we didn’t have sex sober. The marks we left on eachother, you would do that to her? It was always angry sex if you really think about it. But I was okay with it, I don’t really know you but I’m pretty sure that’s not who you really are Clarke, I can tell from just talking to you now. Just by looking at you actually.”

She was right, she would never do what she did with Niylah to Lexa. “The moment you saw her it was like something in you came back I saw it in your eyes. So don’t worry about me I’m not fragile I can handle myself we both got something we needed from each other, even exchange I’d say.”

Clarke studied her a bit. Niylah wasn’t the person she seemed to be when she first met her. She just seemed kind, smart, and funny. She hadn’t seen this side of her before, the strength the stubbornness.

So she just nodded her head and made to stand up but Niylah stood first. “You still need your muffin.”

**Lexas POV**

“I swear she isn’t upstairs, we will be in and out, I just need some things.”

She nodded her head and Luna moved her hand from her face giving her a small smile. Luna turned to talk towards the building and she went to grab her hand but Luna simply squeezed it quickly and let go looking around quickly.

She raised an eyebrow towards her in question but Luna just shrugged and walked past her into the building. She felt as if someone was watching her earlier, so she turned and looked up and down the block but saw no one she recognized. She shook her head at herself, maybe a part of her was secretly wishing Clarke was there. It was that part of her she was learning to ignore.

She walked into the building rushing to catch up to Luna who was waiting for her at the top of the stairs. When Luna stood at the door holding it open for her she froze, she didn’t want to go in. She knew Clarke wasn’t there but it felt weird, she was actually scared to go in.

But Luna just stood there holding the door for her to walk in so that’s what she did. She walked in and closed the door behind herself and Luna walked straight to her room. She stood near the doorway unsure of what to do, she looked around noticing an envelop on the kitchen that was propped up.

She walked over to it and her eyes widened when she realized it had her name on it. She stared at it for a moment unsure of what to do. She picked it up and ran her hands over her name, she knew what it was. Clarke.

She put the envelope in her coat pocket and walked towards Clarkes room. She had her hand on the door knob. She took a deep breathe in and turned it, apart of her swore she would still see Clarke and Niylah in bed but it was empty. Bed made new sheets from the ones that were on it a week ago.

She walked to Clarkes dresser and saw the bracelets sitting there. She picked one up and it took all of her strength to place it back down as she found it instead of taking it with her.

She turned and walked over to the bed sitting on the edge of it.

She sighed and laid back closing her eyes and imagined if things had gone the way she wished Clarke would be laying there next to her. But they didn’t and if she learned anything in the last week it was that she was weak and she could not afford to be weak anymore.

Letting someone have that kind of power over her made her weak and she refused to be weak to put everything she had into one person was a recipe for disaster she would only get hurt in the end or she would only hurt them. That’s just what love seemed to be now a tug of war neither ever wanting to hurt the other but pain it was bound to happen.

She could handle pain she had lost so much already, her father, her first love. Those loves were gone from her life because for some reason it had been time for them to go. Clarke had too much power over her, she could break her in an instant and that was not something she could live with. The possibility of feeling such pain again, she wouldn’t survive for a third time, death wasn’t the only way to lose someone and she would rather do it her way then have it decided for her. Clarke may have cared for her but it was not equal in strength to what she felt and that was a recipe for disaster.

For now she needed her space, to fall out of love with Clarke Griffin. Things would be better once she could do that. Sitting on her bed imagining what they could have been is not helping her in any way. She sat up and walked quickly out of the room and into Lunas. She was completely exhausted, she hadn’t been able to sleep well all week.

She threw herself onto the bed and curled herself around a body pillow listening as Luna rummaged around her room gathering everything she might need for the next few days. She was in that in between state of sleeping and being awake and was startled when Luna brushed her hair out of her face and whispered she was ready to go.

She pouted, “I’m sleepy.”

Luna gave her a sad smile and leaned forward pressing a kiss to her forehead. You can sleep when we get to your place Lex.

She watched as Luna pulled away, she sat up and stretched.

“I missed you when you were gone.”

Luna nodded her head, “I know.”

She stood up and began walking towards the door, Luna walking behind her silently. She turned around and surveyed the space around her.

“It is better than last time I was here.”

Luna shrugged her shoulders, “Octavia said Clarkes going through some stuff but she wasn’t specific about anything.”

She nodded her head, she hoped Clarke would be okay she really did, but sometimes you just have to put yourself first and that is what she was doing.

“Tell her I said thank you for not being here.”

Luna shook her head no. “ I will not tell her anything, if you want to speak to her you have her number Lexa. I will not play telephone between you two. It is uncomfortable.”

Lexa studied Lunas face and nodded her head. “I’m sorry. I don’t ever think how this makes you feel and that is unfair of me. You don’t have to come stay with me if you really don’t want to, I would understand.”

“If I don’t go with you then I came back for almost no reason Lexa. I came back to help you through this. That’s what friends are for.”

“You are a really great friend.”

Luna rolled her eyes and walked out of the door.

“Obviously.”

**One week later**

“So you guys are no longer dating?”

Lexa nodded in response and looked at all of their friends sitting around them. She noted how close her brother and Raven were to each other but decided not to comment.

“Yet Luna has basically moved in with you?”

She rolled her eyes and began putting her hair in a messy bun. “She has not moved in.”

She turned to Luna for back up but Luna just shrugged in response. She shoved her a little with her shoulder brining a small smile to her face.

“I’m going home tomorrow.”

“Have you told Clarke?”

She tried to tune out the conversation then but it wasn’t that easy.

“Me and Clarke have been texting, she knows.”

She looked at Luna then. She hadn’t known that the two had been in contact at all.

“Have you spoken to her Lexa?”

She shook her head no and stood up walking over to the refrigerator.

“Has she not tried texting or calling you?” Roan was being annoyingly persistent.

She shook her head no once again feeling everyones eyes on her as she opened the door and surveyed what they had in it.

No, Clarke hadn’t tried to call or text her, she was honestly surprised the blonde shown up at her door demanding to be listened to. Her mind flashed to the still closed letter in bottom drawer. She wasn’t ready to open it, she didn’t know if she ever would be.

She stayed looking into the fridge longer than necessary waiting for the conversation in the living room to have changed to a safer topic.

Soon it was time for everyone to go even Octavia wasn’t spending the night saying she and Raven had promised Clarke a girls nights since they had spent the day with Lexa and Clarke was set to visit her parents the rest of the weekend. Kind of like the children from a divorced family.

While everyone was saying their goodbyes Octavia pulled her in and whispered into her ear as she hugged her, “She is waiting for you, I know you don’t want to talk about her but I thought you should know.” She pulled away and acted as if she had heard nothing.

When Raven and Octavia left, her Roan, Luna and Lincoln squeezed onto the couch to watch a movie. But before they could press play Roan pulled a magazine out of his jacket pocket and told her to turn to page forty eight. She should have known not to because there she was a picture of her from one of her last shoots. The things she did to pay for school. She rolled her eyes and threw it towards him.

“You know I hate seeing the pictures!”

“You are just lucky I didn’t show the girls.”

Luna picked up the magazine  and looked at the picture shrugging her shoulders, “At least you look good. I really don’t get why you don’t tell people. I mean honestly where do they all think you get money from?”

Roan laughed and said, “I’m pretty sure Raven think you are like some secret assassin or something equally as crazy.”

“I don’t want to be known for that.” She waved her hand towards the picture Lincoln was now looking at. “It is just to pay for school until I get my license as a lawyer, who would take me seriously if they knew about this crap?”

“Who is the girl in the picture with you?”

She looked over to see who they were talking about and she smiled instantly recognizing that face.

“Her name is Anya.”

Roan took the magazine from Lincoln. “She seems bitchy.”

Lexa laughed she had seen Anya a few days ago and they had exchanged numbers, Anya wasn’t like the other girls she didn’t really seem to care about the clothes they were made to wear and she wiped off makeup faster than Lexa did which was impressive.

“Oh she is a bitch but in the best way possible.”

She took out her phone thumbing through the contacts.

Lexa: The pictures from our first shoot together are out.

She got an almost instant reply

Anya: Tell me something that I care about?

She laughed out loud and covered her mouth when she realized everyone was watching her. She shrugged her shoulders and began writing her response.

Lexa: My brother says you look like a bitch. I told him you are :)

Anya: You know me so well already <3

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I love your comments guys but some frustrate me and if I knew you in person I would shake a lot of you from frustration lol out of love ofcourse. I appreciate everyone sticking with me through this though and keep the comments coming even the ones that make me roll my eyes and rant to my best friend (You know who you are Love <3 ) Lol but seriously I always want to defend Lexa and Clarke so its hard for me to comment back because I'm stubborn but torn, I know where I'm taking this story so just trust me.  
> PS I love Luna too.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short but I felt like posting it.

**Two Weeks later**

**Lexas POV**

She sat on the couch looking around, it felt weird to be spending her weekends here again but it also felt very right.

She was lost as to what was happening in the movie. She tossed her phone from hand to hand, she wanted to speak to her, as the time has gone by her heart has felt lighter calmer. She was sure if she was ready yet. Was it still too soon?

Everytime she wanted to talk to her she almost did, it was getting harder and harder. She opened the notes section on her phone and began typing.

_I miss asking you what you are doing, why haven’t you tried calling or texting me?_

She scrolled through the note that had begun weeks ago, everything she wanted to tell her she wrote down there and it helped her.

Yesterdays notes.

_Why do you spend every weekend with your parents now?_

Five Days ago.

_I wonder if I will ever not love you?_

_A week ago._

_Am I ready to see you without simply falling back into your arms? What is in the letter?_

The damn letter she always wanted to open, it kept her up sometimes wondering what it said. But she knew more than anything that she wasn’t ready to read it. But the one question she wrote every single day for the last three weeks without fail was…

_What is happening to you? Everyone says you are going through something.. What is it Clarke? Can I fix it? Do you need me? Will I ever not want to make sure you are okay?_

She couldn’t focus on the damn movie. The thought of Clarke had slowly no longer caused her pain just a want. She wanted to know now, she thinks she was ready, nothing more than knowing. She didn’t have to see her she didn’t even have to talk to her.

She reached forward for the remote and paused the movie. Luna just looked at her curiously and turned so they were facing eachother.

“What is happening with her?”

Luna looked around the apartment as if she were thinking.

“I can’t tell you.”

“So you know?”

Luna nodded and stood up walking away from her towards her room. She stood sitting for a moment before she felt anger rise. She stood up and stormed into Lunas room.

“Tell me.”

Luna looked up from her own phone for a moment taking the sight of her in.

“She told me not to, she told all of us not to.”

“Who knows?”

“Everyone.”

She began pacing in the small room. Her heart began to race faster and faster, what if something was really wrong with her and she had spent the last month focused on herself and Clarke actually needed her.

“What if she needs me?”

Luna watched her and padded the bed next to her. She felt tears begin to fill her eyes even though everything she had told herself in the last month was supposed to stop this. These emotions that Clarke seemed to constantly bring out of her. Luna wrapped her arms around her.

“She doesn’t want you coming to her rescue Lexa. If you go back to her she wants it to be because you want to not because you feel like you have to. She is keeping it from you to protect you. She…… she is figuring out how to be strong on her own, let her.”

She nodded her head and let herself be calmed by Lunas touch.

“Has she been drinking?”

She felt Luna shake her head no. “No, I don’t know how she was before but the only time I have seen her drink since being back is a beer with Lincoln and Octavia the other night.”

She needed to ask she had to, it had been eating at her for weeks. “Is she still seeing Niylah?”

“She isn’t she has made it clear that she will not be seeing anyone any time soon.”

She nodded her head and stood up. “Lets finish the movie, I’m getting tired and should head out soon.” She should leave before Clarke got back tonight.

“You aren’t watching it Lexa.” She shrugged her shoulders and walked back to the living room waiting for Luna to sit before pressing play.

She thought she was going to fall asleep but when she looked over at Luna twenty minutes later she was the one who was knocked out. She smiled and turned the television off reaching over and grabbing the blanket that was always there and covered her.

She sat there a few minutes knowing she should leave watching as the minutes passed by. She stood up and walked towards Clarkes room. This was a little creepy wasn’t it? If Clarke saw her it would be weird.

But she knew Clarke wouldn’t be home for another hour, she had gotten used to knowing when she had to leave to avoid her.

She went and sat on the bed, noting that their bracelets still had yet to be moved. She grabbed one and put it on. She laid down and grabbed a pillow breathing it in. She was being weak but being weak had never felt so right. She just laid there wanting to never get up because this felt like home. Clarke felt like home and sometimes all she ever wanted to do was go home.

She closed her eyes for a moment she swore it was just a moment but when she opened them again almost two hours had passed. She jumped up and walked into the livingroom grabbing her stuff, Luna was still asleep.

Before she could reach the door though she heard a key going in and the locks being turned. Her heart stopped beating, she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t move.

**Clarkes POV**

She just wanted to get in bed she was exhausted. It had been a good weekend, her dad had a good weekend. That made her smile, things were going okay, she found happy moments in the last couple of weeks. It was hard but she was doing it.

She walked up the stairs one at a time too tired to rush. She stood outside her door for a moment taking a deep breathe in. She began taking off her boots that were covered in snow as she was opening the door. She bent down as she opened the door so she could take them off and when she looked up she froze in her movements.

“Lexa.” She breathed her name out before she could think. She took a step forward bringing them closer, she didn’t say anything else. She just watched and read the emotions that flashed across Lexas face as they stared at eachother.

She took another step forward but froze as Lexa took a step back. She looked as if she were in physical pain being so close to her. She took a step back and saw her physically relax a bit.

“I was just leaving…. I meant to leave earlier but I fell asleep.”

She nodded her head and realized she was blocking the door so she stepped to the side leaving Lexa room to walk but she didn’t make another move to leave. They stood there staring at each other.

“Lexa?”

“Stop.” She didn’t know what to say she hadn’t done a thing, she was doing everything right wasn’t she? She had been trying to do everything right. She stared at Lexa everything about her was beautiful everything in her told her this was the person she was meant to be with for the rest of her life. But she needed to deserve her to not push to let Lexa figure out if she wanted her too.

“Stop what?”

“Saying my name, just stop. Please.” She nodded her head and they stood there.

“Do you want something?”

She swore she could see tears brimming her eyes, she raised a hand to reach out to her but Lexa physically flinched away and she dropped her hand as fast as she had raised it.

“Are you okay?”

The question took her by surprise. She glanced towards the couch where she saw Luna was sleeping and she just watched her chest rise and fall before looking back towards Lexa.

“She won’t tell me what is going on. You told her not to which means no one will probably tell me.”

She nodded her head she had told everyone not to.

“They won’t.”

She saw a flash of anger in the green eyes she was getting lost in and it brought her back.

“So you tell me.”

She shook her head no. “Are you actually ready to talk to me or do you just want to know. I don’t want your pity Lexa I want you. I want you to want me, to forgive me, to give me a chance because you want to.”

Lexa stared at her. “I can’t be with you.”

She felt her heart clench and leaned back against the wall to hold her up.

“It isn’t because of…. Its not because of Niylah. I just can’t, I can’t do this again Clarke. I had one great love you know? Maybe that can be enough for me.”

“Don’t you deserve better than that? Don’t we?” Lexa shrugged her shoulders and looked away.

“Niylah and me it was stupid, I know it was. I shouldn’t have ignored you, I know it’s my fault. You asked me to wait and I didn’t. I just knew you left with her and then…. I just couldn’t. I was weak. I want to be strong now Lexa.”

Lexa still wasn’t looking at her. “Stop talking about Niylah. We weren’t together we are different people, just because I wasn’t sleeping with… when I care for someone really care for them I can’t be with anyone else that’s just how I am. I assumed the same thing for you so seeing you together… I don’t know if you felt what I felt for you Clarke I don’t. But that isn’t the point anymore. Maybe one day we can be friends but that isn’t today.”

She felt tears begin sliding down her face, she watched as Lexa clenched and unclenched her hands as if she was unsure of what she should do.

She quickly wiped the tears away.

“Did you ever read the letter?”

“I’m not ready to.”

She nodded her head. “When you do, if you do, know that I mean every word I say in it and  I’m going to keep every promise.”

Lexa nodded her head. She closed her coat the rest of the way and walked towards the door.

“Goodbye Clarke.”

Lexa opened the door and closed it behind herself. Clarke walked towards the door and leaned her forehead against it.

“Goodbye Lexa.”

**Lexas POV**

She leaned back against the door trying to find the strength to walk away.

“Goodbye Lexa.”

She closed her eyes and held her breathe until she heard Clarkes footsteps walking away from the door.

When she got home Lincoln and Roan were watching football on the couch. She sat next to them without saying a word. When the game was over Lincoln turned towards her with a serious expression.

“I have to talk to you.” She nodded her head for him to go on.

“I’m planning on doing something, something big and I want everyone to be there. You Raven, Roan, Bellamy, Clarke. I need to do something and you and Clarke both need to be there.”

She didn’t understand what he was talking about but stood quiet so he would continue talking. The thought of seeing Clarke again made her heart beat faster, her heart always seemed to betray her.

“I’m going to ask Octavia to marry me.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the chapter loves. Let me know what you think.

**One Month Later**

**Lexas POV**

“I’m starting to think you guys lied to us.”

She opened her eyes and fought to stay conscious but Lunas fingers combing through her hair wasn’t helping so she sat up lifting her head from Lunas lap and rubbing her eyes.

“About what?”

Lincoln rolled his eyes and motioned between the two of them.

“You guys seem more like a couple now than when you were actually dating. Luna spends the night more now than she ever did before.”

“We do not.”

She turned to Luna for confirmation but Luna shrugged instead. “He actually is right but I mean we both know we are just friends now.”

“That’s my point you two know but no one else does, a guy was checking Luna out at the bar last night but then he saw her with you so he didn’t talk to her.”

She felt a bit of guilt at the idea that she was keeping Luna from finding someone else.

“I just like spending time with you Lun, I’m sorry.”

Luna just shook her head and pushed at her shoulder, “shut up, I wouldn’t be around you so much if I didn’t feel the same way. Besides I saw the guy he wasn’t cute at all. If he was I so would have pushed you away.”

She shoved Lunas shoulder this time and rolled her eyes but she couldn’t help the small smile that came to her face.

When her phone vibrated, she picked it up quickly looking at her texts.

Anya: Are you going to do it?

Lexa: Do what?

Anya: Trikru magazine wants us to come back for another shoot this weekend.

Lexa: Really? You’d think they would be tired of our faces by now.

Anya: I can see why they would be tired of yours.

Lexa: Shut up. Where you staying in the city this time?

Anya: Haven’t figured it out yet.

Lexa: You can have my couch if you want.

Anya: How about your bed ;)

She laughed out loud which made Luna look at her questioningly.

Lexa: LMAO I almost puked.

Anya: Bitch

Lexa: ??

Anya: Fine the couch will do.

She put her phone back down on the coffee table trying to tune back into Luna and Lincolns conversation.

“So its happening this weekend then officially?”

Lincoln nodded his head and reached into his pocket  and took out the ring box. She reached forward and took it from his hand opening the box to reveal a beautiful ring with a vine/leaf design to it. It was one of the most beautiful rings she had ever seen.

“This is amazing.”

Lincoln nodded his head and a little blush came to his cheeks. “I just hope she think so too.”

Luna took the ring and examined it. “If she says no can I keep it? I mean I could totally marry you for this ring.”

Lincoln just laughed and stood up taking the ring from her hands. Lexa just shook her head at Lunas words knowing she was kidding.

“So how and when is this happening?”

“Saturday night and well I want to do it in the butterfly garden at the Bronx zoo.”

“The butterfly garden?”

He nodded his head, that is her favorite place in the city.”

Luna spoke up next both of them trying to figure everything out.

“It is kind of cold to go to the zoo though, how are you going to get her there?”

“Conveniently there is a show happening there that she wants to go to. Which really makes this perfect. And spring is here its getting warmer. The flowers should be out.”

She nodded her head. “Wait this Saturday?”

He nodded his head.

“Do you mind if I bring someone? I literally just told her she could spend the weekend with me.”

Lincoln and Luna both stared at her with their mouths open. She just looked between the two of them confused as to why they were reacting like this.

“It’s just Anya.” They both looked at eachother and seemed to communicate without using any words both nodding at the same time.

Lincoln turned to look at her. “Can you and Clarke be civil?” That familiar skip of her heart beat at Clarkes name seemed to always take her by surprise. “I need to know you guys wont make this about yourselves.”

Apart of her wanted to defend them to say they would be fine, that they could be around eachother and not making everything about themselves but that seemed to be what had gotten them into this mess, when they were together they seemed to only see eachother.

“We spoke before, awhile ago, we can be around eachother for that night and be okay.”

“When did you guys talk?” She tuned to look at Luna who seemed to be confused once again.

“When you fell asleep on the couch a few weeks ago, she came home we spoke quickly.” She turned back to Lincoln, “Clarke and I may have our issues but we both love you and Octavia too much to ruin this for you guys.”

Lincoln nodded but didn’t look convinced, if anything he looked more worried. She dint want him to worry about them the whole time, this was supposed to be a special day one of the best of his life. She began speaking before she could think.

“I will talk to her tell her you are worried explain that we must be on our best behavior. Okay?”

“You will talk to her?”

She nodded her head and her heart began beating rapidly at the thoughtof what she was offering, it would just be once, and only one night of actually seeing each other. They didn’t even have say anything to each other or really be near each other.

“I will text her tonight if you want.”

Lincoln nodded his head but Luna shook hers. “You don’t have to talk to her if you don’t want to. I can tell her to behave.”

She gave Luna a small smile and shook her head no, she knew she was just trying to protect her but this wasn’t about her and Clarke and that’s why she could do it.

“I can do this.”

**Clarkes POV**

She sat in her room painting from memory, it seemed this was the only thing she could paint over and over again, different angles, zoom ins of the parts that she had etched into her memory. If she was honest it was her favorite thing to paint, made her feel closer to her. Her fingers hovered over the drying paint, A zoom in of a small smirk being given over a shoulder, the edges of a neck tattoo barely visible in the corner.

She sighed and pulled her hand away before she could ruin her work. When her phone vibrated and a ringtone she hadn’t heard in what felt like forever filled the room she ran jumped up from her seat so fast she almost knocked the painting over.

She fell onto her grabbing her phone, her entire face lighting up at the name displayed on her screen.

Lexa: I’m guessing you know about Lincolns plans?

She felt a little sadness seep into her because Lexa was talking to her for something other than just to talk to her.

Clarke: Yes. Why?

Lexa: We will both be there, for them.

Clarke: So we will be seeing each other?

She felt a spark of hope at having the possibility to see Lexa again, to hear her voice, see her smile.

Lexa: Yes, but that is all. This is about them. We will make sure it stays that way.

She felt anger rise, but instead of responding right away she closed her eyes and breathed in deeply for a few minutes. She threw her phone across her bed and rolled over onto her back and just stared at the ceiling. How long could she do this?

She looked over at all of the paintings stacked against her wall. As long as it took. Lexa loved her she knew it and one day Lexa would accept herself. When her phone vibrated again she reached for it.

Lexa: Clarke we have to for them.

Lexa was right this wasn’t about them as much as she wished there actually was a them.

Clarke: I know.

Clarke: You are right, it will be all about Octavia and Lincoln.

She stayed waiting for a response but when none came she stood up stretching and walking out into the living room. She noticed all of the paint on her arms and decided she might as well shower now.

As she showered her mind actually began going over the fact that she would soon being Lexa again, and she was excited. Lincoln had told her he wanted everyone dressed up, dresses and button shirts. Lexa in a dress was going to be amazing and she couldn’t wait. She would get more inspiration for her next paintings.

**Saturday Night**

She stood in front of her mirror looking at her hair and makeup, she had never felt so nervous for something before, not even the first time she had her own gallery showing. She sighed and sat down grabbing her heals and putting them on. When Raven walked in with her hair cascading over her shoulders and her pink form fitting dress her jaw almost dropped.

Raven noticed and nodded her head smiling.

“Roan is going to be all over you.”

Raven turned to the mirror and looked at herself.

“I sure hope so.”

She scrunched her face up in disgust. She had hung out with Roan a few times never one on one and he seemed to somewhat avoid being left alone with her. She figured he was upset with her for hurting Lexa which she couldn’t really blame him for but he seemed like a nice guy.

Sometimes he said or did something that reminded her of Lexa and she felt a small ache. Every day it got harder and harder to not speak to her or see her, she swore when she first decided that she would give Lexa space that it couldn’t feel possibly worse but as time went on it did.

There were times when some of the group would be together and she thought of something funny and would turn to tell Lexa but she was never there. It amazed her that she and Lexa had still only known each other for less than a year closer to eight months. Crazy that tonight Lincoln and Octavia were getting engaged.

She shook her head and stood up once again giving herself a once over.

“You look good Griffin.”

She smiled at Raven before reaching over and grabbing her coat and bag.

“We are going to be early you know? And you are never early.”

She shrugged her shoulders and grabbed Ravens coat too handing it to her.

“We have to get there before Octavia and Lincoln you know.”

Raven raised her eyebrow, “Yeah that’s why you want to get there early, has nothing to do with who else will be there. Are you really not over Lexa yet?”

She felt her anger rise quickly. “ Don’t Raven not again.”

“It’s been months, she hasn’t spoken to you or seen you, why wait? Just try to move on. Date a little.”

She spun around to face her buttoning her coat at the same time.

“I am in love with her Raven. That isn’t going to go away and I have hope, I have to have hope because I have never felt this way for anyone in my entire life and I don’t think I will ever feel this way for anyone else.”

“I don’t want you to waste your time waiting for something that will never happen.”

“Why won’t it ever happen?”

Raven sighed and glared at her and returned the look just as fiercely. “She doesn’t want you. How much more obvious can she make that? She doesn’t want to talk to you Clarke, she doesn’t want to see you. She doesn’t want you.”

Clarkes eyes widened and she felt tears begin to build in her eyes because everything Raven just said she had thought on and off but she had never given up.  She couldn’t help the gasp for air that came out of her mouth. She moved and dropped to sit on her bed.

She saw as Raven face fell. She bent down in front of her. Something she was impressed with because of how tight Raven dress was.

“Damn it I’m sorry Clarke I shouldn’t have said that. God Roan would kill me if he heard me say that.” Raven pressed her fingers to her nose and squeezed closing her eyes and breathing in deeply.

“I just….. She still cares about you. She asks how you are doing sometimes. But neither of you are doing anything to move forward or move on and its like this fucking limbo and its driving all of us crazy. We just want to be with our friends.”

She nodded her head and quickly wiped at the tears before they could ruin her makeup.

“I really am sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Lexa has never said that Clarke.”

The tears wouldn’t stop coming which only frustrated her even more. “That doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel that way. I just can’t give up Raven, I need her.”

Raven nodded her head but didn’t say anything else she just rubbed circles on her knees until the tears finally began to slow down. She knew no one would understand apart of her didn’t understand but she just knew it in her heart that she would never feel this way again for anyone else. It wasn’t something that could be explained so she would wait because she had hope that Lexa loved her too even if she was trying her hardest not to.

She took a deep breath in and tapped the back of Ravens hands signaling for her to move. Raven stood and walked towards the door, she stopped and looked at herself in the mirror. Thankfully her makeup hadn’t messed up but it was obvious by the shine in her eyes and the redness in her cheeks and nose. She just hoped no one would look hard enough to notice.

They got there just a few minutes late. She told Raven to go in without her that she just needed a minute alone. She stood on the path looking around unsure of what she wanted to do. She was about to walk in when she heard footsteps behind her and then a familiar laugh.

“Damn it Anya behave yourself or I will send you back to my place.”

“Ohhhh will you give me a good spanking when you come home?”

“Anya! Don’t talk about my sister in front of me like that.”

She couldn’t move she was frozen. Who the hell was Anya? When the footsteps sounded like they were directly behind her now she turned to see for herself.

Her eyes connected directly with Lexas greens. Lexa froze abruptly which ended up tugging who Clarke assumed was Anya back because they had their arms looped together.

“The hell Lexa?”

She broke her staring with Lexa to look over at Anya who was glaring at Lexa now. She was pretty very exotic looking.

“Clarke?”

Her head snapped over to look at Roan who was watching her to see what she would do. She gave a soft smile keeping her eyes on him.

“Better get in before Octavia and Lincoln show up.”

With that she turned quickly pushing the door open. She walked quickly not looking at anyone she passed.

**Lexas POV**

The walk to the butterfly garden was already killing her feet. She should have known not to wear these. When they began approaching the entrance Anya pulled her arm into hers.

“Beauty is pain isn’t it?”

She nodded her head and used Anyas arm to take some weight off of her own feet. She wasn’t going to make the night in these.

Anya pulled her closer to whisper in her ear. “You ass does look fantastic though.” Anya pulled away quickly with a small teasing smirk not even looking at her. She let out a laugh quickly.

“Damn it Anya behave yourself or I will send you back to my place.”

She knew she was only kidding, simply because Lexa always got embarrassed from her comments but seriously they needed to stop.

“Ohhhh will you give me a good spanking when you come home?”

She was ready to reprimand her but Roan jumped to it instead. She was pretty sure all her remarks were driving him crazy.

“Anya! Don’t talk about my sister in front of me like that.”

She shook her head at the two of them when they turned the last corner and saw a woman standing there right in front of the door.

When the woman turned around she froze, she couldn’t take another step.

Clarke. She could do nothing but stare at her. She looked beautiful. Her hair was shorter right at her shoulders the pink ends gone. The twinkle lights around her making it look as if her eyes were shining. But something looked off. She couldn’t tell what it was but it was in Clarkes eyes.

When she stopped she didn’t let go of Anyas arm and Anya got pulled back.

“The hell Lexa?”

She watched as Clarke turned and took Anya in who she felt glaring at her. That’s when she became aware of still holding onto her. She wanted to pull her arm away but it was as if her body want listening to her mind.

“Clarke?”

Clarke head snapped up from Anya to look at Roan. She gave a small smile. It was fake.

“Better get in before Octavia and Lincoln show up.”

Clarke was gone as soon as the words were out of her mouth. And yet she had still yet to move or say a word since she realized who it was who was standing in front of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am actually excited for the episode tonight. I'm going to miss Lexa terribly. I began watching the show because I read the books. I shipped Bellarke in the books but Bellamy and Clarke are so different in the show from the book. And there was no Lexa but come on once Lexa became an option it was over she was perfection. No one else will compare to her <3


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Octavia and Lincolns Engagement. Clarke and Lexa must face each other.

**Lexas POV**

“Lexa we have to go in.”

She just stared at the door for a moment longer before turning to Roan and nodding her head, he had his worried face on. But he shouldn’t, she was okay the pain she usually felt that accompanied thinking about Clarke was gone for the moment.

She didn’t know what that meant. It scared her not knowing what it meant. But it was something she knew she wanted to figure out.

She took a deep breathe in and walked forward. There were people milling around but the inside was beautiful and what took her attention right away. The white lights were everywhere, the beautiful butterflies were flying all around. Along with the flowers that garden usually had Lincoln had white lilies spread throughout the entire place which were Octavias favorites. It was honestly breathtaking.

Anya pulled on her arm and smiled at her taking everything in around herself.

“This is amazing.”

She nodded her head but her attention was taken by Raven making her way towards them. Raven looked amazing, she turned to look at her brother whose jaw had literally dropped open. She laughed and untangled herself from Anyas hold and physically lifted his jaw.

He stopped staring at Raven long enough to glare at her but then Raven was standing in front of him.

“Hey guys how-“

Raven didn’t get to finish speaking because he pulled her into a kiss pulling her in by her waist.

She smiled watching them. They were pretty darn cute she even had to admit it to herself.

When Raven pulled away with a blush and a smack to his arm he just shrugged.

“You look beautiful.”

Raven smiled and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“Thank you. You guys look amazing too.”

Lexa nodded her head in thanks but noticed Raven inspecting Anya next to her more than anyone else.

“Oh, Raven this is Anya, Anya this is Roans girlfriend and my friend Raven.”

Both women just sort of seemed to stare at each other neither moving to shake hands or even to acknowledge that she had said anything. She nudged Anya with her elbow and glared at her for a moment until Anya stepped forward and put out a hand. Raven glanced between Anyas hand and Lexas face with a slight glare. She moved forward and shook her hand before stepping away again.

“I should go… Clarke seems to have disappeared.”

Lexa nodded her head and surveyed the space, the blonde had in fact seemed to have disappeared.

“We just saw her outside a moment ago, she came in here.”

“You saw Clarke already?”

She nodded her head.

“Damn it okay.”

She watched as Raven continued to survey the room unsure of where to look.

“Is everything okay?”

Raven glared at her for a moment before motioning for her to walk with her. She nodded her head and stepped away from both Anya and Roan knowing they would be fine alone as long as it wasn’t for too long. When she stood next to Raven in a corner away from everyone Raven began to speak.

“How could you bring someone and not let someone warn her?”

Raven stepped closer to her visibly trying to contain her anger so that no one but her would notice. She hadn’t done anything wrong and wasn’t going to made out to have. She stood taller and took a step closer to Raven now with her own glare.

“How about you ask instead of assuming Raven.”

“What is there to ask? You showed up today with some hot girl on your arm when you know how Clarke feels about you. Do you not care if you hurt her? Shes fucking going through enough with…. She doesn’t need this.”

She caught the almost slip up but decided to ignore it knowing she wouldn’t get Raven to tell her anything.

“You are assuming Raven. Anya is just a friend, don’t question me on what I do and don’t feel for Clarke because it is no ones business but my own.”

Raven glanced over at Anya who was watching them curiously. Raven gave her a small smile before turning back to her.

“So you aren’t here as a thing?”

She rolled her eyes. “No.”

Raven sighed out in relief. But began scanning around once again.

“You are worried about Clarke?”

She nodded her head. “If Clarke saw you guys together she will think you guys came together as a thing too, that’s not going to end well.”

She nodded her head and looked around too. “Go with Roan, play nice with Anya too please, they fight a lot. I will look for her.”

Ravens head snapped to look at her. She nodded her head and walked towards Roan and Anya stopping to shake Anyas hand once again with a real smile this time. She rolled her eyes then. Raven was so protective of Clarke sometimes, but she knew Clarke needed it once in awhile. She sighed and began looking around the garden but couldn’t see Clarke anywhere.

She would have had to pass her in order to come out the same way they had gone in so she began walking towards the actual exit on the other side of the garden. She tightened her coat around herself when she stepped outside. It had already grown darker and she began walking the path outside.

She stopped when she saw a figure tracing the letters on one of the signs recognizing her immediately.

“Clarke?”

She saw Clarke stiffen in the way she stood but she didn’t turn to face her. She reached out a hand and let it drop before taking a deep breathe in and reaching forward once again reaching for the hand that had been tracing the letters of the sign.

**Clarkes POV**

She walked inside quickly but she felt her heart hammering inside of her and she couldn’t breathe the air was to warm so she kept walking, not looking at anyone around her. When she was outside she took a deep breath in a looked up biting her lip.

Raven was right, Lexa was here with someone else. She had moved on and she felt like an idiot for waiting for her hoping for so long that maybe one day Lexa would trust her enough to give her her heart. She closed her eyes and all she saw was the way Lexa used to look at her with so much love, a look that she had taken for granted. One she was probably never going to see again.

She began walking away from the garden knowing she would have to make her way back soon, because this night wasn’t about her and it wasn’t about Lexa either.

She walked over to one of the signs that lined the path and began reading it. She read it over and over again until she had it memorized and could probably say the whole thing without looking at it again. She reached forward and began tracing the letters trying to empty her mind enough to go back in.

When she heard footsteps coming down the path she tried to block them out and hope whoever it was would walk past her without saying anything. When the footsteps stopped near her she almost turned around to see who it was, almost.

“Clarke?”

Her entire body tensed.

Lexa.

She stopped tracing the letters but didn’t turn around, she didn’t have the courage right now, because it was time. She had to give up the fantasy in her mind that everything would eventually work itself out Lexa had someone. She wouldn’t stand in the way of her happiness.

When Lexa reached out and took her hand she closed her eyes for a moment, she had missed her simple touch for so long and the moment she turned she was sure it would be taken away from her.

She took a breathe in and turned to see Lexa watching her with question in her eyes. She didn’t pull away right away but squeezed Clarkes hand reassuringly with a small smile before releasing her and shoving her hands into her own pockets.

“Why did you come out here?”

She shrugged her shoulders and looked around trying to look at anything other than Lexa in this moment. It hurt too much.

“I needed a moment to….breathe.”

Lexa didn’t say anything for a moment but instead moved closer so she was leaning against the sign. Neither was facing the other but looking at the darkness that was growing around them.

“Ask me.”

She turned her head to take in Lexas face but Lexa was just looking forward legs crossed leaning back as if they hadn’t spent months without talking to each other.

“Ask you what?”

Lexa shrugged her shoulders glancing at her quickly before facing forward again.

“Just ask Clarke.”

She took a deep breath in looking around them. She didn’t want to talk, she spent months wishing for this for Lexa to talk to her but now she was wondering if she could run away instead. They stood in silence neither saying anything else. Lexa kept shifting her weight from foot to foot.

Clarke glanced down and saw she was wearing the shoes that always killed her after ten minutes of walking. Everytime they had gone out before she had to switch shoes with someone to make it through the night. She smiled quickly and looked forward again.

“Why would you wear those?”

Lexa shrugged her shoulders and shifted her weight again. She wasn’t going to let her change the subject that easily it seemed.

“If we miss the proposal I’m blaming you.”

She rolled her eyes and took a step towards the garden knowing they had to get back inside.

“Clarke. Ask me.”

She turned and saw Lexa was facing her looking so open. She went to run her hands through her hair but stopped when she realized it would mess it up.

“So you are with someone?”

Lexa seemed to search her face for something else and she wondered if she would find whatever it was she was looking for. Lexa eyes landed on hers and she shook her head no slowly.

She let out a breath she hadn’t known she had been holding and nodded her head.

“Anya is a coworker and friend. She is annoying with how flirty she is but she doesn’t ever mean what she says.” She seemed to think about something and made a disgusted face. “At least I hope not.”

She didn’t know what to say. So she just nodded her head.

“Raven was looking for you.”

She nodded her head. Lexa nodded her head in response before walking past her and towards the garden. When she reached the doors she turned and saw that Clarke was still standing there.

“Are you coming?”

She nodded her head quickly and walked fast enough to catch up with Lexa who was holding the door open for her.

When they stepped inside Lexa walked quickly to where Roan, Raven, and Anya were standing and talking. She froze unsure if she keep following her, yes she had spoken to her outside but that didn’t mean Lexa would welcome her presence now.

**Lexas POV**

She was proud of herself, extremely, she was able to talk to Clarke without having a mini heart attack or feeling the need to be closer to her. Yes she knew she still had feelings for her but it felt as if she was in control of them now unlike before when they were in control of her. Her heart still skipped a beat at the site of her but she had come to accept that it might always do that. When she held her hand it wasn’t as hard to let go as she swore it would be, maybe she could handle this now.

She spotted their friends and began walking towards them. She made eye contact with Roan as she walked and he still seemed concerned so she smiled and nodded at him. He nodded in response before tuning back in to what Raven was saying.

When she stood in front of Raven, Raven looked behind her and began walking away. She watched to see where she was going and noticed that Clarke had stopped walking with her and was standing by the door still. She sighed knowing that she had done this to her, making Clarke uncertain about what to do, she had taken away her confidence and she felt the pain of doing that to her in her chest.

She turned and walked quickly trying not to wince as her feet were already killing her. She passed Raven letting her hand brush Ravens shoulder to let her know she had this.

Clarke watched her walk towards her with a suspicious look. She took a deep breath in hoping she was doing the right thing.

“We are here for Octavia and Lincoln, so can you just come and be with our friends?”

“Are you sure?”

She looked at her examining everything that seemed so different. “Clarke, just come on. Just be yourself, act as if I’m not there if you must, but I don’t want anyone to feel awkward.”

Clarke looked at her and nodded her head looking towards where Roan was standing. “I could never pretend you weren’t there though.”

She felt her heart jump and cursed herself. She rolled her eyes, “Okay no flirting Griffin.”

Clarke looked at her and smiled shrugging her shoulders. “You said be myself.”

She turned away from Clarke and rolled her eyes. She began walking away but checked quickly over her shoulder to make sure Clarke was actually walking with her this time and she was.

Raven was taking Roan and Anyas coats and eyed both her and Clarke when they joined the group together. She motioned for them to hand her their coats which they did. When she had her coat off she turned and froze staring at Clarke.

She had a white dress that hugged every curve in just the right way, she was completely covered and the dress wasn’t sluty but she swore it was made especially for Clarke. Her legs looked long in them with the black heals she was wearing. She was completely checking her out and it was like she couldn’t help it. Her mind was telling her to look away but everything else in her wanted to just stare.

“Hey guys.”

Her eyes snapped away from Clarke and she was entirely grateful for Lunas interruption. She turned to see her walking over with a man arm around her waist. That was new.

She felt Roans eyes on her probably trying to gage what her reaction would be but she was honestly just confused.

Luna walked to her making the man release her. She pressed a soft kiss to her cheek before stepping back into his arm.

“This is Atom we met at work.” Lexa nodded her head, Atom stuck out his hand for her to shake and she took it right away letting the surprise at him being there go. “It’s nice to meet you Atom how do you like working in a school?”

He smiled at her brightly, “It has gotten better since this one started a few weeks ago.” She nodded her head and smiled.

“She tends to have that effect.” She stepped back allowing Luna to introduce Atom to everyone else of the group. She wondered why Luna had never mentioned him. But she looked happy and that was what mattered most.

Anya moved closer to her and began whispering in her ear. “I’m sorry Luna is your ex correct?”

She nodded her head and didn’t say anything.

“And you are okay with her showing up with some guy?”

She rolled her eyes and took a step back so she could see Anyas face. “Luna and I are friends now, she is the best person I have ever met. If he makes her happy then I’m happy for her.”

Anya looked at her skeptically but nodded her head. She turned and looked at Raven and Clarke who were talking closely and it looked to be serious.

“She however is so… I cant even think of the right word to describe her.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Clarke?”

Anya nodded her head not taking her eyes off of her. Clarke looked up then catching them watching her and gave a small smile before returning to her conversation.

Lexa turned and stood so she was blocking Anyas view of Clarke.

“Nope not happening.”

“Lexaaaaa come on.”

She shook her head and Anya seemed to see how serious she was. “Fine, shes all yours then.”

Before she could say anything else Jasper ran into garden saying that Octavia and Lincoln would be there any second for everyone to be quiet. Raven ran over to a speaker getting ready to press play on the song Lincoln had chosen. They had spent hours looking for the perfect one.

Everyone quieted down and looked towards the entrance they knew they would be coming in through. Her heart began to pound with excitement knowing that today two of her friends would be starting their futures together.

When the door opened Octavia and Lincoln walked in, her jaw dropped when she saw everyone standing around the garden. Raven pressed play on the music. Truly Madly Deeply by savage garden began playing.

Octavia looked around at all her friends, her eyes froze somewhere and Lexa turned around to see Bellamy with tears in his eyes.

Lincoln took Octavias hand and brought her to the middle of the room.

“Will you dance with me?”

She nodded her head and Lexa could see from far that there were tears in her eyes as she nodded her head yes. Lincoln pulled her in close and they began slow dancing. She could tell with the movement of his lips that he was singing the song to her.

Once the song ended Lincoln stepped away from her but held onto her hands.

“Octavia Marie Blake. I have loved you from the moment I saw you. I know we haven’t been together very long but I have never been more sure of anything other than I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to be the man who makes you happy every single day because your smile is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. You are so kind and loving and everything I could ever ask of a partner and more. Baby you make me feel like the luckiest man in the world and I can only hope to be deserving of you when I know I’m not. I can only try to be everything you could ever want or need. So I asked everyone we know, everyone we both care about to be here today so they can hear me ask you this.” Lincoln looked to Bellamy who walked forward handing him the ring box. He quickly hugged Octavia, who as fully crying now with a smile on her, and then stepped back again.

Lincoln bent down on one knee but before he could even say anything Octavia dropped down with him.

“Yes.”

He smiled at her and combed a piece of hair out of her face.

“I haven’t asked yet.”

“Answer is still going to be yes.”

Everyone laughed at her eagerness and she looked up smiling with a blush.

“Octavia, will you marry me?”

She threw herself at him pressing a kiss to his lips that seemed to last forever. They stood up continuing to kiss. When they broke apart Lincoln began laughing.

“Now you say yes O.”

She smacked his shoulder playfully.

“I would love to be your wife Lincoln. Yes.”

He removed the ring from the box and put it on her finger. All around people began cheering and screaming their congratulations.

**Clarkes POV**

Octavia and Lincoln began doing their rounds of thanking everyone for coming, she watched Octavia show her ring off to everyone with a smile.

Raven walked over to her with Roan, Lexa, Anya, and Bellamy trailing behind.

“Do you want that someday guys?”

She saw Raven watching Lincoln and Octavia and nodded her head. She couldn’t help but glance at Lexa who was also watching them.

“It’s an amazing feeling.”

Everyone turned to watch Lexa who seemed to not realize she had spoken out loud. She looked over to see everyone watching her.

“And you know what that feels like?”

Lexa nodded her head at Anyas question.

“So why aren’t you happily married?”

Roan took a step forward.

“Anya stop.” Clarke recognized Roans protective big brother stance right away. Lexa put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed to make him relax.

“She died, Anya.”

“So that’s it? You don’t think there is anyone else out there for you?”

Clarke looked away then not wanting to hear the answer. She began walking towards Luna and her date to have something to distract her.

**Lexas POV**

“So that’s it? You don’t think there is anyone else out there for you?”

She didn’t know why she was talking about Costia, she never spoke about her. She saw movement in her peripheral vision. She didn’t answer Anya out loud. But as she saw Clarke walk away the only thing she thought was, perhaps there is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is well. I love hearing from you guys so much, honestly it is what keeps me writing. Let me know what you think.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Realized I named Luna's guy Wells even though he is dead sooooo his name is now Atom sorry! Lol

**Lexas POV**

She couldn’t take it anymore she was dying, she was going to lose both feet. She huffed and stared at her feet as if they were betraying her.

“Ready to switch?”

She looked up and saw Clarke watching her with an amused expression. She rolled her eyes and shifted her weight to one foot trying her best not to wince but failing completely.

“I’m fine.”

“I know you enough to know you’re not.”

“I’m going home soon. I can make it.”

Clarke watched her for a moment before shrugging her shoulders. “You are hurting yourself more than me by being stubborn.”

She glared at Clarke who was smiling at her, but she held the glare for too long because Clarkes smile dropped a moment later and that questioning look on her face came back as if she didn’t know what to do.

She sighed and lifted one leg up to be able to take her shoe off. Clarke did the same with some hesitation.

When she was no longer being tortured by the shoes and wore Clarkes instead she sighed in slight relief. Switching from one heal to another wasn’t going to fix the problem one hundred percent but it helped a lot.

She watched as Clarke put her shoes on without saying another word.

“Thank you.”

Clarke looked up and nodded her head but her smile was still gone. Raven came bounding over to them obviously intoxicated as Roan followed behind her with an amused expression. When Raven got close enough she threw her arms around both of their shoulders.

“So now that you guys know how to play nice we need to start planning my birthday! Oh and we can finally go back to having just one group chat!”

She looked at Clarke over Raven head who had the same confused expression that she was sure she did.

“You had two different group chats?”

Raven nodded her head. “Do you know how annoying it is to have the same conversations twice?”

 “You guys didn’t have to do that.”

Raven nodded her head. “We did, we did it for you and then we can’t talk to you about clarkes dad so.” She shrugged her shoulders and froze her eyes widening her head turning to see Clarke whose eyes were wider before she cooled her features.

“Your dad?”

Clarke didn’t look at her but instead glared at Raven who had let go of both of them. “I didn’t mean to I swear oh my god.”

Roan walked over seeing Raven was in distress and took one of her hands in his own. He must have overheard what happened because he looked at Clarke apologetically.

“Lets let these two talk. I’m going to drop Raven off and I will take Anya back to our place too.”

She just nodded her head watching as Clarkes face seemed to have a million emotions flashing.

Roan and Raven walked towards Anya who seemed to be getting along well with Luna and her date.

She breathed in deeply motioning for Clarke stand where she was and walked over to get their coats. She held both of their coats and stood across the garden taking a deep breath in and watching Clarke from far.

This is what she had wanted, to know. Now she was scared, because here was this girl who she had pushed away for months to protect herself. She knows she hurt Clarke by doing so, Clarke hurt her too. Yet Clarke was going through something she had no idea about. This tug of war between them had been exhausting and she just wanted it to end and what if by listening to Clarke tonight she was throwing herself back in.

Was that something she could survive? She didn’t know but she was going to try anyway. She wasn’t here to be with Clarke but she wanted to know, she wanted to know everything before she hurt the girl standing waiting for her because that was her instinct one that she couldn’t seem to shake. Protect Clarke Griffin, but at what price, was she willing to lose herself in the process?

She shook her head, she was strong, she could do this. She walked over to Clarke who hadn’t moved at all. She passed her, her coat and put her own on. Once Clarke closed hers they began walking out of the garden. She didn’t know where they were going. So she walked out of the garden, she knew it wouldn’t be long before the zoo closed. She began walking towards sea lions knowing there would be plenty of benches in that area.

When they got there she sat down and waited for Clarke to sit next to her. Neither had spoken the entire walk. When Clarke sat she turned so she could see her face trying to let her know she was waiting.

**Clarkes POV**

Her heart was beating fast since the moment Raven uttered those words. She wasn’t ready, she hated having everyones pity, but having Lexas pity would be worst of all. She felt weak already she didn’t want people looking at her as if they knew she was.

When Lexa sat and turned to her she couldn’t do the same. She didn’t want to this.

“Clarke?”

She winced at the sound of Lexas voice.

“Please talk to me.”

She almost laughed out loud at the words because that is what she had been wishing for from Lexa for months.

“My dad is dying Lexa.”

She saw Lexa snap back in her peripheral vision.

“How?”

“Does it matter? It’s happening and its terminal.”

She waited for the I’m sorry that she got from everyone as of they had poisoned him months ago or something. It never came. Lexa just sat back seeming to get more comfortable, not saying another word. She was waiting for something but it seemed as if nothing was going to happen.

They sat in silence for about twenty minutes, her heart had finally calmed down and she felt relaxed enough to sit back. The announcement came that the park would be closing in the next fifteen minutes. Yet still Lexa said nothing.

“That’s it?”

Lexa turned and looked at her but it was the same way she had been looking at her all night, a slight curiousness to her eyes yet guarded at the same time. She missed the way she would look at her before, like she saw the world when she saw her. How her nose would scrunch when she smiled really big. Or how she looked so young when she was sleeping, it made her want to do anything she could to protect her yet she had hurt her. It was beginning to feel like she would never see her that way again.

“I can’t do anything to change what is happening, and it sounds like neither can you. Sometimes that’s just how life is and you have to be strong enough to survive it.”

She felt tears coming to her eyes.

“I don’t think I’m strong enough Lexa. I’m not sure I can do this alone.”

She turned to see Lexa giving her a sad smile. “You have been surviving it.”

She shook her head. “I found out after you left, you weren’t here that’s how I…. why I was sleeping with Niylah. I’m not good at death.”

“Are you sleeping with anyone now or drinking like you were then?”

She shook your head.

“Why did you stop?”

“For you. I need you and I will do what I have to because I don’t think I can do it without you Lexa. I need you.”

She watched as Lexa closed her eyes and took a deep breathe in. She didn’t say anything and her heart was pounding once again.

“You don’t need me. You are strong Clarke, you always have been, don’t be better for me. Be better for yourself because you deserve to have a good life Clarke, you deserve to do more than survive with or without me.”

Her eyes widened at her words because though it felt like a rejection it was so much more. Since all of this happened she had focused on being better for Lexa. But…… Lexa was right she deserved to be happy with or without her. She had found happiness in moments over the months none having to do with Lexa. She smiled remembering them.

Lexa was watching her to see how she would react but she was honestly just trying to process what she said still. So she just nodded her head.

“Tell your dad….  I don’t know. Tell him you aren’t alone.”

She turned to see what that meant.

“I don’t know how we do this but we are driving our friends crazy. So just maybe we don’t make them do separate crap so we… so I won’t see you?”

She nodded her head. She could definitely do that. She smiled slightly. “One group chat?”

Lexa gave a light laugh, “Yes one group message.”

The last announcement came saying that the zoo was officially closed. They both stood at the same time and began walking towards the exit.

“How did you get here?”

“I drove.”

Her eyesbrows shot up. “Drove what?”

Lexa smirked at her over her shoulder. “I finally got a car again.”

“You haven’t had a car since Costia though.”

She saw Lexa falter in her footsteps when she said Costias name and she regretted saying that almost immediately.

“I’m sorry.”

Lexa shook her head. “It’s fine. You’re right.”

They walked in silence towards the parking lot. When they got to the car she whistled out loud. Lexa rolled her eyes and unlocked the doors.  They both got in and before Lexa could start driving she asked what had been on her mind all night.

“You never told me you were engaged.” Okay maybe more of a statement then a question.

Lexa looked at her. Her expression was hard to read because of how dark it was. But she took a deep breath leaning back in her seat releasing the wheel.

“No, I didn’t.”

“Why?”

“Because me and Costia, that’s for me to remember and no one else.”

“You don’t have to deal with the loss of her on your own.”

“I have done it this long I can continue to do it.”

She turned and reached for Lexas hand hesitating only a moment when Lexa didn’t move away from her. She squeezed her hand.

“Lexa just because you are strong doesn’t mean you have to be all the time.”

Lexa snatched her hand away quickly once she had let the words out.

“There is no other way for me, this is how I survive.”

“Why do you think I deserve more than just surviving but you don’t?”

**Lexas POV**

“Why do you think I deserve more than just surviving but you don’t?”

She didn’t say anything, she didn’t know what to say. So she started driving. Clarke didn’t push her to answer either which she appreciated.

She parked outside of Clarkes building, wondering if Luna was home yet. Clarke didn’t make a move to get up. She looked like she wanted to say something so she waited taking out her phone to text Luna.

Lexa: You home yet?

She got an instant reply.

Luna: Yes

Luna: Still with Clarke?

Lexa: Yes. We are downstairs in the car. I’m tired.

Luna: Come up, sleep over.

She looked over at Clarke for a moment. She really didn’t feel like driving home. She took her keys out. Clarke watched her with curiousity.

“Luna said Icould stay over…. If that’s okay with you?”

Clarke nodded her head but didn’t move.

“The letter?”

She looked at Clarke and shook her head.

“Why?”

“Soon, Clarke just not yet…. Promises still stand?”

Clarke nodded her head.

She doesn’t know why she asked that because she was pretty sure what those promises were.

“If you find someone you can fall in love with don’t wait for me okay?”

“Lexa.”

She shook her head quickly but Clarke continued.

“I can’t fall in love with anyone Lexa, I’m in love with you.”

Your heart began pounding everything in you said yes but apart of your heart, the one that would forever belong to Costia said no. That part of your head that remembered  seeing Clarke with Niylah said no, the part that said you couldn’t do this again said no. So you shook your head no.

“Don’t be in love with me.”

Even with the darkness around her, she could see Clarke glare at her. “Don’t tell me what to feel. But you were right earlier, I can be okay without you, I have been in this time, I was before I met you. Loving you doesn’t make me weak it makes me stronger.”

She shook her head and leaned forward pressing it to the wheel. “I can’t Clarke. Please don’t push this, please don’t”

Clarke stood silent but put her hand on her shoulder.

“I won’t push you. Not on this ever, if you ever want to be with me that way I want you to do it because you want to and that’s it. I can take whatever you give me Lexa nothing more.”

“Damn it Clarke don’t just sit here waiting for me. It isn’t fair to you. It will just make me feel guilty. It will make me resent you.”

She didn’t mean to yell she didn’t but it felt as if there was something sitting on her chest making it hard for her to breathe.

She waited for her to yell back because this is what they did this was the tug of war she wanted nothing to do with.

“Lexa?” She lifted her head to look at Clarke. “My dad is dying, I’m not going to focus on finding someone new to fall in love with. I’m also not going to be spending my time chasing you, I have bigger things to worry about. I don’t need to go out with guys or girls I just need my friends and I want that to include you again. I’m not asking you to love me the way I love you.”

With that Clarke opened her door and stepped out of the car. She walked up towards the building door and stood there holding the door waiting for her to follow. She opened her own door and did.

When they got upstairs she went straight to Lunas room closing the door behind herself and taking a deep breath in. Luna rolled over and looked at her pointing towards her dresser. She nodded and grabbed some pajamas putting them on.

She climbed into the bed.

“How did it go?”

She closed her eyes and moved closer to Luna seeking out her warmth.

“Atom seems nice.”

Luna smiled, the smile that used to be reserved for her.

“You like him a lot, don’t you?”

 Luna nodded her head and ducked it under the covers.

Lexa smiled and ducked her own head under.

“I’m happy for you.”

Luna turned her head so they were looking at each other.

“Yeah?”

“Yes.” She leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Lunas forehead.

“You and Clarke?”

Lexa shrugged her shoulders.

“Will she make you happy?”

Lexa shrugged her shoulders.

“Shes a good friend.”

Lexa rolled her eyes. “I know.”

“So maybe you start there.”


	23. Chapter 23

**Lexas POV**

_She walked along trying to clear her head, heart pounding as it always was in this dream. This nightmare._

_She needed to find her, she needed to save her. She never did. Every time she felt the pull telling her not to walk away, yet she could never stop herself, she couldn’t change the decision she made then. But she always tried, she had to._

_So she went to the rode, the same one every time. She saw the big truck driving down the road. She turned and watched as Costia drove, she stood so far but could see her so clearly. She stepped between them as they got closer and closer._

_Costias eyes widened as she realized the truck was heading straight towards her. She tried to turn out of way. Lexa prayed that this time it would work. This time the dream would end differently. This time she wouldn’t be left all alone._

_It never ended that way. She closed her eyes squeezing them tight. When she opened them she was in the car. She looked to the divers side unable to stop herself._

_But it was different this time, this time it was Clarke. Her heart began beating faster and faster as she turned and saw the truck getting closer and closer. This couldn’t be happening. But it was._

_“Clarke! Stop the car!”_

_Costia usually never heard her, she didn’t expect Clarke to hear her but she did._

_Clarkes head snapped over to look at her. Their eyes connected and she felt like she couldn’t breathe._

_“Stop the car Clarke.”_

_Clarke looked from the truck that was slowly getting closer and closer as if time was slowing down so that this moment could happen. She turned back and looked at her this time with tears in her eyes._

_“I can’t stop it.”_

_“Please try, please don’t leave me too.”_

_She felt tears streaming down her face. She watched as Clarkes fingers tightened around the steering wheel._

_“I’m scared Lexa.”_

_She shook her head and tried to move to touch her but no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t move. Clarke stared out as the truck got closer._

_“Don’t be scared, this isn’t real. It can’t be real. I’m right here with you, Clarke. I’m not going anywhere okay?”_

_Clarke turned to look at her._

_“You aren’t here. You always leave.”_

_Before she could say anything she was out of the car once more standing on the side as the truck smashed into the small car._

_“Clarke!” She dropped to her knees with tears streaming down her face knowing that just like Costia there was no way Clarke could have survived._

“Lexa! Please wake up.”

Her eyes snapped open and she sat up quickly. Luna scooted back to give her some room. She had tears streaming down her face.

Lexa reached forward and wiped the tears away with a small smile, that’s when she realized her own face was wet with her own tears. She wiped her face quickly.

“I’m sorry I woke you.”

Luna shook her head and lunged forward half on top of her in order to pull her into a hug. She scared her, she knew she did because she was completely terrified herself. Luna pulled away after a few moments with a small smile.

“Do you want me to get Clarke?”

At the sound of her name Lexa felt the fear she felt in the dream come back full force. She began to shake slightly. Luna stood up but she grabbed her hand before she could walk away.

“No, leave her. I’m okay really.”

 Luna stared at her for a moment before nodding and sitting back down.

“You started saying her name over and over again. What happened in your dream?”

She shook her head. “I don’t want to talk about it.” She looked over and saw it six in the morning. She stood up and ran her fingers through her hair.

“Do you mind if I shower before I leave? I’m a mess.”

Luna just nodded her head and motioned for her to go over to the dresser. She wondered if it was weird that she still had a drawer full of clothes here or a toothbrush in the bathroom. Right now she was just grateful for it.

She walked towards the door and closed it behind herself before taking a deep breath in. She glanced towards Clarke room, every part of her wanted so bad to go and just lay down with her to see that she was okay. But that wouldn’t be fair to her, she couldn’t play with Clarkes emotions without figuring out her own.

Because she forgave Clarke for Niylah, she really did but something inside of her was holding back, something kept her from giving Clarke her all. She didn’t know how to change that. Blaming it on Clarke being with Niylah was wrong because that was like her trying to make a healed scar bleed again.

She stepped into the bathroom and took all of her clothing off staring at herself in the mirror, eyes swollen from tears she couldn’t remember shedding.

She turned the water on and closed the curtain, turning the water on as hot as it could possibly go. It burned her skin and she wondered if the dream would have went on if she would have seen Costias car burst into flames.

She sunk down to the shower floor, pulling her knees up so she could lay her head on them. She closed her eyes wishing her mind would stop playing the dream over and over again. She just wanted to scream.

She didn’t hear a knock on the door, she didn’t hear when it opened. She realized someone else was there only when the shower curtain was pulled back and Luna looked at her as if she was broken.

Luna crouched down leaning on the edge of the tub to lift her face.

“Lexa?”

She closed her eyes and once again felt the tears begin to fall.

“Can you get out?”

She shook her head no.

Luna nodded her head and grabbed a towel. She turned the shower off and placed the towel over her shoulders, a part of her wanted to laugh at the gesture, it wasn’t as if Luna didn’t know her body as much as she did herself.

But then Luna climbed into the tub fully clothed and sat behind her one leg on either side of her body pulling her into her. Trying to comfort her.

“What happened in the dream, maybe if you tell me I can help you.”

She didn’t say anything for a few minutes and Luna didn’t push her. She was trying to be brave to be strong.

“When I have bad dreams they are always watching Costia die. They have happened ever since that night. Sometimes I can go a really long time without having one. They are usually exactly the same. It hurts Luna.” She closed her eyes wishing she could disappear or rip her heart out of her chest. Would it hurt as much if it were outside of her body?

“This dream started like the others, leaving Costia only to watch from the side of the road as the truck gets closer. I always try and make myself stay with her but it never works I can never choose what I do. I saw her when she noticed the truck from her car, the fear in her face. Then I usually am in the car with her for her last seconds and they seem to always slow down and I watch as she cries. She died crying because of me.”

Still Luna said nothing. Just squeezed her a little tighter. She wasn’t sure but it felt like Lunas arms were the only thing keeping her body from shattering into a million pieces. She took a deep breath and went on.

“Except when I was in the car it wasn’t her it was Clarke. She was so scared and I couldn’t do anything to save her. I didn’t think the dream could ever get worse but tonight it did. I tried to tell her it would be okay that I was there for her but she said I wasn’t because all I ever do is leave, and she was right Luna. That’s why Costia died because I left her, I was selfish and stupid. And now I’m hurting Clarke too.”

She couldn’t hold it in anymore she began sobbing her body shaking in Lunas arms as she let every emotion that she tried so hard to always fight to always hide, the loss, the fear, the loneliness. Luna didn’t say anything she just held her until she could breathe again.

“Can I tell you something?”

She nodded her head.

“I think I knew even before we started dating that you could never love me the way I loved you. But sometimes when you were really sad you would look at me and smile and I would think maybe I can make her happy.”

She looked over shoulder and gave her a small smile, “You did.”

Luna nodded her head and returned the smile. “I still knew though, I just wished I could change it. It wasn’t my fault you didn’t love me that way, it wasn’t even Clarkes. I think that’s what this is Lexa.”

Luna took a deep breath taking a moment before going on. “You are still in love with Costia, that’s why we didn’t work, not because of Clarke, because honestly I think that’s why you push her away too. I think you’re scared because you love Clarke too, I can tell you do because you look at her how I used to wish you would look at me but then its like you realize it and you shut down.”

“In your dream, Costia turns into Clarke and you lose both of them in that one instant, that one accident. You are going to lose Clarke because you won’t let go of Costia. I don’t think you can handle losing her Lexa, you can’t let your soulmate go a second time.”

She wanted to rip herself out of Lunas arms because this wasn’t what she wanted to hear. Luna loosened her grip once she stopped speaking as if she expected her to bolt. Because that’s what she always did, not this time though.

“You can’t have two soulmates, saying Clarke is mine is basically saying Costia wasn’t.” She turned so she could look into Lunas eyes. “Costia was my soulmate.”

“Well then I think you are very lucky to have two Lexa.”

“That’s not possible.”

Luna stood up and bent down making her stand to. She tightened the towel around herself as Luna stepped out of the tub pulling her with her.

“What does your heart tell you?”

She didn’t say anything out loud because she knew Luna already knew the answer, one she wished she could have kept down and buried, because the truth was she was in love with Clarke Griffin, she felt like she had been her entire life and by feeling that way she felt as if she were betraying the woman she could never seem to let go.


	24. Chapter 24

Three Weeks Later

**Lexas POV**

She picked the unopened letter from the table in between them flipping it over repeatedly.

“Are you ready?”

She looked up and tried to pass the letter to the man sitting across from her but he just shook his head and pointed at her.

“I said you had to open it…. If you want to know what it says.”

He was nice but stubborn. She rolled her eyes and once again just stared at the letter she held in her hands.

“Why are you scared?”

She didn’t look up. “You know why.”

“Yes, I do but maybe saying them out loud again will help you find the strength to do this.”

She sighed and looked at him. Kane was a very frustrating person, he knew what she was feeling yet always wanted her to voice them, he thought voicing her fears would give her strength.

She glared at him but sighed at the same time. He stared at her as if he was challenging her and it took every ounce of strength she had not to grab the pillow next her and hurl it at his head.

“Alexandria.”

She didn’t mean to but the growl escaped her lips before she could stop it.

“Sorry, Lexa. This is your time to talk, it’s what you came here for.”

She nodded her head and took a deep breath. “I’m in love with two women, one of them is dead. You can’t really be in love with two people at once, so I’m learning to let Costia go because…. It’s time.”

“What makes it time?”

“Clarke?”

“Why do you say that as if it is question and not your answer?”

She hated when he did that she honestly did. She glanced over at the pillow once again, how much trouble would she really get into for throwing it.

“Because Clarke should not be the reason. She isn’t the main reason, but she has influenced me, she makes me want to be better for myself and her. She makes me want to try.”

Kane nodded his head and folded his hands on his lap and gave her that toothy grin of his.

“So why are you afraid of reading the letter?”

“Because once I read it I feel like I have to make a decision. I know she said she made some promises to me in this and I can’t act like I have no clue what they are and I won’t lie if she asks me if I have read it. She deserves the truth.”

“Does her dads sickness have an effect on you rushing to figure this out?”

Her head snapped up so fast and she felt very defensive of Clarke in that moment though she knew he meant nothing wrong by his question.

He put his hands up as if to show her he was simply inquiring.

“I will be there for Clarke if she wants me to be. I won’t turn my back on her when she needs me most.”

“Isn’t that why she didn’t tell you he was sick in the first place? She thought you would feel guilty and go back to her?”

“I’m not sleeping with her! We text in the group chat and hang out with our mutual friends. I’m not just going for it. We wouldn’t work if I did. I can be there for her as a friend for now, anything more will come later.”

She took a deep breath trying to calm herself down.

“Okay.” She rolled her eyes and gripped the letter. Now or never.

**Clarkes POV**

FLASHBACK

She wanted to express to Lexa how sorry she was that she had done this to them done this to her, but she couldn’t blame any of this on her dad. It wasn’t right. She was weak but she swore she would be strong from now on. Strong enough for both of them.

_Lexa,_

_I don’t know when you will read this or if you ever will. I really hope you read this, though even as I write it I don’t know what it is I am trying to say. I know you want nothing to do with me right now and I do not know how long that will last, I know how stubborn you are. Remember when I smacked your bagel out of yoru hand and you didn’t speak to me for a whole day and even then you refused to speak until I got you the same exact bagel from your favorite place? Yeah this might take a very long time._

_Maybe that is what I am trying to tell you? I am sorry I hurt you Lex. If I could take it back I swear I would. But I’m not capable of that so I will wait for you as long as it takes, I will wait for you to not hate me anymore. Sometimes when I think about us I think about all of the times we fought over the stupidest things. (Did Ross cheat or were they on a break?) But then I think of all of the good times, and Lexa there is much more good than bad. I wish I knew how to show you that, one day I will, I swear it._

_Remember the night we met and I hit on you right away? You have taken my breath away from the moment I met you. You are the most beautiful person I have ever met inside and out, I cannot fathom that I may have lost you for good. How could it be possible to live a life without you once I know how good life can be with you? I refuse to think this could actually be our end, seeing you, how I hurt you.. I think a part of me didn’t realize how much you actually do (did?) care for me. I’m sorry it took me realizing how much I could hurt you to see it, to see what had always been in your eyes. You gave me your heart and I didn’t notice it until you took it back._

_I love you, I thought I knew how much already Lexa, I didn’t. I guess it is true you don’t realize what you have until it is gone. Please don’t be gone for good? I barely had you, I messed us up before we ould really start didn’t I? I shouldn’t be asking this of you. It’s selfish isn’t it, maybe that’s always been our problem, I’m selfish. Let me be selfish this last time? Because if you give me one more chance I swear I will be yours for the rest of my life. This isn’t some silly crush, I know this is it, you are the one for me. I’ve never felt this for anyone else before maybe it’s something you only feel once. If you cannot ever forgive me, or give me another chance at least I felt it for the time I did and I will cherish it for the rest of my life._

_My heart is yours, don’t come to me for me Lexa, come to me because you love me too. God I really hope you can still love me. I can wait and I will and if one day I see you are happy with someone else then I will know it is too late. Your happiness matters to me more than anything and if that means we aren’t going to be together, well then I think that is the only way I can be okay with this, with no us. If a day comes and you find the person who you think is the love of your life I will let go._

_I think I have loved you from the moment I met you and I’m sure I will love you until my last breath and even then. Maybe someday I will get the chance to prove it you if not I understand._

_With Love_

_Clarke Griffin_

_P.S. THEY WERE ON A BREAK!_

_P.S.S. I will totally say they weren’t if it means that much to you <3_

_P.S.S.S. You’re my lobster._

She stared at the letter, wondering if this was enough. It wasn’t she knew it wasn’t but it was all she had at the moment and she meant every single word she had written down. When she looked up and saw how much time had passed she knew she had to go.

**Present**

She looked at him sleeping and knew this was it, his life was coming to an end and she could do nothing but stand by and watch. She had been going to see her parents every weekend these past few months since she learned the truth. She knew he wanted her to keep living her life so she tried. He was trying to make his loss more bearable. It would never be.

She climbed onto the bed pressing her head to his chest listening to his heart beat.

“Hows my little girl?”

She lifted her head and looked at him but the moment her eyes met his, she felt tears begin falling down her cheeks. She buried her face into his chest trying to hide them but it was too late, she was so tired of being strong all the time, here and back at home.

She felt him combing through her hair gently trying to calm her down. He shouldn’t have to do this. She was supposed to be there for him not the other way around. She tried to pull away but he wouldn’t let her.

“I’ve got you Clarke.”

So she stood there letting him comfort her, letting her father take care of her for maybe one of the last times. She isn’t sure how long they stood that way, only that her mother came in and stepped back out when her father shook his head at her.

She gently lifted her head so she could see his face again. It was then she noticed that he had been crying his own tears.

“I’m scared.” He nodded his head at her.

“Me too.”

“I’m staying here.”

He shook his head at her sadly.

“No, you are going back.”

“Daddy.”

He pulled her down and pressed a kiss to her forehead,” I will be here next weekend I promise.”

She shook her head at him. “You can’t promise that.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Trust me, I feel it. Besides Ravens birthday Thursday isn’t it?”

She nodded her head.

“Go on then before you miss your bus.”

Her entire body screamed for her to stay, she didn’t know if he would be here when she came back next Saturday. It wasn’t guaranteed.

“I love you Dad.”

He gave her a big smile, it reached his eyes and she did her best to memorize it so she could paint it later.

“I love you more.”

She stood up and stretched bending down to press a kiss to his cheek. She walked to the door.

“Clarke?” She turned and looked at him. “I’m really proud to call you my daughter.” She felt her eyes brimming with tears and nodded her head running out of the room before he could see. She ran staright into her mother who when seeing her face pulled her into a hug.

She held her that way for quite some time.

“I will keep you updated I swear. Anything changes I will call you right away. Okay?” She nodded her head and pulled away.

****

This ride back to the city hurt more than the others had. She was  more scared now then ever  that she would never see her dad again. She spent the ride trying to fight the tears that seemed to be in endless supply. She just wanted to go home and lay in bed sleeping the rest of the day away.

When she got off of the bus she searched around, Luna said she would pick her up but she didn’t see her anywhere. She took out her phone to call her but it went straight to voicemail. She felt overwhelmed and the five-minute tear break was apparently over. She stood on the street tears streaming down her face feeling like this was the shitiest day ever.

She saw a car pull up in front of her that looked familiar. The passenger window rolled down and there was Lexa.

“Clarke?”

She couldn’t move, it was like her body was simply too tired physically and emotionally.

Lexa jumped out of the car and ran to stand in front of her just out of reach.

“What happened, are you okay?”

She just shook her head and dropped her bag onto the floor bringing her arms around her body so she was holding herself, because she swore she was falling apart and it felt like a long time coming.

Lexa lunged forward and wrapped her arms around her, she couldn’t move to hold her back because in this moment she felt if she let go of herself she would be lost forever.

Lexa held her for a few moments before picking up her bag and leading her with an arm over her shoulder to the car and opening the door for her she stepped in and sat down, Lexa reached across her strapping her in. She closed the door and she leaned her head against the window closing her eyes.

She heard Lexa get in the car and start the car. The driving was lulling her into a sleep she prayed would come faster.

“I wanted to pick you up so I told Luna not to worry about you.”

With her eyes still closed and half unconscious she nodded her head. A small part of her wondered why but she was sleeping before she could ask.

**Lexas POV**

She parked outside of Clarke and Lunas apartment unsure of what to do. She had wanted to pick up Clarke so they could talk about the letter. Now obviously wasn’t a good time for that, she was worried. She had never seen Clarke like this, she looked so hollow, as if she was just a body and the part of her that made her who she was had disappeared. She wondered if she looked like that sometimes.

The thought brought Costia to her mind and the instant guilt she felt for being with Clarke. She took a deep breath, Costia would want her to be happy. She looked over to Clarke, she would want her to fall in love again. Loving Clarke didn’t mean she never loved Costia or that she still didn’t but it was time and she was trying.

Clarkes phone began vibrating in her bag and Lexa looked at her quickly before reaching for it. Her mom. She didn’t know if she should pick it up, let her mom leave a voicemail, or wake Clarke up.

She picked it up.

“Hello?”

“Clarke?”

“Umm no it’s Lexa actualy. I just picked her up, we are in the car still. She fell asleep. Is everything okay?”

She looked over to see she hadn’t woken Clarke up.

“Yes, we just wanted to make sure she made it safely.”

She nodded her head and then remembered Mrs.Griffin couldn’t see her.

“She is ma’am.” She heard her laugh and mutter ma’am. She heard who she thought was Clarkes dad laugh in the background. Then he was on the phone.

“Lexa?”

“Yes ser?”

“First off it’s Jake. Second I need you to take care of my girl. I… it wont be long now and she can’t do this alone no matter how hard she may try or how strong she is…. She told me you lost your dad.”

She couldn’t say anything for a moment with a flash of her father in her mind, he was her hero.

“I did.”

“Then you know what this feels like for her kind of.”

“Yes. I’m here for her. I know I haven’t been but I am now. I mean…” She looked over at Clarkes sleeping form next to her, she looked as if she was trying to curl into herself in her sleep. She reached over and moved some blonde hair out of her face. “She is my best friend after all.”

**Clarkes POV**

“Come on Griffin, we need to get you upstairs.” She closed her eyes tighter trying to block the voice out. “Come on Clarke, will I have to carry you?”

She opened her eyes slowly so see Lexa watching her closely. She shook her head no and unbuckled her seat belt. Before she could move though Lexa got out of the car and ran over to her side opening the door for her and reaching for her bag. She held out her hand for her to take.

She stared at Lexas hand for a moment and then at her face. Lexa was watching her with such gentleness, she reached forward and grabbed it letting Lexa pull her up and towards the building. She was so tired she almost didn’t realize Lexa didn’t let go until they stood in front her actual apartment door so she could open it. Even then she grabbed it right away again leading Clarke to her room.

“Do you want to shower or just go to bed?”

She shrugged her shoulders. Lexa stared at her a moment and her eyes lit up quickly. She moved closer and sniffed her which took her by surprise causing her to take a step back. Lexa scrunched her face up but couldn’t hide the small smirk.

“I’d go with shower if I were you.”

She felt herself letting out a small smile before shoving Lexas shoulder lightly. She walked to her drawer grabbing some clothes before walking towards the shower. She turned to see Lexa walking to her dresser and picking up one of the bracelets and examining it.

“Thank you Lexa.”

Lexa looked at her with a smile. She walked to her bed and sat down fumbling to put the bracelet on. She couldn’t move for a moment just watching what Lexa was doing.

“You don’t have to-“

Lexa huffed and rolled her eyes. “Go shower, I will be here when you get out.”

She nodded and took a few steps. “Really?”

Lexa didn’t answer right away so she turned and saw her studying her. She felt extremely exposed as Lexa tilted her head as if thinking of something. Lexas eyes snapped to hers suddenly.

“I promise.”


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to decide how far I want to go with this story...

**Lexas POV**

She didn’t know what she was doing exactly only that it felt right. Even if she tried she wouldn’t be able to leave Clarke right now. She quickly ran into Lunas room to grab her pajamas and changed sitting on the couch to wait for Clarke to get out.

Luna said she might be spending the night at Atoms tonight. She could sleep in her room or the couch, both seemed too far from Clarke though. Would it be weird to sleep in her bed again considering they had barely had any one on one time in months?

She didn’t know, she didn’t know what she was there to do at all. Her dad… he hadn’t sounded too good on the phone. She felt sad that she had never gotten to meet him in person as she wanted to before. It was probably too late for that now.

She heard the shower stop and waited a few minutes before her worry grew to be too much. She stood up and walked to the bathroom knocking on the door. She heard a sniffle from the other side and turned the knob opening the door.

Clarke sat on the edge of the tub fully dressed. She looked up and saw her tears coming down. Her eyes were so puffy and her pale face so red. She looked at her and walked over grabbing her arms and pulling her out of the bathroom and towards her room.

She brought Clarke to the bed where she crawled under the covers right away and turned away from her. She didn’t know what to do so she stood there frozen next to the bed just watching her as she played with the charms on the bracelet.

She started walking to the door but Clarke turned around to watch her and she stopped mid step. “I know I said I’m strong but I.. Lexa…..”

She nodded her head, “I’m just going to get you some water.” Clarke nodded her head. She walked out and walked over to the kitchen grabbing a glass and filling it. She closed her eyes a took a deep breath in. She wanted to scream, Clarke had more life inside her than everyone she had ever known and it just looked like that life was draining out of her. She was powerless to fix it.

She took a sip of the water herself before walking back to the room where Clarke hadn’t moved at all. She motioned for her to sit up and she did taking the glass and gulping almost the entire thing down. She took it away from her and placed it on the desk sitting in the chair as Clarke laid back down. This was giving her anxiety.

“Lexa?” She looked up from her hands to see Clarke watching her.

“You don’t have to be here if you rather go home.”

She stood up and saw Clarkes face fall. But her face changed to one of confusion as she walked closer to the bed instead of the door. She reached over and grabbed Clarkes laptop sitting down on the bed making sure to leave plenty of space between them. Clarke turned over so she was laying on her stomach able to see what it was that she was doing.

She couldn’t help but smile to herself when she saw Clarke had not seen the show since the last time they had seen it together. Clarke looked over at her and gave her a small smile which she returned. She scooted back away from the computer still sitting up. Clarke laid her head on her own arms and Lexa watched slowly as the episode went on Clarke seemed to struggle to keep her eyes open.

When she turned it off and looked at Clarke she was watching her. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Not leaving me when I needed you.”

“I don’t think I would have been able to even if I tried.”

“I’m sorry Lexa.” Tears began streaming down Clarkes face.

“Hey, Clarke. Come on.” She began wiping the tears falling from Clarkes eyes wondering how the girl still had tears to shed. Clarke shook her head no.

“You are here and you shouldn’t have to be. I’m not your responsibility. I lost you when I chose to sleep with Niylah but you are here taking care of me because of my dad, It isn’t fair to you. I’m sorry.”

Clarke covered her face with her hands and began to shake with the force of her crying. She was frozen for a moment unsure of what to do. She pulled on Clarke until she was basically sitting in her lap and began rubbing circles onto her back.

“Look at me Clarke.” Clarke shook her head. “Please look at me. Clarke.”

Clarke took a deep breath and moved her hands from her face. Lexa held onto her chin to make sure Clarke wouldn’t turn away.

“I wanted to see you today. Okay? I wanted to talk to you to tell you I’m sorry I pulled away for so long. I want to be here for you. I want to be in your life because…. You make mine better. Clarke I’ve never had a friend like you before and Ietting you go would be stupid of me. I’m here to try, don’t apologize for needing a friend. I’m your friend and I’m here so deal with it. And lord help me if you apologize for Niylah one more time I’m going to scream. I forgive you, not because of your dad either okay? You weren’t my girlfriend Clarke, you didn’t cheat on me so stop it.” She took a deep breath realizing that she had in fact begun to raise her voice.

“I want a do over with you. Can we do that? Forget everything else and start over?”

Clarke watched her curiously as if she wasn’t believing her and she didn’t know how to convince her either. She put her hand on Clarkes cheeks and stared into the blue eyes that had become swollen and red.

“Please?”

Clarke nodded her head slowly. Lexa pulled Clarke into her a hug and held her for a moment trying to comfort her to the best of her ability. When she pulled away Clarke shuffled back over to her side of the bed and back under the covers. She could tell how exhausted she was. She sat there silently waiting for Clarke to sleep and when she was sure she was she stood and walked out into the living room leaving Clarkes door open just in case.  She laid herself down on the couch as her eyes began feeling heavy, her emotions of the day had taken a toll on her physically and she couldn’t do it for another moment.

**Clarkes POV**

She had fallen into a deep sleep except everything was dark. There was no dream and she could hear someone calling her name.

“Clarke please stop.”

Her eyes shot open and sat up in her bed looking around at her dark room.

“Stonp.”

She looked towards her door which was open. “Please.”

Lexa. She threw her blankets off of her and ran towards her voice to find her sleeping on the couch tears streaming down her face. She began speaking softly into her ear and rubbing her hand up and down Lexas arms having learned how to wake her from her nightmares.

Her heart clenched when instead of saying Costias name she whimpered hers instead.

“I’m here Lexa, wake up, I’m right here.”

Lexas eyes opened and before she could say anything else Lexa pulled her down and was holding her close and tight.

“You’re okay?” The question confused her, shouldn’t she be asking the one asking that question? She nodded her head yes anyway. Lexa released her and they both sat up.

“I woke you up didn’t I?”

She shrugged her shoulders with a small smile.

“Sorry.”

“No need to be, are you okay? This dream was different?”

Lexa nodded her head and she waited for her to explain it but Lexa said nothing and she didn’t yet feel comfortable enough in their new found again friendship to push her to talk.

“Why are you sleeping on the couch?”

Lexa shrugged her shoulders. “I didn’t know if it would be weird sleeping in your bed but Lunas room… I wanted to be close enough to hear you so I chose here.”

She felt her heart skip a beat but internally yelled at herself to act cool. She stood and reached out her hand. “You and Luna share a bed and you are just friends right?”

“Yes.”

“So I don’t see why it should be different for us.”

Lexa looked at her questioningly.

“I’m not going to try and have sex with you or anything like that. We are starting over right?”

Lexa nodded her head and took her hand. They made their way back to her room. Lexa naturally taking what had been her side of the bed. They left more room between them then they ever have before but it felt good just knowing Lexa was there for her.

It didn’t take long for sleep to come for her once again. But before she was completely asleep she swore she heard Lexa whisper something.

“I won’t leave this time.” It didn’t make sense to her and she wanted to ask what she was talking about but it was too late.

**Lexas POV**

**Thursday**

“Did you talk to Clarke about the letter yet?”

“No.”

Kane watched her waiting for her to go on. She sighed loudly knowing that it bothered him slightly but the uplift of the corned of his lip.

“Her dad, it’s bad. I’m trying to just be her friend right now. It is what she and I both need.”

Kane nodded his head. “How are you feeling about Costia when it comes to Clarke and you?”

She looked towards the window. Since she began seeing Kane the thought of Costia seemed to hurt a little less. She was learning to not let her death be the first thing she thought of when she heard her name. Kane had told her that she should think of things that she loved about her. Right now it was as if she could hear Costias laugh in her mind and it made her smile.

Kane noticed and gave her an approving smile and head nod.

“I’m not sure yet, I know I’m not betraying her. But its still hard. Its like I had this future in my mind of like what it would look like and now I have to rearrange it. I have to accept that..” She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “That I will never marry Costia, or give her children, or grow old with her. But that doesn’t mean I cannot have that with someone else.”

She opened her eyes and looked out the window again. “I’ve always wanted to be a mother. More than even being a lawyer honestly. I still want that.”            

Kane nodded his head. “You can have that still Lexa.”

She nodded her head and looked at him. “I think I’m starting to figure that out now thanks to you.”

Kane shook his head no but didn’t push it.

**Clarkes POV**

She sat on the couch wrapped in her blanket staring at the television but not really watching it. She looked up when the apartment door opened and Luna walked in plopping down on the couch and stealing half of her blanket.

“What are we watching?” She shrugged her shoulders and passed Luna the remote.

Luna took it but watched her instead.

“So what’s happening with you and Lexa?’

She looked up and instinctively felt the guilt she always did when thinking of both Lexa and Luna.

“I think we are trying to work on our friendship.”

Luna nodded her head. “Don’t hurt her again.”

Clarke watched as Luna stared at her in an almost challenging way.

“I would rather hurt myself than hurt her again.” Lunas eyes softened.

She scooted closer to her and pulled her in close.

“Don’t hurt yourself either.”

She nodded her head and Luna let go.

“Look, I care about you Clarke I do. I love you even though we have been through some rocky times with you trying to steel my girlfriend and all.” Clarkes eyes widened and her jaw dropped.

Luna laughed lightly running her hands through her own hair trying to find the words to speak. “ Lexa is my best friend, now I know we were always meant to just be friends and I’m okay with that. She would have never hurt me on purpose or cheat on me even if her heart was with you. She is a loyal person always has been.” Luna shrugged her shoulders.

“I know you are going through a lot with your dad. Lexa knows loss she can help you. I’m glad you guys are speaking again.”

Clarke nodded her head. “I was jealous of you. She always chose you over me and it hurt and it made me resent you, made me feel inadequate. So I pushed her when I shouldn’t have. I messed with her head then because it felt like she was messing with my heart. She wasn’t though she was confused. I will never do that to her again she didn’t deserve it.  I don’t know how she can still want to be my friend or how you can either. I’m sorry.”  


Luna nodded her head. “She loves you. It’s up to you guys to figure out in what way. I guess I just wanted you to know I love you both and am okay with whatever you guys choose to do.”

Clarke nodded her head. “Thank you.”

“All of us are here for you. Me,O,Ray, the whole gang. You were never alone, even without Lexa. “

“I know.”

Luna leaned over and pressed a kiss to her head before walking towards her room.

“Oh and Clarke?” She looked up to see what else Luna had to say. “I will kick your ass if you even look at Atom too long.”

Clarke let out a laugh. She knew Luna was teasing her. “Got it.”

She thought of their group of friends. She was lucky to have each and every one of them. Luna was something extraordinary and she hated that she had been willing to hurt her in such a way before. She had been selfish always putting herself first. A spoiled little princess. She shook her head she was going to be better.       


	26. Chapter 26

**Ravens Birthday (Thursday)**

*Lexas POV*

Roan: I’m freaking out.

She walked out of Kanes office building with a smile on her face, she felt good, really good. Better than she had in a while and she knew why.

Lexa: It will be fine.

Roan: I really like her…..

She was surprised Roan was telling her this. It was obvious but he was never one to be so open about his feelings.

Lexa: I know. Show her that.

Roan: I’m trying.

She closed their conversation and opened one with Clarke. She hadn’t left her until Monday afternoon and only because she had a class she couldn’t miss and she knew Luna was on her way home. She had told Clarke to text or call if she needed her but she hadn’t.

Lexa: How are you getting to the club tonight?

She stared at her phone wishing she would get an answer right away. She sighed and got into her car throwing her phone onto the passenger seat. She hadn’t texted her because she wanted to wait for Clarke to reach out to her, maybe she shouldn’t have waited?

She sat in her car trying to figure out what she wanted to do. It was nearly four in the after noon and everyone was to meet up at the club at eight. She picked up her phone and diaed Lunas number. She picked up on the fourth ring.

“Hey Lex.”

“Hey, are you home?”

“Yeah why?”

“Is Clarke there?”

“Showering.”

“Okay, I’m grabbing Chinese want anything?”

“No thanks, heading out soon, dinner with Atom before we meet up with Raven.”

“Okay see you tonight. Love you.”

“Love you too Lexa.”

She hung up her phone and turned the car on heading to Luna and Clarkes apartment. Heart over head, that’s what she was working on and she was following her heart right now. But it seemed lately her heart and head were usually telling her the same thing. Her heart wanted Clarke, her mind was finally telling her that maybe it was okay, maybe loving Clarke didn’t mean saying she no longer loved Costia.

She grabbed the food and was soon standing in front of the door, Luna was probably gone. She didn’t know if she should use her key or knock. Screw it the food was getting cold. She opened the door and walked in placing the food on the kitchen table.

She walked over to Clarkes room and knocked on the door, there was no answer. She took a step away from the door but changed her mind and lightly turned the knob and opened the door.

Clarke was laying I bed asleep under the covers. She could see a towel peek up from under the covers too. So Clarke was in bed naked. She gulped and looked away for a moment. She shook her head and walked over to the bed.

She bent down and began stroking Clarkes hair.

“Clarke?” Clarke didn’t open her eyes but there was a mumbled no and she turned onto her stomach the shifting causing the covers and towel to go down.  Almost her entire back was exposed.

She took a step back from the bed then. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath in. She opened one eye and peeked. She couldn’t help it. Clarke began moving again and she covered her eyes with her hands.

“Clarke. I brought food and I’m going to go eat it all if you don’t get up get dressed and come out.”

“Mmmm food.”

With her eyes still covered she smiled and turned around walking out of the room closing the door behind herself. This girl was going to be the death of her.

**Clarkes POV**

She turned to look at Lexa who was walking out of her room covering her eyes. That wasn’t werird? She looked at herself and realized she was naked under the covers her entired back exposed and now that she had turned over her breasts. She face palmed and felt her face heat up.

She sat up clutched the sheet and towel to her body fully waking up. Lexa was here for her? They had not spoken since Lexa had left, she didn’t want to be a bother and hadn’t tried to contact her.

“Clarke!”

She got up grabbing the clothes she had taken out earlier, running shirts and a tanktop. She threw them on and grabbed her brush wishing she would have combed her hair out when it was still wet.

She opened her door to find Lexa sitting on the couch eating the food surfing through the channels. She could have sworn she saw Lexa look her up and down before shaking her head and taking an obnoxiously big bite of rice.

She walked over to the table and served herself, she was starving. She plopped down on the couch content with Lexa choosing whatever. Turned out to be big bang theory.

They sat there eating in silence until the episode was over. She turned to watch Lexa who was just moving what remained of her food on her plate around.

“So what brought you here?”

Lexa didn’t look up, but shrugged. “I texted you, decided to stop by. I wanted to see you.” Lexa looked at her quickly and then down at her plate once again shrugging. ‘I missed you. You never texted.”

She watched Lexa curiously not used to seeing this side of her.

“I didn’t want to bother you more than I already had.”

Lexa looked up at her and put her plate on the coffee table. Reached over took hers and did the same. Grabbing her hand and squeezing it, “Clarke you didn’t bother me. I want to be here for you. I told you I asked Luna to let me pick you up instead.”

She knew this was true but she never figured out why.

“Why?”

“We don’t have to talk about that just know I want you in my life and  Ishouldn’t have pushed you away for so long it wasn’t fair.”

Lexa took a deep breath. “ I was scared, because I care about you so much it felt overwhelming  it scared me.” Lexa turned so she was fully facing her. Her heart was beating so fast she felt dizzy. “I’ve been seeing a therapist.”

Her eyes widened. A therapist?

“Why?”

Lexa gave her a small smile. “I need to deal with Costias death, like actually deal with it because honestly the idea of letting her go, that’s why I ran from you. I was and am still scared of letting her go. But the thought of being with you mad me want to try. It felt like I was betraying her even though I know I’m not. That’s why I tell you not to think you ruined us because I think I did, I was too scared before.”

She stood quiet for a while trying to take everything in that Lexa was saying.

“And now?”

Lexa smiled. “I’m working on it. I can’t promise you that I will be ready tomorrow or next week or next month but I’m trying Clarke.”

Lexa reached over and brushed a piece of hair out of her face.

She smiled brightly for the first time in what felt like months. She wasn’t crazy Lexa did want her and maybe it would take some time, but sitting here with Lexa now talking about it eating and just being together was enough for now.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” She nodded her head. She leaned forward and pulled Lexa in for a hug. Lexa nuzzled into her relaxing completely. “By the way maybe they were on a break.”

Her eyes widened and her grip slackened for a moment making Lexa giggle.  She actually giggled. Lexa pulled away and pressed a kiss to her forehead before standing and grabbing their plates and walking to the kitchen.

Lexa read the letter.

** Lexas POV**

Clarke was waiting in the living room as she got dressed. She felt completely giddy. She couldn’t remember the last time she felt this way. She had been honest and it felt so freeing, to tell the girl that you still want her. To have her not say its too late. She knew had to do this slowly if it was going to work.

But just the idea made her feel lighter. She wanted to call Kane and tell him what she did, was It too soon? Should she have waited to tell her everything? Was it selfish to tell her when Clarke had enough going on with her dad? She sat on the edge of her bed and her heart began beating faster. She was panicking.

Did she mess up? She took a deep breath trying to calm herself down. There was nothing she could do now. Their friends were waiting for them. She looked at her door, Clarke was waiting for her. Clarke had been waiting for months.

She grabbed her boots and zipped them up. Walkingout her room to find Clarke playing on her phone. Clarke looked up and smiled at her. “You look good.”

She looked away and smiled feeling nervous. “Thanks, come on.”

“Are you sure you want to drive?”

She nodded her head. “I don’t plan on drinking.” Clarke nodded her head.

They walked down to the car and headed out to the club.

They seemed to be the lasts to arrive, their friends had a table already and were chatting excitedly among each other.  She ended up sitting next to Luna and Roan while Clarke was between Bellamy and Jasper.

Raven reached over Roan and poked her.

“Look what Roan got me.”

Lexa leaned in to look at the locket that had a picture of them together along with their official anniversary inscribed on it.

“It’s beautiful.”

Raven nodded excitedly and pressed a kiss to Roans cheek who just smiled and put his arm around her pulling her in closer to him.

She looked around taking everyone in. Monty and Jasper yelling about who knows what. Octavia and Lincoln kissing and giggling at the same time. Roan whispering something to Raven that made her laugh loudly. Clarke.. Clarke watching her with a small smile as Bellamy tried to get her attention. She smiled back and glanced at Bellamy trying to listen to what he was saying.

“You look beautiful Clarke.”

Clarke turned to look at him with a small smile. “Thanks Bell.”

“How have you been?”

“Getting through it you know? I’m heading back home Saturday morning.”

He nodded his head and moved in even closer to Clarke who seemed oblivious to how close he was.

“Yeah I get it. So you will be here tomorrow night?”

Clarke seemed half focused on folding the napkin in front of her now but nodded her head.

“Cool. I was wondering if you wanted to go see a movie or something?”

Her eyes widened. Was Bellamy really asking her out? Everyone in their group knew Clarke was into her so why would he even try? Clarke eyes shot to hers and she looked away quickly trying to act as if she hadn’t been listening in.

Her phone began vibrating in her bag and she grabbed it seeing Anyas name. She stood from the table and walked towards the door, motioning to the bouncer she was only taking a call.

“Hello?”

“Lexaaa I was thinking about something.”

She smiled. Anya was too much.

“Yeah what is that?”

“Lincoln and O are getting married, right?”

She rolled her eyes. “You were at the proposal Anya.”

“Exactly… So can I move in with you?”

“Wait what?” She did not see this coming.

“He has to move in with her, and I’m assuming Roan will be moving in with Raven, which means you will have a free room.”

“You are moving to Ny?”

“Oh, I should have started with that.”

“You think?”

“Fuck off Woods.” She laughed and thought about it for a moment. Anya was turning out to be a really great friend.

“Let me talk to Lincoln and Roan okay?”

She heard a small mhm from the other line.

“I have to go though its Ravens birthday and we are out.”

“Okay tell everyone I said hello.”

“Will do.”

She walked back inside and took her seat. She looked up to see Clarke was gone. “Where did Clarke go?” everyone shrugged.

“She went to get us more drinks I think.”

They all looked towards the bar and Raven muttered, “Mother fucking asshole.”

There was a guy walking towards her with floppy hair.

“What?”

Octavia turned to her. “That’s Finn.”

Finn as in Clarkes asshole of an Ex. She and Bellamy stood up at the same time. She watched him as he studied her before sitting back down with a frown.

She walked quickly over to where Finn just got Clarke attention.

“Hey princess.”

Clarkes eyes widened when she saw who it was talking to her.

“Finn?”

She walked up next to Clarke placing a hand on her shoulder. “You good?”

Clarke nodded and turned back towards the bar, it looked like she was pretending Finn wasn’t there. Lexa stood behind her as if she were her human shield.

“Who are you?”

Lexa turned to see Finn looking her up and down, it made her skin crawl and made her want to pull her dress down more to cover her legs.

“Why do you care?”

“Maybe because you are all up on my girl right now.”

She felt her anger begin to rise. “She is not your girl, go crawl back into whatever sewer you came out of.”

Clarke turned and looked at her shaking her head no. She breathed in deeply and took a step closer to Clarke who wrapped and arm around her waist and pulled her in closer so she could whisper in her ear. “He isn’t worth it.”

“Oh I’m not worth it? So why did you text me asking for sex a few months ago? Get off your high fucking horse Clarke. Oh wait is she your girlfriend? How long you been together, I hope not long because then I guess you aren’t fucking her good if she was reaching out to me.”

Clarkes grip on her loosened before tightening up quickly. Clarke reached out to him for sex? She looked to see Clarkes face had gone pale and she had a look of fear on her face. Finn just laughed and shrugged his shoulders walking off.

Clarkes fingers were digging into her side and it was starting to hurt. She pulled away from her and turned to look at her. Clarke looked as if she were about to cry.

She grabbed her hand and dragged her towards the bathroom pushing everyone else out of the way receiving some curse words in the process.

She closed the door behind them. And turned to Clarke who had her face buried in her hands.

“Hey come on.” She moved Clarkes hands from her face to see a few tears had fallen.

“Oh come on don’t let that loser get to you Clarke.”

Clarke shook her head. “He was telling the truth, I reached out to him Lex. I’m sorry.”

She was sorry? She shook her head. “You don’t have to apologize Clarke. Stop saying sorry for everything you do. Please.”

Clarke looked at her with confused eyes. “You aren’t mad?”

She thought for a moment. She had known Finn was telling the truth but just as she had let go of the hurt from seeing Niylah and Clarke, it was the same kind of thing. Clarke wasn’t her girlfriend, while it did somewhat sting to know she had wanted him for sex it wasn’t her place to be mad about. It would be reopening a wound that she had worked to close to move forward for them to get back to here.

She shook her head no. "Clarke I told you, i was messed up back then too, if we had gotten together it wouldn't have worked out either way because of my stuff with Costia so stop blaming yourself."

Clarke took in a deep breath and studied her for a moment. She gave a soft smile in answer. She grabbed a tissue and wiped at Clarkes face.

“No more tears tonight okay?”

Clarke nodded her head. She took her hand and walked back towards their table each taking their own seats and falling back into the conversation as if nothing had happened.

Lexa turned to Luna who had been quiet all night.

“Everything okay?” Luna shook her head and took a shot wincing.

“Atom is married.”

 

 


	27. Chapter 27

**Clarkes POV**

“What!”

Her head snapped up at hearing Lexa yell. She was watching Luna with a face of shock as Luna glared at her most likely for the outburst.

She watched as Luna leaned in and began whispering to Lexa who seemed to get angrier by the second. She wanted to find out what was going on, she almost stood up when she registered that Bellamy was still talking.

“Clarke? You okay?”

She turned and gave him a friendly smile feeling somewhat guilty at having no idea what he had been talking about.

“Sorry what?”

He looked confused for a moment before giving her a smile. “I was asking if you are okay. You know, seeing Finn?”

When Finn had said that she reached out to him she had frozen, she was terrified. She had Lexa in her arms again and she clung to her harder afraid she would pull away and leave her again. She hadn’t, but she was also worried if that would be her reaction now, fear of losing Lexa at every turn it made her feel weak.

She began chewing on her bottom lip. Bellamy reached towards her as if to caress her face and she pulled back which left his had hovering. He dropped it quickly with a look of hurt.

She gave him a small smile. “I’m okay Lexa helped.”

“I was going to go help.”

She reached out and placed her hand on his, “I appreciate that Bell but we had it handled.”

Bellamy nodded his head and took a big gulp of his drink.

She turned her attention back to everything that was happening aroud her.

Luna was about to take another shot when Lexa grabbed it away from her. Luna glared and stood from the table walking towards the bar.

She watched as Lexa rubbed her forehead in frustration before standing up to follow her.

“Looks like a lovers quarrel.”

She snapped her head to look at Bellamy whose eyes seemed unable to focus for long.

“You know they aren’t together anymore, why would you say that?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I mean look at them if two people were ever made for eachother its them.”

“Bellamy shut the hell up.”

She turned to see Jasper glaring at him feeling grateful for his interruption.

“What? I’m just saying.”

Jasper shook his head taking a sip of his beer. “No you aren’t.”

Bellamy huffed and stood up heading towards the bathroom with a stumble in his step.

Octavia took the moment to steal his seat. She sat down a smiled brightly at Clarke pulling her in for a hug.

“Ignore him, he can’t seem to handle his liquor tonight. Clarke nodded her head and reached for Octavias hand looking at her ring.

“It really is perfect.”

Octavia nodded her head and glanced at Lincoln. “It is, and so is he.”

Clarke wondered what that kind of contentment felt like, knowing the person you loved most in the world loved you just as much and that you were going to spend the rest of your lives together.

She looked away from Octavia towards the bar where Lexa was holding Luna by her shoulders talking intensely.

Octavia tapped her hand.

“You will get that you know?”

She nodded her head.

“With or without her Clarke.”

She turned and looked at Octavis face for a moment.

“Do you think Lincoln is your soulmate?”

Octavia nodded her head quickly.

“I think she is mine, but she is hurt, she lost someone she thought was her soulmate, I won’t let her be alone because of that, I can show her a new love if she lets me. Octavia she is letting me.”

Octavia just watched Lexa as she seemed to get more and more frustrated.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

“If I do I will get through it and at least I know I tried.”

**Lexas POV**

“What!”

Luna glared at her, well she glared to the best of her ability. How much had she already drunken?

She leaned in and began speaking.

“When we went out for dinner he seemed nervous and I could not figure out why. I kept trying to talk to him to tell me what was up. He said he had to end things with us even though he didn’t want to. When I asked why. The mother fucker said his wife was pregnant.”

She tried to pull away and say something as her anger grew. But Luna pulled her closer to continue talking. “Turns out he is married, him and his wife were separated for the past couple months but then she told him a few days ago she was pregnant and now they want to try and save their marriage.”

Luna let her pull away then. And when she looked into her eyes all she was sadness.Something she never wanted to see on her face again.

“He is a fucking asshole and you deserve better. I will kick his ass.”

Luna shook her head and looked down at the other drink in front of her.

This wasn’t going to end well if she kept drinking and Lexa knew this. As Luna reached for the drink she did too grabbing it before she could.

Luna took a moment to glare at her before shakily standing up. She began stumbling her way towards the bar.

She closed her eyes and rubbed them tiredly. This was going to be a long night, men were terrible. Finn and Atom were prime examples. Thank god she was a lesbian.

She stood up to go follow Luna and hopefully get her a glass of water before anything else.

She got the bar as soon as the bartender was about to hand Luna another drink. She took it instead and handed it a lady waiting next to Luna.

Luna glared at her before laughing loudly. The shift in mood startled her and she didn’t know what to do.

“What’s so funny?”

Luna just keeps laughing, until tears are starting to form in the corner of her eyes. She steps forward and puts her hands on Lunas shoulders.

Luna has stopped crying and just allows the tears to fall. Lexa pulls her in holding her tight. Luna sniffles and takes a moment to hug her back.

In a whisper so quiet she almost doesn’t hear it Luna says, “No one ever picks me first.”

She felt the words as if they were a blow to her chest and if Luna wasn’t holding onto her she was sure she would have stumbled back. She doesn’t know what to say. Doesn’t know what to do because Luna deserves so much more than what she has been given.

“I’m sorry.”

Luna shakes her head and takes a deep breath. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

Lexa tightens her grip and shakes her head. “You deserve so much more than I or Atom could give you. So much more Luna.”

Luna pulls away and wipes her face. “Shut up this isn’t about you.”

She looks at her confused for a moment.

“I’m tired, and drunk.”

“Want to go home?”

Luna looks over at the table. “Raven will understand.”

They make their way over to the table and grab their things. Clarke is watching her closely trying to figure out what she is doing. She puts her coat on and walks over to her on the other side of the table.

“Where are you going?”

“Taking Luna home, she isn’t doing too good right now.”

Clarkes face falls for a moment. “Come with me.”

She watches her for a moment before her eyes flick over to where Luna is half standing half leaning on her chair.  Lexa watches the emotions cross her face.

“Hey.” She reaches out and tucks a piece of Clarkes hair behind her ear with a small smile on her lips.

Clarke looks into her eyes then and they just stare almost as if they are reading each other. Clarke smiles and leans forward rethinking and pulling back. So instead she leans forward and presses a kiss so close to Clarkes lips that she felt their warmth on the edge of her own.

Clarke smiles then and shakes her head. “Go ahead I will take a cab home.”

“Are you sure?”

Clarke nods her head

Lexa stand and turns to walk away looking over her shoulder. “Text me if anything.”

Clarke nods her head slowly. Then turning to Octavia who is handing her another drink.

**Clarkes POV**

She takes the drink and watches as Lexa helps Luna walk away.

Octavia nudges her and she turned to look at her.

“You good?”

She nods her head and smiles, and its genuine, she knows where her and Lexa stand. She loves Lexa and Luna and she can’t worry every time they are alone. They are best friends and she cannot try and stop that nor does she want to.

“Watch out O.”

They both looked up to see Bellamy waiting for her to move. Octavia rolled her eyes and got up moving back to her own seat. Bellamy turned to her she glared at him for a moment before turning away from him and listening in on Jasper and Montys conversation.

“Why can’t I ever drive it?”

“Jasper its my bike, obviously I’m the driver.”

She smiled as Jasper drunkenly pouted at Monty. Monty who she realized was sober.

“But people think I’m your boyfriend when I get off the bike. How am I ever going to get a girl?”

Monty rolled his eyes. “Maybe get your own bike.”

She put her hand on his shoulder. “That sounds about right Jas.”

“Not helping Clarke.”

As the night went on she got to enjoy a night out with her friends, she hadn’t realized how much she had missed them. Slowly everyone began trickling out until it was only her, Bellamy, Jasper, and Monty.

“You good to ride Jas?”

Jasper chugged the rest of his glass of water. Stood and walked a straight line tapping his nose switching hands each time.

“I got this.” She burst out laughing earning a bow from him. It still amazed how fast he could get sober when he needed to.

“Alright lets go.”

They hugged their goodbyes and she turned to look at Bellamy who had been uncharacteristically quiet. He looked at her through his eye lashes looking like a sad puppy.

She sighed and lightly punched him on his arm. “You okay?”

He nodded his head and took the last gulp of his beer. “Ready to head out?”

She nodded her head and stood. When Bellamy went to stand up he didn’t make it and fell right back into his chair. He was beyond drunk.

“Passed your limit huh?”

He shook his and tried to say no but it was too slurred to be the actual word.

“Damn it Bell.” She watched him look at least a little embarrassed. What was she supposed to do with him and how had he become her responsibility?

She went and grabbed him a bottle of water from the bar. “Come on start drinking this, I don’t want you puking in the cab.”

“Cab?”

“We are heading back to my place you will be enjoying the couch tonight. I swear if you puke on my carpet I will kill you and Luna will help. Got it?”

He nodded his head. She motioned for him to stand and he did stumbling again. She sighed and reached over taking his arm and putting it over her shoulder taking on some of his weight.

“I hate you Blake.”

“Love you too Princess.”

**Lexas pov**

She had gotten Luna into bed and was exhausted herself. She just wanted to go home and crawl into bed.

Yet she wanted to be with Clarke just as much. She sighed and went back into Lunas room trying to be as quiet as possible grabbing her pajamas. She grabbed a towel and headed for the shower trying to stay busy until Clarke got home. Was it weird that she was just assuming she could spend the night? What if Clarke wanted to be alone? She could always go to Luna instead right? She was starting to question herself. She shook her head, Clarke loved her, she was sure of it so this doubt, she felt it for no reason.

She toweled off and got dressed heading for the couch in the livingroom. Maybe it would be better for them if she waited out here instead of assuming by just being in her bed when she got home. She turned on the tv and settled into the couch pulling the throw blanket over herself as another episode of Are You The One came on. She swore this group would never win. She felt her eyes get heavier as the episode went on until sleep completely took over.

That was until the door got slammed open.

Her eyes shot open as her heart beat skyrocketed in fear.

“I just don’t understand Clarke.”

Bellamy?

“Its called putting one step in front of the other dummy.”

“No. Why her? What makes Alexandria Woods so damn special?”

She felt her anger begin to rise but she didn’t move, she wasn’t supposed to be hearing this. Which made her want to hear more of course.

“Don’t”

“I mean I know you are bisexual, but its just she’s Lunas girl you know?”

“No she isn’t”

“They may have broken up but shes Lunas. Why go after someone you can’t have when so many other people are willing to give you everything?”

“Other people?”

She heard Bellamy sigh and then silence for a moment.

“Me Clarke, me. I would give you everything.”

She shut her eyes as tight as she possibly could. She didn’t want to hear this.

“Bell, look I’m sorry if I have ever lead you on, I didn’t mean to  honestly. Me and you it isn’t going to happen.” The sound of the water in the kitchen being turned on filled the silence.

“Because of her?”

“Stop talking about her, with or without her me and you will never be a thing.”

“That’s bull and you know it.”

“It isn’t.”

Next thing she knew was she heard glass shattering and she jumped up from her position on the couch to see Bellamy sitting at the table staring at the glass of water he dropped.

Clarke jumped and yelled when she saw her.

“Lexa you gave me a damn heart attack!”

Bellamys face was completely red staring at her in shock.

She looked between them both for a second until Clarke made her way towards her. “What are you doing here?”

She glanced at Bellamy who was hiding his face in his hands now before focusing on Clarke. “I wanted to stay here… with you. If that’s okay?”

Clarkes face lit up into a smile as she nodded her head.

“Go to bed, let me get this one set up on the couch okay?”

Lexa looked over and glared at Bellamy for a moment who looked away from her and stared at the wall.

Clarke tugged at her hand calling her attention. “I got this.”

She nodded her head and began walking towards the room.

“Lexa?”

She turned to see Bellamy watching her.

“What?”

“Sorry.”

She shook her head at him and rolled her eyes.

“Go to sleep Blake. Don’t puke on the rug or Luna is going to flip.”

He nodded his head and she walked into the room closing the door behind herself sighing. She got into the bed and less than five minutes later Clarke walked in grabbing some clothes before heading back out to shower most likely.

She felt herself beginning to drift off once more, being awoken by movement on the bed.

She rolled over as Clarke began trying to get comfortable without bothering her.

“Hey.”

“Sorry was trying not to wake you.”

“Its okay.”

They laid facing eachother for a moment not saying anything.

“Lunas okay?”

She looked away then repeating what Luna had said to her earlier in her mind, blaming herself.

“She will be. How are you?”

“I’m with you. How do you think?”

She rolled her eyes with a smirk on her face and moved closer to Clarke who was now laying on her back. She leaned her forehead onto Clarkes shoulder.

“Me too.”

Clarke began running her fingers through her hair as sleep began taking hold of her once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is coming to an end not too soon though maybe make it to chapter 35? I really have enjoyed all of your comments they are what keep me going and I just love hearing what you guys think. What frustrates you and what you love so please keep them coming <3
> 
>  
> 
> BTW ..I might write another fic after this except.... it might be Commander Mechanic. I dont know if any of you will be into it but it has been on my mind lately.


	28. Chapter 28

**Clarkes POV**

The phone wouldn’t stop ringing and it was driving her crazy. She rolled over burying her face into Lexas back, wrapping an arm around her praying she could go back to sleep.

“Clarke your phone.”

“No, too early.”

Lexa sighed and turned over reaching across her to grab the phone that was way too bright.

Lexa looked at it for a moment before shooting up to a sitting position and turning to look at her with wide eyes.

“It’s your mom.”

As soon as the words were out of Lexas mouth the phone stopped ringing. She slowly moved into a sitting position just staring at the phone in Lexas hand until the screen turned back off.

Lexa reached over and turned a lamp on by the bed, her eyes will still glued to the phone, her heart was pounding, she could feel it in her head. This was it, her dad was going to die.

Lexa was watching her closely she could feel it on her body as if she were touching her. When Lexa reached out to her she couldn’t help but flinch away. Her eyes drifted to Lexas face to see the pain it caused in her eyes. This was too much she felt herself closing down, like her mind and body were shutting down to protect her from this to protect it from the pain that was about to come.

“You have to call back.”

She knew she was staring probably looked impassive, no emotion, as if she were the one who was dying but she felt the numbness taking over. She wanted to fight it, she had to do this. Had to live it, to feel it. She was staring at the phone again.

“Clarke.”

Lexas voice sounded far off, she wished she could focus on it, it sounded like home, like maybe if she followed it everything would be okay.

“Please Clarke.”

Her eyes focused on her face and she realized Lexa had dropped the phone and was holding onto her face to try and make her look at her.

“Don’t disappear. Please don’t leave me.”

Lexas voice cracked and it looked as if she were going to cry, her eyes were red. Had she already cried? She looked over to the window and saw the sun was higher in the sky then it had been only a moment ago.

She blinked quickly for a few moments before placing her own hand on Lexas and nodding her head.

“Okay.”

Lexa nodded her head and pulled her closer so that she was wrapped in her arms. Lexa held onto her as if she would never let go. Neither said anything for a few moments until Lexa took a deep breath and pulled away so they could look at each other without letting go.  “Do you want me to call her back?”

“Yes.”

**Lexas POV**

“Clarke.”

She wasn’t moving, was barely blinking. If it weren’t for the random rise and fall of her chest that came sporadically she would have been freaking out even more. Even so it looked as if Clarke wasn’t consciously breathing, like she only took a breath when  her body had gone as long as it could without it.

Clarke was staring at the phone. She threw it to the side but still there was no response from her and Clarke stared where she had held it before as if she hadn’t realized it was gone.

“Clarke?”

She felt a panic rising inside of her. She had never seen her like this, it was as if she wasn’t there, as if her body was just a shell and everything that made her Clarke was gone.

She went to touch her and pulled back remembering how she had flinched away only a few minutes ago. She had never been so close to someone physically and felt so alone at the same time.

She didn’t know how to reach her. She was afraid to leave her and go get Luna, if she was disappearing before her very eyes what would happen if she walked away?

She felt tears begin streaming down her face as the feeling if powerlessness overtook her. Was she destined to lose Clarke too?

Lexa reached forward grasping Clarkes face in her hands and still though it looked as if Clarke was looking right through her as if all of the life had been pulled out of her, there was no shine to the eyes she felt were her home.

She couldn’t lose her, not like this, she wouldn’t survive it, not again.

“Please Clarke.”

Clarke blinked and for a moment there was flash of recognition in her eyes and it brought her hope so she held on.

“Don’t disappear. Please don’t leave me.”

She could barely get the words out but she could see in Clarkes eyes that she was listening. Clarke looked her face over for a moment in confusion before glancing away.

She blinked a few times as if she were trying to clear something away. When Clarkes hands moved up to cover her own she took a shuddering breath.

“Okay.”

Is it bad that in the moments where she felt as if Clarke was lost she had felt as if she would never hear her voice again. The fear of losing her was overwhelming she needed to be sure she was here so she reached forward and pulled them together when Clarke held her back she repeated in her head over and over again that she was okay. Clarke was okay and in her arms and she would do anything to make sure she stood that way.

She took a deep breathe trying to find the strength she may need to get them both through this and pulled away enough so she could see into Clarkes eyes. She did it mostly to make sure she was still there.

“Do you want me to call her back?”

“Yes.”

**Four Hours Later**

The car ride was quiet Clarke didn’t want to listen to any music and spent the majority of the time staring out of the window.

The weather at least matched what she seemed to be feeling. The rain helping to fog the windows which Clarke kept drawing random designs on which was the only thing keeping Lexa from feeling overwhelmed with the feeling that the closer they got to her dad the more lost Clarke was getting.

When they parked in the hospital parking lot and the car was off neither of them moved.

Here she was back again in another foreign place in another hospital it had been months since she had left to be with Luna and her family but here she was months later in another hospital in another place she didn’t know with a different girl, a different family.

She watched as Clare nervously played with her seatbelt and knew in her heart there was no other place she would rather be than right here next to the girl she was in love with.

“You know he isn’t even a drinker.”

“What?”

Clarke looked at her for a moment before continuing to speak.

“He doesn’t really drink, only at special occasions. I’ve never even seen him tipsy and yet he is dying of liver failure.”

“How?”

“He was diagnosed with Lupus a few years back, it was under control for a long time. But then the medication just wasn’t working and they couldn’t figure out a new balance in time, his liver began scarring. They kept it from me for so long Lex.”

She nodded her head knowing nothing she could say would help. Yet she still had more questions.

“What about a transplant?”

Clarke shook her head. “My mother and I aren’t a match. He is on the list but there are so many people on that list and so few donors let alone matches. Add in the fact that he is an older man his name just isn’t so high on the list.”

She nodded her head again with nothing left to ask, waiting until Clarke was ready to go.

**Clarkes POV**

When would she be ready to open the door and face this. Face that this was it, that it was time to say goodbye. She undid her seat belt and Lexa did the same taking every cue from her. When she opened the car door and turned so her legs were hanging out of the car Lexa stepped out of her side and was now standing in front of her.

She stuck out her hand to help her out of the car and she took it needing that little bit of strength. Neither of them let go on their walk in but neither said a word either. They found out the room and she realized the closer they got the slower the both of them moved.

Once they stood in front of the door she felt Lexas eyes on her waiting to see what she would do. She turned to her and pulled her close and into her arms breathing her in not wanting to let go and face what was waiting for them.

She didn’t have a choice because before they could pull apart the door was being pulled open and her mother was standing in front of her. She dropped her arms from around Lexa taking her mother in for a moment before throwing herself into the arms that have held her her entire life.

“Mom?”

“Shhhh baby.”

They stood that way for a long time. Her mind traveling to all the hugs her mom gave her when she was little and how she was sure back when skinned knees were the worst she pain she had felt that her mom could fix any and everything. Except that wasn’t true, she learned that when Wells died.

She took a deep breath in and pulled back wiping her hands up and down her face.

“How is he?”

“Resting for now, he’s on meds to help with the pain, but this might be it Clarke. It could be few hours or a few days.”

She took a step back instinctively trying to get closer to Lexa who seemed to sense what she needed and was now holding one of her hands soothingly rubbing her thumb up and down. She saw her mother eyes flick over to their hands before giving Lexa a sad smile.

“It’s nice to meet you Lexa.” Abby lifted her hand for a hand shake but when Lexa tried to let go of her hand her grip tightened, Abby noticed and shrugged her shoulders at Lexa who tightened her own grip on Clarkes hand reassuringly.

Abby let her hand fall back down. “It is is nice to meet you too Mrs Griffin.”

“Abby please.” Lexa nodded her head.

“Abby.”

It was now or never. She took a deep breath in and walked into the room. Her dad looked smaller and sicker than he had days ago which she swore was impossible before. She looked over at Lexa and released her hand with a nod.

She sat in the chair  and took her fathers hand into her own trying to silence the gasp when she felt how cold he was.

He opened his eyes at the movement and gave her a weak smile.

“Princess?”

“Hey daddy.”

“I’m tired baby.”

Her heart skipped a beat at those words.

“I know dad.”

“I’m just going to close my eyes for a bit okay?”

She nodded her head and he did the same. “I love you dad.”

He was already sleeping and she hoped he heard her just in case he never woke up again.

They stood in silence all four of them for a couple of minutes. Lexa went to get everyone coffee at one point and it took every ounce of her strength not to have a panic attack while she was gone.

She stepped out into the hall trying to keep her breathing steady while she waited for her to come back she walked to the end of the hall. Lexa noticed her and half ran to her side.

“What happened?”

She stepped forward and clutched the front of Lexas Tshirt. “Don’t leave me right now. Please.”

Lexa studied her face for a moment before nodding her head, “Okay.”

They both turned to walk back to the room when an entire group of doctors began rushing towards her dads room. She full out ran then but they were already moving him out.

Her mother was leaning on the door sobbing. She had only walked away for a few minutes, this couldn’t be real.

As fast as the doctors had come was as fast as they were gone. That is when she heard the buzzing coming from a beeper on the table. Who the hell has beepers anymore?

She couldn’t think at the moment, her mind was too confused, was her dad dead? Where did they take him?  
Lexa was the one to speak first.

“What happened?”  
Abby looked at both girls as the tears continued to fall.

“They found a donor.”

She dropped the beeper as soon as the words registered in her head.

                                                                                                                                                                      

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was honestly a last minute decision to let Jake live but it feels right.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First Year of Grad school done! Little baby chapter to try and get back into the story. Sorry for taking so long but life got in the way.

*Lexas POv*

A week, a full week had gone by. She opened her eyes taking in the blue walls around herself feeling an arm tighten around her waist. She reached down grabbing the hand that held her close intertwining their fingers before bringing the hand to her lips and pressing a kiss to it.

“Sleep.”

“No.”

She chuckled at the whining oh her name.

“Lexaaaaa.”

“Don’t you want to go pick your dad up, he can finally come home to his own bed.”

Clarke pulled her hand away and separated their bodies before tapping her on the shoulder. She rolled over so that they were now facing each other. Clarke trying to rub the sleep from her eyes, crazy blonde hair sticking up in different directions. She couldn’t help the smile from coming to her face. How could someone be such a beautiful mess?

“Morning.”

“Good morning Clarke.” She reached out and tucked some strands of hair behind her ear. Clarke reached to touch her own hair and grimaced making her laugh lightly more like releasing a breath of air.

“I’m a mess like this every morning. How have I not scared you?”

“You are beautiful.”

“Are you flirting with me Ms. Woods?”

She sat up and twisted her hair into a bun on top of her head. Looking back at Clarke.

“Maybe.”

She tried not to smile at the blush that covered Clarkes cheeks as she looked anywhere but at her.

“Mind if I shower first?”

Clarke simply shook her head.

She stood up and began going through her bag feeling Clarkes eyes on her the entire time, yet the moment she turned to look at her Clarke shot her head to the side as if she were simply staring out of the window the entire time. She rolled her eyes at that and walked out of the room closing the door behind herself.

**Clarkes POV**

Lexa was flirting with her. That hand kiss wasn’t just a friend thing, and sure they cuddled but they pretty much had always cuddled, was it different now? Did Lexa think of it differently now? She said she was trying right?

She sighed loudly and stared out of the window. She felt sleep trying to pull her back in but Lexa was right. Today her dad was coming home, everything had gone well and it seemed as if he was going to make almost a full recovery. She couldn’t have hoped for such a thing two weeks ago.

It scared her, when was the other shoe going to drop? Because in this moment everything just seemed to be a little too perfect. For months she had thought she was losing two people who meant the world to her and today, she was welcoming one home while the other would be there right next to her.

This time with Lexa, things had begun to feel like they were going back to normal, a new normal, a better one. Now she didn’t have to have Luna in the back of her mind with every move that she made. She had begun to stop questioning every smile or touch she initiated, she was no longer afraid that Lexa would suddenly recoil in disgust. Because Lexa was trying to move forward, she just needed time, she didn’t want to push her, she couldn’t imagine what it felt like to lose someone who you thought was the love of your life and give someone else the chance to fill that void.

She shook her head, no she didn’t want replace Costia, she just hoped Lexa had enough room for both of them because from the moment the green eyed beauty walked into her life, being without her had seemed like an impossibility, she knew if she had to be without her she could do it, she also knew she would be so much happier with her, their messed up past and everything. Alexandria Woods was the love of her life, of that one thing she was sure.

She didn’t remember falling asleep but one moment she was looking out the window and the next Lexa was tracing her jaw line with a finger. She opened her eyes and Lexa began to pull her arm back when she grabbed her hand and without thinking she brought the finger that had been tracing her face to her mouth and kissed her fingertip never losing eye contact with her.

She let go of Lexas hand noting the gulp of air that Lexa took in before standing back up.

“Shower is free.”

She nodded her head and stood up, grabbing her own clothes and headed to the shower.

The drive to the hospital was filled with music from the radio, Lexa would randomly mumble along, almost as if she wanted to sing but didn’t dare, it was cute.

 

Her mother had refused to go home for more than a few hours at a time yet ofcourse both her parents said she should go home and get rest. They were so annoying, but at least they were her annoying parents.

When they got out of the car and began walking next to each other Lexa reached out and grabbed her hand taking her by surprise. She turned to see Lexas face but Lexa was simply focused on where she was going as if she they weren’t holding hands. She thought about it and rolled her eyes at herself, her heart was erratic in this moment because Lexa was holding her hand. Was she twelve years old?

“Hey Princess.”

She smiled and Lexa let her hand go so that she could go to her father who was sitting up in bed in his regular clothing, looking so much better.

She climbed on the bed ignoring her mothers protests and cuddled into her dad.

“Lexa, come in get out of the doorway.”

She watched as Lexa smiled shyly.

“How are you feeling Mr… Jake?”

Her dad laughed and shook his head.

“Sorry.”

“You know I feel like you usually aren’t so shy as you are around Abby and I.”

She rolled her eyes, “Dad, leave her alone.”

“You know I have to give her the parent talk Clarke. I mean she can’t just date you and not get the talk.”

She shot up so fast she didn’t miss the wince her dad made and the glare from her mother. “Oh my god dad, we don’t, we aren’t, I  mean?” She looked over to Lexa for help whose eyes had widened and was looking back and forth between her and her father.

In the next moment Lexa seemed totally calm as if she had flipped a switch. The change was so abrupt she felt as if she had imagined Lexas face of panic from a moment ago. She stepped into the room and walked towards Clarke taking her hand once more. Giving her a small smile.

“We can’t deny your father the talk Clarke.”

She knew she looked confused because that’s exactly how she felt.

“Lex, can we talk for a minute? Alone.”

Instead of saying anything Lexa turned around and walked out of the room and began walking down the hallway.

“Did I say something I shouldn’t have?”

She turned and smiled at her dad pressing a kiss to his cheek, “No its fine.”

**Lexas POV**

 

She walked out of the room and took a deep breathe in. Was that the wrong thing to do? She had just told Clarke not long ago that she wasn’t sure  when she would be ready to really be with her. But being with Clarke made her want to jump head first and deal with the consequences later. Its not like she was seeing anyone else and neither was Clarke. The time she spent with her was always amazing and the thought of going home and not having her around as much saddened her. Would she ever be fully ready, was she ever going to be a hundred percent sure that she could move on from Costia? How long could she ask Clarke to wait when she didn’t want to wait herself?

She turned when she felt a hand hold onto her shoulder, to see Clarke looking at her with questions clearly on her face.

“When we get back home do you want to try this? Us?”

Clarke tilted her head to the side, “I thought you wanted to wait?”

“I’ve been waiting from the moment we met.”

Listening to her own words she resisted flinching, because that wasn’t okay but it was the truth. She felt something for Clarke from the moment they met, even though she had been with Luna they had just clicked, they fit in a way she had never felt, something she couldn’t deny even if it felt like she was downplaying what she and Costia had shared. Costia was gone and Clarke Griffin was standing in front of her willing to love her, to be hers, to have her. Why should she fight that anymore when she wanted to do and be the same for her?

“Lexa I can wait, I don’t want you to feel rushed, if we are doing this I want it to be done the right way for the right reasons.”

Her words felt like a rejection.

“That’s a no?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

She lifted her arms and pulled Clarke in for a hug burying her face into her neck, she wanted to kiss her right now but hopefully she would be patient enough to make it to the end of their first date, she had waited this long already.

When they separated Clarke smiled at her brightly, “I guess I should let my dad go on with grilling you then.”

She smiled brightly, “I would like that very much.”


	30. Chapter 30

Lexas POV

She put her bag into the trunk of the car along with Clarkes and closed it turning back to watch as Clarke hugged both of her parents goodbye. She was doing her best to give them some privacy but then her father was standing right in front of her and pulling her into a hug.

She quickly wrapped her arms around him and hugged him back. Clarke was a daddys girl and it showed in every possible way, with all the time she has spent with the two of them she noticed how they talked and even moved in similar ways.

“Thanks for helping Clarke through all of this.”

He let go and pulled away, she offered him a smile in return, “Thanks for you know having her and raising her?”

He laughed loudly and looked over at Clarke who was watching them with a smile. Lexa offered her hand to Clarke who walked over to her quickly after pressing a kiss to her moms cheek.

“Call you when we get there, and remember you promised to come visit soon.”

Lexa couldn’t help but laugh when Clarkes mom replied with, “We promised to see Lexa again not you.”

The small pout on Clarkes lips was the cutest thing she had ever seen she was pretty sure. She pulled Clarke closer and pressed a kiss to her cheek and pulled away. “If I’m feeling nice I will let you see them too.”’

Clarke pushed her off and walked around to the other side of the car getting into the passenger seat.

She waved goodbye and got into the car, pulling away.

“So we are leaving now.” She looked quickly over to Clarke who had a huge grin on her face.

“Yeah?”

“Sooooo not to rush or anything, but can I take you on a date?”

“No.”

She looked at Clarke who was now frowning and took one of her hands off of the wheel and took Clarkes in hers bringing it to her lips and pressing a series of kisses.

“No?”

She nodded her head. “I want to take you out on our first date.”

Clarkes face broke out into a grin and she lightly shoved Lexas shoulder. “You scared me! I thought you changed your mind.”

She didn’t say anything to that for a moment, thinking about all the times in the time shes known Clarke that must have been confusing for her. Lexa was already bad t expressing her emotions and she had been trying (and failing) to hide her feelings for Clarke not just from everyone around her but herself included. How many times had she pulled Clarke closer and then pushed her away just as fast?

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“Everything I have put you through.”

“Lex..”

“No, really I am Clarke, I took you for granted, that you wouldn’t leave me, get tired of my pushing away and give up. You have been here when I needed you and you…. You’ve showed me what this,” She motioned between herself and Clarke while keeping her eyes on the road, “ should feel like again, when you feel something so strong for someone that it takes over everything. I can’t get you out of my head, and trust me I tried but it never worked. I don’t want to try anymore because I think this is how it should be. You are in my head and heart Clarke and I wouldn’t want it any other way and I plan on proving that to you.”

She wanted to see Clarkes face, the silence caused her heart to pick up its pace making her nervous. Did she go too far?

“Clarke?”

“Pull over.”

She glanced over but Clarke was facing away from her.

“Pull over Lexa.”

**Clarkes POV**

“Please.”

Lexa didn’t say another word and pulled over, Clarke waited until the hazard lights were on before she opened the passenger door and walked out to the grassy area and stood staring as the trees on the side of the highway blew in the wind.

Everything Lexa just said to her were the things she didn’t know she had needed to hear because she felt like she had been crazy that entire time. She thought it had all been in her head but it wasn’t. Now this was it, they were doing it, going to take the leap together.

She wiped her eyes as she felt tears stream down her face. She heard footsteps behind her but didn’t turn. But then Lexa was standing in front of her with a worried expression.

“Clarke?”

She looked into the green eyes that were her favorite color in the world, a color she didn’t think she would ever be able be able to recreate. She took a step forward cupping Lexas cheek. Lexa tried to take a step back but she pulled her closer.

“Don’t move.”

Her heart was beating erratically, it was like she was feeling everything all at once and it was too much she needed to do something. Lexa listened and stood as still as possible staring back into her eyes. Her own eyes flickered down to Lexas lips and she didn’t think about it, she moved impossibly closer until they were hip to hip chest to chest foreheads pressed together.

“Is this okay?”

Lexa nodded her head. Clarke closed her eyes and moved so their noses brushed with every breathe they took.

“Clarke.”

Lexa said her name like a prayer like she was begging for something and she knew what it was because she wanted the same thing too.  But before she could close the distance between their lips Lexas hand wrapped around the back of her neck and closed the distance. 

In that moment she swore the world stopped spinning, every sound was gone as if everything else around them had frozen, everything was Lexa, her entire body screamed that name as if it was what she needed to stay alive. She had never felt a kiss so all encompassing. Lexa pulled away for a second a small smile on her lips before she bumped her nose and kissed her again while still smiling, she couldn’t help but return the smile so that they were smiling more than actual kissing.

Lexa pulled back slightly. “I was hoping we would wait until the end of our first date for that but Im pretty sure it couldn’t have been anymore perfect than that.

“Yeah?”

Lexa nodded her head and then lightly kissed her lips again. She couldn’t help but slightly run her tongue along Lexas pouty bottom lip. The hand that was against Lexas lower back felt the shiver that went through her body causing her to smile smugly.

She laughed when Lexa pulled back and glared at her playfully before pulling away completely. “Shut up.”

“I’m going to love making you do that.”

“It was a onetime thing so remember it to the best of your ability.”

“Oh I seriously doubt that.”

Lexa rolled her eyes and turned to walk away but she grabbed her by the arm making her turn back. Lexa held her glare for only a few more seconds before her face softened and she reached up wiping her hands across Clarkes cheeks. She had forgotten she had just been crying.

“Are you okay?”

She nodded her head.

“Are we okay?”

She moved forward pressing a quick kiss to Lexas lips before pulling back for a moment. “I hope we are more than okay.”

Lexa moved her head forward and took Clarkes bottom lip between hers and bit it lightly. Clarke quickly pulled Lexas body into hers but Lexa pulled back shaking her head. “Not so fast Griffin.”

She felt her cheeks turn red in embarrassment. “Sorry.”

Lexa grabbed her hand and pulled her back towards the car. “Come on we have a long drive ahead of us.”

**Lexas POV**

She unlocked her apartment door to see something she wished she could have erased from her mind. Raven and Roan only a total of three items of clothing away from having sex on her couch.

“My eyes, holy shit my eyes they burn. Kill me now!”

“Lex! Shit!”

She closed her eyes and tried to fumble her way towards her bedroom door but bumped into every item imaginable. Had they rearranged the furniture while she was gone or something?

“Lexa.” She winced at the sound of Ravens voice picturing that she was still straddling her brothers body. She physically gagged.

“Oh come on we are decent, uncover your eyes before you break something.

“No.”

“Why?”

“I think they might be bleeding.”

She felt a smack to the back of her head and opened one of her eyes slightly enough to see Raven with her arms crossed over her chest glaring at her.

“How old are you? Fifteen?”

“No when I was fifteen I caught him getting a blowjob by Echo behind the shed. Come to think of it since I survived that I think I will get through this with minimal trauma.”

Raven spun around and glared at Roan. “Echo huh? I want to see what she looks like. Who names their kid echo anyway? Bet she was some slut.”

“Raven.”

“What I’m just saying. You never mentioned her before.”

“Thank you Lexa, such mood ruiner.”

She picked up a water bottle from the kitchen table and threw it to him while he was pulling his shirt over his head. It him directly on top of his head as it popped out. “Well do me a favor and don’t get in the mood on my poor couch.”

Raven spun around and watched her with a smile. “Speaking of in the mood how was your drive back with Clarke huh?”

“What?”

Raven rolled her eyes, “It seems you put a certain blonde in the mood on your way back.”

“Babe please don’t have this conversation with me here, she is my sister.”

Raven flashed a middle finger Roans way. “Shut up Echo. Spill baby Woods.”

She rolled her eyes but couldn’t help the smile that came to her face when she said,   
“We kissed and are sort of dating.”

“Dating as in like taking out on dates or dating like you guys are girlfriends?”

She scrunched her nose up, they hadn’t actually gone over if they were official official or just dating. Crap. She shrugged her shoulders.

“You might want to figure that out. You know communicate with eachother.” She nodded her head and picked up her bag bringing it to her room before walking right back out.

“No funny business, Raven has a bed you know.”

“Where are you going? You just got here.”

She opened the apartment door and looked over her shoulder. “To communicate.” She closed the door behind herself and heard Raven say, “They are so going to have sex.”

“Raven she’s my little sister!”

“So Echo huh, you didn’t mention her in your ex list.”

She heard Roan groan in frustration and laughed to herself before walking away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoy...
> 
> I have officially started my next fic but it wont be posted until its almost complete which will help me stay way more organized. It is commander mechanic endgame but follows Lexa through her life and falling in and out of love with different women until she finally realizes that Raven Reyes is the one for her.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is it guys.... Thank you for everyone who has read this story from the beginning (sorry for taking so long for this final chapter), and to those who joined later on I appreciate the time you have spent giving this story a chance.

*Clarkes POV*

She threw herself on the couch with a grin, watching as Luna glanced at her and shook her head from the kitchen table.

“You are way too happy Griffin.”

She shrugged her shoulders.

Luna watched her for a second. “You and Lexa officially a thing or something.”

She didn’t think it was possible but her smile got even wider.

“Something like that yeah.”

Luna nodded her head and picked up her bowl of food and walked towards her room giving her a small smile before she closed the door.

She was replaying everything that happened over and over again in her head she was completely zoned out until she heard a knock on the door, she turned and stared at it for a moment wondering if Luna was expecting anyone.

When there was a second knock she stood and walked to the door, looking through the peephole and her heart began pounding instantly.

She pulled the door open quickly with a smile on her face, one that matched Lexas.

“Miss me already Lex?”

Lexas cheeks turned a light pink and she shrugged her shoulders. She reached forward and took her hand pulling her into the apartment and straight to her room.

She closed the door behind herself and turned to see Lexa standing very close to her, her breathe got caught in her throat and her eyes went back and forth from Lexas green ones to her lips.

She leaned in and Lexa smiled taking a step back. She felt her heart drop and her smile along with it.

Lexa saw her reaction and pressed a kiss to her forhead instead.

“Can you go on a date with me now?”

“Now?”

Lexa nodded quickly. “I don’t want to wait anymore Clarke….. I want you to be mine.”

She watched as Lexas cheeks turned red.

“Are you asking me to be your girlfriend Alexandria Woods?”

Lexa rolled her eyes and Clarke couldn’t help but laugh.

Lexa covered her hands with her face. ”Clarrrrke don’t laugh, I’ve never done this before.”

Her face scrunched up in confusion. “You haven’t?”

Lexa removed her hands shook her head no. “Costia, it just kind of happened, and well Luna asked me.”

She nodded her head. “Yes.”

Lexa looked at her hopefully. “Yes?”

“Mhm. Can I ask you something?”

Lexa looked at her and nodded.

“Can I kiss my girlfriend now?”

Lexa took a step back, “Nope, date first.”

Clarke let out a frustrated sigh. “Lex we kissed already, why are you being stubborn.”

Lexa grabbed her hand and began dragging her out of the apartmemt. “We are going to do this the right way right now.”

“Right now?” She looked down at her sweat pants and tshirt, “you cant be serious, atleast let me change.”

Lexa turned and looked her up and down, reaching forward and pushing a piece of hair out of her face.

“No, you look beautiful.”

Lexas POV

“Seriously, here?”

“Come on its our place still.”

She held the door for Clarke who was glaring at her with her arms crossed.

“Yeah, but we might see Niylah.”

She nodded her head and reached forward grabbing Clarkes arm and pulling her inside.

“Niylah is apart of our story Clarke.”

They slid into their normal booth but Clarke was biting her lip most likely from nerves.

Lexa got up and Clarke watched her suspiciously before she sat down next to her.

“Remember how I told you the first time we came here Niylah tried to give you her number but I never gave it to you?”

Clarke nodded her head.

“Looking back Clarke that was the day I realized I wanted you for myself. The thought of you and Niylah that day got me so angry and obviously I had no right to be but that is what I felt. This is where it started, this is where I realized I was starting to feel something, I just couldn’t name it at the time. Clarke this is our full circle, so yes it isn’t somewhere fancy and you are basically wearing pajamas but I don’t care, I’m one hundred percent sure that this is my last first date ever and I wanted it to be somewhere that means something.”

Clarkes eyes looked watery and before a tear could fall she was surging forward pressing their lips together. In that moment she didn’t care that the date wasn’t over, she was kissing Clarke Griffin and it felt like coming home and being on a rollercoaster at the same time.

They pulled away but left their foreheads pressed together.

“I love you Alexandria Woods.”

She smiled at the blue eyes in front of her praying that she would see them for the rest of her life and all of the ones to come after it because this was it Clarke was her soulmate, she knew it in every fiber of her being, and for the first time she didn’t feel guilty about it. In this life, the ones before it and the ones after it she knew somehow her and Clarke would always find their ways back to each other because a life without Clarke wasn’t worth surviving let alone living.

“I love you Clarke Griffin.”

**Author's Note:**

> You know I love to hear back from you guys, let me know what you think of this Fic idea.


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